Hey folks! I just thought I'd bring up the title of this thread as a topic.
Whether we are HD or LD, it seems that true intimacy is intimidating....and, aren't they actually from the same word root? And I believe "intimate" means actually to "make known".
(feel free to correct me here if needed, I am going off from fuzzy memory of these word roots)
I have learned so much about *true* intimacy from my fiance that I never knew before...and yet I was screaming to the world "I WANT INTIMACY!!!" And then when the opportunity to have true intimacy was upon me, I would scurry under my emotional blankets and ask "why are YOU here in my world of alone-ness trying to drag me out?"
I also learned that, some people actually use physical intimacy as a way to AVOID true emotional intimacy. That one took a long time to sink in for me, but now I think I finally "get it".
Several people on this forum have talked about this topic recently, but in different forms. Ali has talked about how she has been asking her H to consider physical intimacy as a more spiritual endeavor....yet at the same time she would worry "do I look fat naked under these lights"? (Ali - I know that wasn't word for word, but I hope I communicated the gist of it). So obviously, if you are deep into a spiritual connection, you won't be worried about looking fat...and yet, we still do? So what does that say?
This has been a topic I have had to spend years on my own pysche to understand. I think I've finally passed my own threasholds and I no longer hold back, afraid of intimacy. I want to have communion with my partner...a true connection and communication and intimacy all at once....which - when it occurs - is nothing short of fantastic! But even just those tiny, juicy moments of pure physical intimacy WITHOUT fear, are worth the whole journey I have come thus far.
It took me at least 2 years of my fiance continuously pointing out ways in which I was blocking intimacy from him (mostly emotional intimacy) before I could really move past it. And each time he brought it up, I was unaware of the fact that I was doing this. Finally, when I "got it", it was all so easy....you just have to let go....of your fears, of what you think is "yourself"....of your preconceived notions of what true intimacy is supposed to feel like....of your focus on your body and sensation....of your efforts to control everything....I finally get it now. But I am a totally different person than when I began this journey, and I had no clue how far I would have to travel to get here.
Thoughts? Points? Examples of holding back on intimacy without realizing it?
When you are "running" through life, busy, busy, busy, social, driven... There is so much noise in your head, you have no way of allowing intimacy anywhere near you. You can't feel anyone else, because signals can't get in. There's just too much internal traffic to connect with anyone on the outside.
I think it's important to slow down, quiet down, find a headspace that allows some sort of meditation. Then, you can start thinking and being open for intimacy to happen.
Don't know if I was running from intimacy all those years or if I was making myself crazy to avoid it or to avoid the pain of not having it in my life. Either way, I'm done running.
I think here (in the USA) we have a sort of built in intimacy blocker with our personal space issues. For instance, when we are young, we are taught not to "stare". If you see someone who looks different, looks good, looks scary, basically looks ANYWAY at all....we as children automatically want to stare at the person. But our mothers immediately stop us in our tracks, because "staring is rude".
But when you really think about it, why is staring rude?
Is it really just because we are afraid of intimacy as a whole country?
A friend of mine is a world traveler and has told me that in other countries, it is not necessarily rude to stare. So he would be sitting on a bus, crammed with with many people and sometimes animals, and people would just outright stare at him and not turn away if he turned to look at them. He said at first it made him self-conscious. But then it made him examine "why am I self-conscious just because someone is staring at me?" We then had the conversation of "is it because we fear inside that if someone is staring, it means they are getting to close too us? Or is it that we fear that their staring means that we don't look right? Or a combination?"
We seem to want to move through life in stealth mode, while still attending to all our hectic hustle bustle (as Lucky was saying above)...we don't want people to STARE at us.
But why? Just simply having a stranger look at us causes us to fear losing ourselves, perhaps? Maybe this person will see too deeply into us and take something away and run home with it? Why?
I love staring at people. Can't help it. I'm very curious! If they catch me, I just smile kindly and then look away.
I've lived in big cities where you grow to live with the invisible wall that everyone seemed to be putting up. I never knew my neighbors in my apartment building. I referred to them as "glasses guy," "Chinese people who threw the live mouse in a grocery bag outside their door," "hipster guy," "Titanic soundtrack blaring lady..." When we would come and go in the hallways, we wouldn't look at each other (just like the elevator phenomenon).
I think I read or heard somewhere along the way that staring is confrontational. I think the parallel was made to dogs. When dogs make eye contact with each other, it is sort of a "chicken" test to see which dog has more dominance.
You said you love staring at people....does it make you feel wiggy when people stare at you? Or only when certain people stare at you? Or do you never feel wiggy about it?
The yucky old perverty guy at the convenience store grossed me out. I looked waaayyyy away.
The hot guy at the gym scared me because I knew looking back would invite an affair. He got the hint and never stared again.
Sandra Bernhardt on Greenwich Street in Manhattan... It was fun to stare right back because I'm not into women, never would go there, but it was fun getting attention from a celebrity. Because I would never go there made the stare less meaningful so I was able to entertain it. Woooo-She stared right into me the whole time she walked by. Dead serious. After a couple of seconds, it took some guts to keep my stare back at her.
The bitchy friend of an old boyfriend who stared at me to intimidate me... I was chicken and looked away and pretended she wasn't there.
The yucky old perverty guy at the convenience store grossed me out. I looked waaayyyy away.
The hot guy at the gym scared me because I knew looking back would invite an affair. He got the hint and never stared again.
Sandra Bernhardt on Greenwich Street in Manhattan... It was fun to stare right back because I'm not into women, never would go there, but it was fun getting attention from a celebrity. Because I would never go there made the stare less meaningful so I was able to entertain it. Woooo-She stared right into me the whole time she walked by. Dead serious. After a couple of seconds, it took some guts to keep my stare back at her.
The bitchy friend of an old boyfriend who stared at me to intimidate me... I was chicken and looked away and pretended she wasn't there.
The yucky old perverty guy at the convenience store grossed me out. I looked waaayyyy away.
The hot guy at the gym scared me because I knew looking back would invite an affair. He got the hint and never stared again.
Sandra Bernhardt on Greenwich Street in Manhattan... It was fun to stare right back because I'm not into women, never would go there, but it was fun getting attention from a celebrity. Because I would never go there made the stare less meaningful so I was able to entertain it. Woooo-She stared right into me the whole time she walked by. Dead serious. After a couple of seconds, it took some guts to keep my stare back at her.
The bitchy friend of an old boyfriend who stared at me to intimidate me... I was chicken and looked away and pretended she wasn't there.
The yucky old perverty guy at the convenience store grossed me out. I looked waaayyyy away.
The hot guy at the gym scared me because I knew looking back would invite an affair. He got the hint and never stared again.
Sandra Bernhardt on Greenwich Street in Manhattan... It was fun to stare right back because I'm not into women, never would go there, but it was fun getting attention from a celebrity. Because I would never go there made the stare less meaningful so I was able to entertain it. Woooo-She stared right into me the whole time she walked by. Dead serious. After a couple of seconds, it took some guts to keep my stare back at her.
The mean friend of an old boyfriend who stared at me to intimidate me... I was chicken and looked away and pretended she wasn't there.
