I hate sometimes to compare our stitches because I had an A and you aren't sure and aren't going to pursue. I completely understand. I felt guilty and I wanted my H to be happy, too. I knew I was making him unhappy, but I believed that I was doing the right thing for him. (You mean HE gets to choose what he believes??!! lol) I believed he deserved somebody who loved everything about him and who could be faithful to him. I didn't think I truly made him happy. Otherwise why did he need to drink like a fish to be around me?
So I was good to let him go because I had rationalized it in my mind that I was doing him a favor! I was preventing him from being really hurt. He said he was miserable, but if he would have known the truth at the time, he sure wouldn't have been. I figured it was just a matter of time before he would be okay. You hear/see all the time that people move on, it's a fact of life, life is better after divorce, etc. Until you start reading around and realize, no stupid, that's not true. It's not always better. It doesn't feel better yet, and it should according to those "other sources".
You have to forgive yourself for not doing all those things that you think would have meant something, because there is no guarantee in that either. There are no guarantees. No matter how much we all wish we could do that for each other, it's just not possible. Be patient. PLEASE don't give up. Forgive yourself and start to change the things you don't like.
VDay is Saturday. In the past, I really haven't done anything for H. He "never" did for me, so why would I? Because. That's not the person I want to be anymore. I want to do those things. I am tired of being a martyr. And maybe it's just one of those little 180s that will help show him things CAN be different if he will let them. She will see it, too. I promise. Just calm, cool, relaxed. You are doing good.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I agree with John and don't believe your H's chain of command approves of having OW stay at his place. If she's on active duty, she should be drawing BAH and having her own place. And if not, why isn't she in the dorms????
Unless of course this wench is in dire financial situation that she needs to save all the money she can (to pay creditors, for example)...
Did your H ever tell you the reason why OW is staying with him?
Was reading Love Must Be Tough by Dr James Hobson last night and came across what fits my sitch pretty well. She works of course but before I left for this deployment she was a loving, caring woman towards me that is. I mean she had her anger about things and other problems but all in all she was a woman I had no problem spending the rest of my life with(and still don't if she comes home). Since the time I've been gone, according to the book, she has become a "new woman". And she has! While she may not be angry on the surface something that she said the other day makes it appear that she is deeply angry which matches the book also. The book says she is tired of being abused and taken for granted and disrespected. This matches in my mind as she said the other day that she wasn't taking [censored] off anyone anymore and didn't have it any her to care about anyone else anymore. She said it just clicked off one day and she wasn't doing it. The book says her attitude towards God may be likely revised--yep that matches as she told me she doesn't pray anymore and that God never answered her prayers anyway.
Now I don't know if she has run to the arms of another man and I don't know what good it will do for my self-esteem to find out if she is or has but the book says that the saddest chapter in the life of the new woman is when she runs from her children and runs to establish her new identity and runs to the arms of another man. WOW--so far this is matching pretty well except that I don't know if there is another man.
Here is the checklist given for the husband of a new woman.
1. The hostile woman may have legitimate complaints. She does and I've apologized for them, am willing to work on them with couseling to save our marraige but she cannot and will not forgive according to her. Affection is too little too late, believes I hated my SS--not the case. Believes I made fun of her--wasn't doing it intentionally--love my wife to death(these were things said early in the relationship that I had no idea hurt her and was probably teasing at the time--God that hurts me just to think about it. So she does have valid complaints which I would be overjoyed to work on if given the opportunity but alas, she would rather not. 2. Once the storm begins to howl, it resembles the turmoil of adolescencse. Ok, this one is a little harder but she is definantly acting like a young 20 something woman--new body(smoking hot), gorgeous hair, 20 something attitude from hell--you all the woman that knows she looks good and is not going to take crap from anyone cause she knows she can get away with it--thats my take anyway. Very hostile 3. This particulary new hostile woman needs her space during her discontent and should be given it. If she would seperate from her family, let her go.(A lot harder to do than say--really hurts me that she is doing this). The book says if she doesn't call leave her to her solitude(I haven't called except to return one of the calls about my daughter--I want to though but realize there is no reasoning with her at this point). Let her feel that she is free in the spirit that I have described. Open the door to her domestic cage, but make her do the flying. 4. At some point, if infidelity is involved, it will be appropriate to apply the principles of loving toughness described herein. Great tact and wisdom are required to know how and when to say; That's enough; now make your choice. I'll accept either decision.
