Yes there is something wrong, I have hit the point where I don't care anymore, I am tire dof her crap and her lifestyle and her boyfriend and her ifgnoring the kids and the sound of her voice and the tone of her text and the plain site of her.
I want her out of my head nad my life. I have no use for her whatsoever anymore....Yeah i listen to plenty, just like the song, Sounds of Silence.
It is destroying me that I feel this way, you have no idea what this is doing to me right now, I find myself on the verge of tears with every hour. But the pain is too much for me to not just get away from her and remove her from me. I want God to help her. She is seriously damaged goods right now and I have no need for her in my life now, at this moment. I cannot sit around twiddling my thumbs hoping she "wakes up". Antoher year, two years, five ten years.....And all that time I will sit like i am now paining for her return, afraid to find love somewhere else because maybe she will come out of her fog and what, still walk away from me...I am not a gambler. I lose every time. this is not a game, this is my life we are playing with here. I hate being alone, I hate it with every fiber of my being. God wants me to stay with her, wait and hope and pray that she will "fix" herself and come skipping down the road to me. Again, i need to be a big boy and sit at the big boy table.
Yeah I listen and wait. I ponder and wander. I pray more in the past 6 months than my entire life prior to this. I have stopped asking for her to come back, stopped asking for us to reconcile, stopped asking for her to wake up. these things are not going to happen in my lifetime. I know her and I have posted this before, she will stay in the fires of hell to prove she is "justified" in what she did and everyone else be damned, hell thats what the therapist told her back in September, great advice. And she is living la vida loca....
Yeah Amy, something has snapped in my head, and I mean snapped!!!
I am not right anymore, I need to get her away from me, I need to get her out of my head because it hurts more now than before, the pain curve isn't going down, its going up. Her making me feel like she is "entitled" to any damn thing in my life , texting me with her attitude about what she is entitled to and this and that. I don't need it anymore, she thinks by paying her car loan she is helping me with my bills, I have no friggin life, I have to save for weeks at a time to go ut and enjoy myself. I don't have her luxury of no kidfs, not worrying about meals, food in the house, utilities being shut off, mortgage comapany calls, none of it. Yeah, if I were her I would run back to the stuff she ran from. KLet her keep running. She will crash, of that I have no doubt, none whatsoever. When she hits the wall or rock bottom or whatever analogy you want to use, she will be alone. I know this, OM and the rest of her partying tribe will bounce, she will look in the mirror and see a ruined soul. And somehow, she will blame me for it all. I am not stupid, I am not emotionally challenged, I am me. I believe God is telling me these things, if He isn't then He isn't and the ulitmate cost and penalty is mine and mine alone. I pray, I go to church for me. And I am better for it. She, well she is her own person, let her live with it.
Supplanter, which definition would like me to use. I am supplanting no one. If I am, please tell me who, I'd like to know.
Yeah I seriously have a problem....But The only one who can help me now is me. I am now believing God is guiding me, and some people do not. Because everyone believes that god wouldn't tell me to bounce. then I wonder what He is telling me if that is the only message I get? So I am the one who will suffer in the end. But after 6 months of thumbscrews, water torture, silent treatments, what if 'ng myself into a frenzy, pining and paing for her return, turning my personal life around and dealing with everyone as if she were dead, well I don't know what to say. 31 years pissed out the window, and what do I have in my head and heart right now, How many times has xcheated on me? Great, fabulous thoughts, and its all I have ......
