My situation #8

[whiskey.tango]

I think there's some fear of the unknown mixed in there too. It's funny but if I knew for certain what the future held, it seems the adjustment would be soooo much easier. You got a crystal ball?

You know that's a nice thought, but honestly, it doesn't work. You can prepare yourself as much as you want, but when things actually happen, it will still knock you back a few steps. No matter how ready you are.

I liken it to the families of my patients - who are terminal - they see it coming and are still devestated when the death actually occurs. How can you prepare?

By keeping yourself strong and healthy. Which stress does not promote. And I don't have a magic cure to stop your head - only you can figure that out.

I love my W and want to keep my family together.

I know you do, but right now she's treating you like chit. Keep real about that. Doesn't change your core wishes and feelings, but know that right now, that love is not going to be returned so quit fantasizing - not telling you to give up your dream, just get real to stop the swirling.

WT

[Coach]

Right now having a bit of a hard time. Sometimes I can't get the swirling thoughts out of my head. Mostly sadness when it hits. I love my W and want to keep my family together. I know it's not my choice and I have absolutely no control, but knowing this doesn't make it easier.

I understand that. Right about when I was feeling like that someone would mention - "patience." It's hard to let things happen instead of us trying to force destiny and make it happen, like we really have any control.

I keep having to let go, over and over again. Sometimes it's easier than others.

Instead of letting go just stop pulling. Save some of that energy for positive actions that will bear fruit.

I think there's some fear of the unknown mixed in there too. It's funny but if I knew for certain what the future held, it seems the adjustment would be soooo much easier. You got a crystal ball?

Fear immobilises us, makes us make poor decisions and robs us of giving. Love is the antidote for fear so start by loving yourself. We love you brother, keep plugging.

Cheers
Coach

ps Peace be with you.

[Distressed67]

Steady,

Your feelings and thoughts are perfectly normal. We all want to do the right thing and not make any mistakes but what is the right thing. You said it yourself the other day on the phone that you don't know what the future holds so I need to stop focusing on it and what you thing is a bad thing could be go and vise versa.

You and I both do way too much of that stuff. Even if you has a crystal ball would you really want to look into it? You would see where you were six months from now and if you were happy you would sit around waiting for that to happen. If your sad then you would dread the next six months.

So, and I mean this for you and me, STOP worring about the future, START living your life today and STOP getting all caught up in your/ my W bulls**t. Take care of yourself and let everything else go.

Tim

[steady]

I think there's some fear of the unknown mixed in there too. It's funny but if I knew for certain what the future held, it seems the adjustment would be soooo much easier. You got a crystal ball?

You know that's a nice thought, but honestly, it doesn't work. You can prepare yourself as much as you want, but when things actually happen, it will still knock you back a few steps. No matter how ready you are.

I liken it to the families of my patients - who are terminal - they see it coming and are still devestated when the death actually occurs. How can you prepare?

By keeping yourself strong and healthy. Which stress does not promote. And I don't have a magic cure to stop your head - only you can figure that out.

I love my W and want to keep my family together.

I know you do, but right now she's treating you like chit. Keep real about that. Doesn't change your core wishes and feelings, but know that right now, that love is not going to be returned so quit fantasizing - not telling you to give up your dream, just get real to stop the swirling.

WT

Thanks WT. I know what you mean about the terminally ill. Both my parents died in 98 from cancer and although we knew they were dying the actual death was a shock.

And you're right, it's just fantasizing. All the wishing in the world isn't going to change anything. I go up and I go down. Although she's treating my chit about the whole situation, she's still pleasant to me and we talk and even laugh. I guess that makes it harder. Sometimes I wish I was just out of the house and detaching physically. But on the other hand, my time to see my kids every day is going to end when I move out - so I'm trying to maximize it right now.

Last night I was in a great space. The last few days were good and I was able to overcome the mental swirling. It's just that sometimes it gets overwhelming and very difficult to stop.

I have to believe that this seperation is going to be a good thing for me. It's what gives me hope.

[whiskey.tango]

Don't confuse control with security.

A message I received this weekend. I continue to work on letting go......

(I'm sorry for the loss of your parents)

WT

[steady]

Thanks for coming by Coach. You always have a way of lifting me up.

Right now having a bit of a hard time. Sometimes I can't get the swirling thoughts out of my head. Mostly sadness when it hits. I love my W and want to keep my family together. I know it's not my choice and I have absolutely no control, but knowing this doesn't make it easier.

I understand that. Right about when I was feeling like that someone would mention - "patience." It's hard to let things happen instead of us trying to force destiny and make it happen, like we really have any control.

I got it coach. Patience. I keep needing to be reminded of that. And you're right about letting things happen. It's a fine line knowing when to let things happen and when to make things happen. Well this answer just came to me:

Out of my control - let things happen. Don't try to exercise control on the uncontrolable
In my control - make things happen

I keep having to let go, over and over again. Sometimes it's easier than others.

Instead of letting go just stop pulling. Save some of that energy for positive actions that will bear fruit.

I think there's some fear of the unknown mixed in there too. It's funny but if I knew for certain what the future held, it seems the adjustment would be soooo much easier. You got a crystal ball?

Fear immobilises us, makes us make poor decisions and robs us of giving. Love is the antidote for fear so start by loving yourself. We love you brother, keep plugging.

Cheers
Coach

ps Peace be with you.

I'm not sure about the pulling thing. I've been working on my self-confidence and when it's there for real the fear goes away. I know this too shall pass.

[steady]

Don't confuse control with security.

A message I received this weekend. I continue to work on letting go......

(I'm sorry for the loss of your parents)

WT

WT, I'm not sure what that means (confusing control with security). Could you elaborate?

And thanks about my parents. It was a hard year. They died six months apart in my brothers house and I was there for both of them. Very tough stuff.

[whiskey.tango]

Don't confuse control with security.

The feeling that if I can just get things to go a certain way, everything will be fine.

I'd worry. I'd fret. I'd prepare myself for all possible outcomes. And still be taken by surprise.....

I'm still not completely in this zen groove, but getting closer every day....

WT

[ernest88]

welcome back Coaster Boy...just when I thought it was safe to go away...you start spinning again..

I'd make a plan brother...a plan will eleviate some of that stuff your feeling..

a financial plan..
where you gonna live..
how the kids are gonna visit type plan..

I'd prepare myself for the worst possible..

there's a really good life out there Ken...I'm walking, talking,, stylin' profilin' proof...2 times over...

suck it up...and move forward..

[steady]

Don't confuse control with security.

The feeling that if I can just get things to go a certain way, everything will be fine.

I'd worry. I'd fret. I'd prepare myself for all possible outcomes. And still be taken by surprise.....

I'm still not completely in this zen groove, but getting closer every day....

WT

OK WT...I get it. It's funny but I know there's an element of 'be careful what you wish for' in all of this. I know that if my W turned around right now and said she wanted to stop the seperation process I know it wouldn't work - I know this because she hasn't done the individual work that would be required. I also know that I haven't refound myself and got my footing on solid ground.

And the 'taken by surprise' statement - I know that one all too well. It's just the constant reminder until I get it through my thick skull where it actually is the default thought process - rather than the one I have to work towards. Same goes for remembering I have no control over the sitch, remembering what she is/has been doing to our family and me, allowing the process to unfold, etc...

These are the things I want to be as the default in my mind.

I like the zen groove analogy. For cryin out loud I just posted it above in the 'We'll See' story. LOL. How easily I forget.