I still don't know if there is someone else--I will assume worst case scenario for arguements sake and leave it at that. I mean really, what good will it do for me to find out anyway? If she were still in the home and wanting to work on us then ok I could see how this would be important. But am I missing something? TELL ME, why do I need to know this if she's not even willing to try and save the marraige? To make me more miserable? To make her more spiteful? Someone help me out here please.
I am trying to be the better person in this. I have not pointed any fingers at my wife since I have been home. I will not bash her in couseling. I will seek to understand why she is doing this so if and when it is really over, I mean really over if I am ever lucky enough to find someone else who is special, I don't make the same mistakes. I have taken so much for granted in my life and it breaks my heart that I usually get things too late.
Gonna read some more of DB today. Try to clean the house up a little too. Really just don't care right now though.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
My daughter wasn't feeling that great this morning when she got up. Said she's boy crazy right now and just feeling down. The wife called at 6 this morning to make sure my daughter was up. Asked if it was alright that she come over and have a "slumber party" with her tomorrow night. I said, I don't see why not. Should I really let her come? I mean I can't stop her from seeing her daughter and I would rather my daughter be comfortable in her home that in some room somewhere. My initial reaction is to clean as much as I can to show her what she is giving up. I don't think it will make that much of a difference but it might cast some more doubt if there is any--I'm hoping and praying. I tried not to be ugly on the phone but in reflection, my answers were a little short and curt. I wish she wasn't so resolved to doing this. She is so confident in what she is doing, it's almost scary. She told me she would be TDY during spring break and some other time. I said, I'm sure you'll have a good time. She said, what makes you think I'm having a good time? I haven't been anywhere, just been sitting here in this room. I didn't say anything. WHY WON'T SHE ATTEMPT TO WORK THIS OUT????? This is madness... Any suggestions on how to handle this visit tomorrow night????
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Why would you want to know? I wrestle with this too. Mostly because I want the truth. It's my new "thing", I guess. I'm sick and tired of the lying from my own A. I HATE that I did that. So brutal honesty is my new thing. I would rather know and deal with the truth than with what my own mind can create. Because the truth is prolly NOT as bad as what I can create in my own mind.
She's gonna realize what she left behind. It may take her time. It will prolly take her more than a week. Okay, implementation of Murphy's Law. About the time you realize you don't miss her anymore, she'll be back, upsetting your apple cart again. DAW, anyway.
((((John))))
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Was reading Love Must Be Tough by Dr James Hobson last night and came across what fits my sitch pretty well. She works of course but before I left for this deployment she was a loving, caring woman towards me that is. I mean she had her anger about things and other problems but all in all she was a woman I had no problem spending the rest of my life with(and still don't if she comes home). Since the time I've been gone, according to the book, she has become a "new woman". And she has! While she may not be angry on the surface something that she said the other day makes it appear that she is deeply angry which matches the book also. The book says she is tired of being abused and taken for granted and disrespected. This matches in my mind as she said the other day that she wasn't taking [censored] off anyone anymore and didn't have it any her to care about anyone else anymore. She said it just clicked off one day and she wasn't doing it. The book says her attitude towards God may be likely revised--yep that matches as she told me she doesn't pray anymore and that God never answered her prayers anyway.
Now I don't know if she has run to the arms of another man and I don't know what good it will do for my self-esteem to find out if she is or has but the book says that the saddest chapter in the life of the new woman is when she runs from her children and runs to establish her new identity and runs to the arms of another man. WOW--so far this is matching pretty well except that I don't know if there is another man.
