Exposing at EA

[sandi2]

Hi Still Waters. I have not joined in the conversation about exposing the A lately b/c I still have mixed feeling over some of it. I can understand why your SIL wanted to protect her dad. That is natural and I would have been the same way. It still hurts me to know that my H told my mother and she had to be caught up in things and suffer the pain she did. I won't go into all of that again, but I feel that somehow it would be very, very difficult for a father to hear from his son-in-law that his daughter was having an affair. Don't you? Think about that. It would be easier to hear it from one of the other daughters rather than the husband of his wayward daughter. Maybe that is just my thinking. But, I believe there is a special relationship between a father and daughter and a certain amount of his pride would be involved with you facing him and revealing to him how wayward his beloved daughter had been. It would probably distroy any future close relationship with you and him. I may have it all wrong, but his other daughter was very protective of him for a reason.

If you see no hope for the M and just want to bust the affair, then exposing it is about your only option, but it doesn't necessarily get the wife back in bed with you. I know I wouldn't.

I do see some cases where that would seem to be the logical option if you were just going to bust the affair. But, it is a painful one and usually a lot of innoncent people end up suffering a lot of pain.

I was about to think that you were unconciously trying to get her family to force her to stop the affair until I read where you could not stand to see the pain she was going through and you were worried about her health. I believe some H's refer to force as "family support". I admit that I wondered if that was your last resort--was to have her family "make" her stop the affair out of guilt or whatever it took to end it. But I have decided that you are sincere in that you were trying to do what you thought was best and not just to "fix" a situation you had no control over. The fact it, her family doesn't either. Oh, they can talk to her and shame her and it can cause a lot of hurt and disappointment.....but what has it solved? Will it stop the affair? Maybe. If it does, then what happens? If she does not go back to you, what happens to her and her family? How has that left them. You may decide to move on with your life, but what about her dad and her sisters? They will not be able to move on very well, will they? B/c as Puppy said, blood is thicker than water. She may be able to make them think she was the victim, who knows? It is a gamble either way you look at it, so it leaves me right back where I started.......should you or shouldn't you expose to family, friends and others?

I even thought she was putting on a good perfomance for you, but maybe at that particular time she did mean "part" of what she said. I have my doubts about all of it. There was a part where you described how she was pulling her hair and digging her fingers into her arms that brought back some bad memories. But, that could have been a performance also, b/c when we females get our emotions rolling.....we can really put them into a channeled force. In other words, we can make them "work" for us in how we want to be protrayed. However, I also remember how wishy-washy I was from morning till evening, so it is anyone's guess if she was sincere about what she said, or even if she was at that moment.....if it will stick. But here's the thing that I always look at. Whenever a woman is having an affair, and she "talks" like she is willing to suddenly stop and work on the M? I have serious doubts unless the affair is in trouble and looks as though it may end soon. B/c she is addicted and she is not going to be able to stop as easily as she thinks.....unless her lover has already dumped her---or else she isn't quite sure yet how things may go with him and she is still trying to hold on to a thread with you.....for security sake. I personally can't help but think that is the reason behind her wanting another month--is to see how things progress between the two of them. She thinks if he doesn't make a commitment or at least move up to another level in the R, then she will go back to you. If he does, then she will leave you.

So, a person could about lose their mind trying to figure out the thinking of a WAW involved in an affair. If I were you, I would not apologize for snooping or tell her it makes you sad that she was in so much pain and that you appreciate her honesty in sharing her feelings with you, etc. That part of the post you sent, I did not agree with. Who said she was being honest? Besides, why should you apologize for what you did to find out what she was doing....which was being unfaithful to you! Anyway, you only hurt yourself by making you sound like the bad guy and her the poor little WAW whose needs were not being met.

I know this has got to sound like a crazy mixed up post b/c I was all over the place trying to express my own feelings about something I have not fully settled on. I respect Puppy so very much and he knows that. I respect what he went through to save his M. But, as I said, I still have issues about some parts of the exposure. I know the wayward spouse is responsible for the pain that is brought about for her actions, but does that give the LBS the right to hurt other people by informing them of her actions? Plus, I don't quite see the LBS spreading the dirty laundry for everyone to see what a bad person she is in attempts to get her back in the M. That hardly makes sense to me, but maybe it works for some. If it is to bust the affair.....it may or may not work. I suppose I was raised to believe M problems was a private matter......even an affair. You worked it out between the two of you and you did not involve innocent people. I am not talking about having to lie to your family and things like that.....that is another matter b/c if it comes to that part....I don't believe in lying to cover their tracks. Again, there are some times that you have to do it.

I personally think that dropping the rope is your best option. That is JMHO for whatever it is worth.

Sorry for the jumbled up post. Hope it did not confuse you more.

Sandi