Well, we've been to two marriage councilors in the past. However, the first one was a mess. The second was good, but we did nothing he told us.
See, the problem my wife and I were faced with was this: She was waiting for her feelings to change and I was too afraid that she was going to divorce me to do anything about it. And that is pretty much how we existed for the past two and a half years. I read DB and started trying many of the techniques and come November she wanted to work it out.
Unfortunately, all of the tragedy in the past couple months seems to have undone everything we'd fixed.
When she came to me on the 3rd talking about D, I went out to pick up another copy of DB and found DR instead. Now the problem that I have is that I am kind of stuck as to how to move from here. I would say that I am definitely in "Last Resort" territory, yet LR seems to be aimed towards separation. But I am living there, so the typical DB steps seem more appropriate. While I have no plans to stop doing the DB steps, it seems like she feels that I am doing what I'm doing simply because she's filing. The thing is, it's not like I'm chasing her or trying to be super husband. In fact, just tonight she was saying that she needed me to stop and get coloured pens to address the kids' valentine's day cards for their party tomorrow. I was at my parents writing a journal review due tomorrow (and also because I was feeling a bit fragile today and I didn't want to breakdown now)and I told her that I could pick them up and address the envelopes when I get home. She then texted and asked if I could just finish at home since the kids were asleep and she would just run and do it. I called her back and asked her if this was something that she really wanted to do or if it would be okay for me to do it when I get home. She said it was fine if I did it, but she would just feel better if she knew it was done. I told her that it would get done and that way I didn't have to shut down and have to refocus later. She seemed a little agitated, but I told her I needed to get back to work. So I hung up.
Normally, that would have gone completely differently. In the old days (pre-ILYBNILWY), I would have picked up the pens and left it for her to do. Not because I was lazy, but because I would just assume that since she asked me to get the pens and I had done so, I had fulfilled my obligation. Post-ILYBNILWY I would have dropped what I was doing and either purchased the pens and ran them home or would have come straight home so that she could get out of the house for a bit. But since her concern was not getting out of the house but that I would not remember to address the envelopes, I decided that the best course of action would be to finish what I needed to finish first (if she is going to be single she needs to realize that I wont be at home if she needs to run out at 9 or 10 at night), then purchase the pens, and make darn sure I fill out those envelopes, seal them, and put them in the kids' backpacks.
Has anyone here used the phone coaching. I was considering giving it a try, but my money is tight right now. I wish I had done it a few months ago. Anyway, I think that speaking to someone directly who doesn't know her or I might ease my anxiety and point me in a more fine-tuned direction.