Here is the checklist given for the husband of a new woman.
1. The hostile woman may have legitimate complaints. She does and I've apologized for them, am willing to work on them with couseling to save our marraige but she cannot and will not forgive according to her. Affection is too little too late, believes I hated my SS--not the case. Believes I made fun of her--wasn't doing it intentionally--love my wife to death(these were things said early in the relationship that I had no idea hurt her and was probably teasing at the time--God that hurts me just to think about it. So she does have valid complaints which I would be overjoyed to work on if given the opportunity but alas, she would rather not. 2. Once the storm begins to howl, it resembles the turmoil of adolescencse. Ok, this one is a little harder but she is definantly acting like a young 20 something woman--new body(smoking hot), gorgeous hair, 20 something attitude from hell--you all the woman that knows she looks good and is not going to take crap from anyone cause she knows she can get away with it--thats my take anyway. Very hostile 3. This particulary new hostile woman needs her space during her discontent and should be given it. If she would seperate from her family, let her go.(A lot harder to do than say--really hurts me that she is doing this). The book says if she doesn't call leave her to her solitude(I haven't called except to return one of the calls about my daughter--I want to though but realize there is no reasoning with her at this point). Let her feel that she is free in the spirit that I have described. Open the door to her domestic cage, but make her do the flying. 4. At some point, if infidelity is involved, it will be appropriate to apply the principles of loving toughness described herein. Great tact and wisdom are required to know how and when to say; That's enough; now make your choice. I'll accept either decision.
I still don't know if there is someone else--I will assume worst case scenario for arguements sake and leave it at that. I mean really, what good will it do for me to find out anyway? If she were still in the home and wanting to work on us then ok I could see how this would be important. But am I missing something? TELL ME, why do I need to know this if she's not even willing to try and save the marraige? To make me more miserable? To make her more spiteful? Someone help me out here please.
I am trying to be the better person in this. I have not pointed any fingers at my wife since I have been home. I will not bash her in couseling. I will seek to understand why she is doing this so if and when it is really over, I mean really over if I am ever lucky enough to find someone else who is special, I don't make the same mistakes. I have taken so much for granted in my life and it breaks my heart that I usually get things too late.
Gonna read some more of DB today. Try to clean the house up a little too. Really just don't care right now though.
I wish she wasn't so resolved to doing this. She is so confident in what she is doing, it's almost scary. She told me she would be TDY during spring break and some other time. I said, I'm sure you'll have a good time. She said, what makes you think I'm having a good time? I haven't been anywhere, just been sitting here in this room. I didn't say anything. WHY WON'T SHE ATTEMPT TO WORK THIS OUT????? This is madness...
Yes, it is. By DEFINITION. She's lost right now, and the sooner you stop driving yourself crazy with all the "WHYs" the better off you'll be, John.
Why won't she attempt to work this out? Because right now, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO.
It's that simple. All you can do is work on saving YOURSELF right now, and MAYBE she'll decide at some point that yours is a ride on which she wants to come along.
I know you're right. I am obsessing at bit. I guess I'll continue to play it day by day.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Interesting interaction today. Called her about taking her car off the account and she said she would take care of it today. Said our tax return would probably be here today. I said we are putting that on our joint credit card right, that's what you said? She said no, that's not right, you don't listen. I'm going to put in on these other credit cards. I said well, it's our tax return shouldn't we talk about it? She I'll put it on whatever the f#$% credit card I want to. I said there's no reason to get nasty, I'll let you go. If you want to talk about it later let me know. Wow, she really must have built up some serious hate for me while I was gone.
Went to lunch with my buddy today. Caught up on old times and he said he sees it as a positive that she is coming for a sleepover w/ my daughter. Says I should treat her like a guest. We'll see how it goes I guess.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
