I guess I'm coming from the camp of people who had a happy marriage and were blindsided by the A. When my W says that this would have happened eventually, I just have a hard time believing it considering how our marriage had been up to that point. I guess I could believe her, but it doesn't jive with what I know about her and how our relationship went.
I think it's an important distinction because when they say "this would have happened anyway," it's sort of like saying "this marriage was doomed," and I think it blocks them from making realistic attempts at recovery. If they can admit "I screwed up and I became infatuated with someone else," there is more to work with. I think the fact that my wife claims the former when the reality of our marriage didn't suggest that means that she's into this really deep, and I don't think she WANTS to get out of the EA. She's continually looking for reasons to rationalize why she is in it.
