Work is insane. I am up to it with all the work piled up on top of what else I am "supposed" to do, plus all these new projects. I find myself at work, the same way the rest of my life is, alone. So I will handle this the way I handle that, shut my mouth, march to their beat, don't complain, take it on the chin until something else comes along.
My boss says we have to act like we are in a white room, like no other departments exist, and deal with everything ourselves. Meaning, everyone do what you can, what ever you can't, we'll find a reason to make it LD's. Well you know what, that's great advice actually. I will act like I am in a big white room, and not depend on anyone for anything. that should pretty much end my compaining, end my pain and suffering, end my bouts of depression and anything else my life is causing me. I am going to shell myslef. Worked as a kid when I had the patch over my eye and everyone made fun of me.
W IM'd D17 asking her if I got her text. she can't pay car ins becuasde she has top buy tires. Read her text asking me "when are you going to do the taxes, I need money to get my car fixed and if there is enough left, put some towards the car ins." Text her back and told her I am filing seperately, we do not exist, u need to file ur own taxes.
I have decided to no longer play this game. I have come to the realization that it is over and me going on with my life holding onto this joke of a relationship is doing nothing for me at any level. She can have her life and not have to ever worry about me any more. she won't have to worry if she ever wakes up whether or hnot there is a place for her. there isn't. I am sorry I wasted everyone's time here. the support here for me has been nothing short of phenomenal. I apprecaite everything, Michele the book was great, and I have recommended it to several people, won't lend my copy out, it has sentimenatal vaule to me.
anyway, I have finally kicked this to the curb. I am moving on. I would'v eloved to have her back, I would love for all of us to be a family again, but I need to face the cold hard facts. I believed it in her coming back so hard and wanted it so much, that everything else seemed non-existant. that will now change, she is non existant. I will do my taxes, apparently, she doesn't know she walked away from me and ended this marriage, oh well, big surprise to her I guess.
I will check back on all of you from time to time. ddday, buddy, I wish you all the best, wish both of our sitches worked out. 25year, be strong daling, you are one of my rocks and I love ya for it. amy FH, Tgone and the rest, god bless you all. The big plan right now is me, I have made my decision, I need to be a big boy and sit up at the big boy table now and get off the pot. No more tears no more hoping and wishing, its over its done. I realize now why We walk, its to get away from tyhis. I know the Lord is not partial to divorce or the rest of a marriage being torn up. I apologized to Him before typing this, I apologized to my father, my grandmother and all my kids pictures and even my grandbabies.
I am sorry for this, I didn't do it, sure I didn't help, but I am a doormat, I am an enabler, and I am no longer wanting to be any of that. I will find someone who likes being themselves, being normal and being with me. I will find someone I like being with and can be myself around. and who knows, maybe I will find love again. Not sure If I can, but with God's help, I will find away to fill my heart with someone. God bless you all on this site. Listen to the advice given, be strong and confident, find yourselves, because no one will do it for you. Until you know yourself and can love yourself, no one else can. best advice given to me.
I have found myslef, and after three days of reflection realized that I have changed alot, but I can not tatally change as long as I enable my wife's unfaithful and immoral life. I am her doormat no longer, because i no longer care. It's sad, but I have been reading other posts in other threads and have had time to really think this over. I knew it was only a matter of time before the reality of this would kick me in the crotch. It did, about 6:20 PM EST. I release her to her own.....
PS She text back to my response with " We were together for 3/4' of the year and my money paid for groceries and our cash for our weekends and I need the money and I did a lot in that house. I held firm and told her, "I am running the house, I have no spending money for weekend parties or the like, you left me with all my utilities getting shut off one after the other and cost 2 grand out of my pocket. U left me long ago, face up to it. I am not going to pay u for wut you did to me." end of quote, end of astory
Glad you responded. It's been 6 months, but need to face the facts of her infidelity, how long that was going on i didn't know about, her new lifestyle and the only time i hear from her is about money she needs and nmoney she ain't got.
I need to tell you that there was a text battle tonight Amy, and i was shaking because it is the first time i spoke my mind....the first.
I told her I didn't want to pay her for what she did to me, her response was i wasn't paying her, she was entitled because we were together for 3/4 of the year. My response was, you were gone long before that, unless u forgot your own words. Look you sucked the life out of me, wasn't that enough? turn your car in, I don't care they will come after me, liek the $200o in bills you left me with and 3 months behind in the mortgage. i found a way and took care of it, where was your half of those bills? I didn't ask you fro a cent.
I was shaking....Amy my head has to get clear of this, even you have told me that. I can't drop the rope, you see it and have been seeing it. you nailed it when you said i have just been otherwise occupied. The thought of her coming back to me keeps me afloat and drowns me at the same time.
Supplanter, to wrongfully hold others possessions or place. Jeremiah 9, I have read it. I understand it and I know to which part you mean I fall into. but this is God's will, that I must depart this and leave it totally to Him. I am finally doing that. You and I have discussed how I need to do it. My belief in her return was outweighing all my other beliefs, I believe this to be his will, his guidance and Our path together. My walk with Him will be long, He wants me healed, He wants me free of this, my readings of passages that pertain to this to me, indicate that I leave this wholly and fully in His hands. I must lay down my staff, take His hand and walk upright like a man. It hurts, I cried to my DIL, she understands. She feels that maybe it is what I have to do to have anything with her again.
How long should i wait while she tells everyone she is single and sleeping around with someone else. She is proud of what she has done, MLC, Alholoic or whatever. I cannot keep enabling this and toturing myself by constantly focusing on her and when she will return.
After I posted and my private yahoos, her text about the taxes started, within 2 minutes. Ironic, no, I don't think so, other parties are at play. i am not leaving bitter or angry, I am just walking, quietly. She has not responded to my last text in which i told her, voluntarily turn your car in, you don't want to ruin my credit anymore than you did? what you have done to me, trust me, the pain u r putting me through and what I have been through. My credit is insignificant to what you did to me.
You say youre entitled to the money, wut about wut I was entitled to and wut I am entitled to? Yopu say your check paid for the groceries and our money for the weekends, lets remember how"our" weekends turned out, you with another man, yoeah, let me pay you back for that. I have filed, head of household, I have claimed D17 you have your W2's, go have your taxes done, I want none of that money for all the outstanding bills, my daughters lunch money, the food I pay for top feed her, the money i use to clothe her, I won't ask you for anything. You have nothing I need in my life. We are not We, you saw to that, you and you alone....fabricate what you want, but you have made me believe all my time with you was always a question mark, no exclamation points. Thats what you have done to me....Move on and leave me alone...
Harsh, hell yeah its harsh, but i have not shown her that hurt emotion nor have I discussed it with her. She walked, she cheated, no pain, no sorrow, no regret....The Lord has me walking through pastures, the image now has meaning to me. Who knows what the future holds. don't hate me for this. I feel bad enough, but I know you understand why I am doing this, because she knows I wait for her. and now, well now I don't really care what she thinks.
Thanks Amy, I didn't sleep well, its like it started all over again. It was the first time I told her anything remotely like that and its the first time I ever let that out. I will keep the word in my head. Am i in the right passage, "Trust ye not a brother....."
Her last text to me was that she won't turn in the car, she'll sell it, I won't do that to you. That's it. I won't hear or see her until my grandsons Bday in April. church doors were locked last night, I wanted to sit there for a while, clear my head after that "battle". Dream last night was brutally violent with me just shooting people, I was in an airport and people were chasing me and i was shooting people and hiding.....Woke me up, vicious nightmare...I prayed last night that we might just stay in the pasture for a while, He wants to keep walking, no rest yet....
I pray like you won't believe. I wake up int he middle of the night still clutching the cross around my neck. I just don't really see it back. He wants me to move, I believe His words. No rest. As I start to sit He steps forward and I get up and move with Him. This image shows no waiting, it is constantly moving, i am not tired. I am looking at the word and I guess I understadn what you are hinting at. I am not taking his place in this, I am taking a backseat to Him and doing as He guides me to do. there are no signs from anything, there are no words from anyone. there is only my prayers and what comes to me as His word. She needs to be alone, not text, emailed, called or seen by me. She needs to find Him, not me. she needs to see and hear from Him, not me. I cannot help but interfere, I love her too much. So I relent. What comes of this is His will. But now I am doing as He tells me. there is no waiting, He sees the pain it has caused me and is causing me. He sees the damge by focusing on her and this situation, He knows I need to get busy with my life and forget this. I am trying and I will. sad thing is, now all I can think about with her ishow many times and how long has she been unfaithful. It is definitely wrong to judge her this way, but there it is.....I will be in church this weekend, no doubt. I need to sit and listen, to watch and hear.....I need to feel him with me, His arm around me, I need to know where to go now...Becasue, quite honestly, I don't know....
