Thanks Lucky. At work but will respond to you soon.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
The excuses are just excuses. It doesn't matter what the excuse is. What I mean to say is, just because she says she's too sleepy doesn't mean that she's too sleepy to talk. Regardless, there is much deeper stuff at play, and her excuses are just her throwing up roadblocks that you have to mentally bulldoze through (no matter what the excuse is) and stay strong and consistent.
Correct. I need to realize that the excuse is not the issue, and not confuse the two. The hard part is getting to the real issue and ignoring the smokescreens. I still don't know what the real issue is.
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Read "Passionate Marriage." It will help you take your level of thinking to a whole other realm of rational strength. You'll be able to take a step back and assess what's going on in the moment without getting entangled in emotion (the concept is called "differentiation.") It is not an easy read, so be sure to find time when you can really focus on it.
Amazon says it will be here in a few days. I'm looking forward to it.
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The non-sexual touching is great. There are also ways of touching her in a sexual way where it doesn't lead to sex or your physical satisfaction. She might be blown away if you are able to give her an amazing night without "taking." It would reinforce that you aren't just interested in your own satisfaction during intimacy. Not sure if this idea is too "Nice Guy" or not, though. Maybe S&A can comment on that.
Sexual touching always leads to sex, since once she gets started she is very into it. She has an O every time we ML, and I do not always have to (and in case anyone thinks she is faking it, she is not, and I know this because she wont let me stop if she isn't finished lol). I have given without taking plenty of times. Working on this issue is making me rethink my approach however. I think I am actually too giving much of the time.
Her strong desire once we get started is good in many ways (the ML is always good), and bad in others, since she wont let me touch her unless she is prepared to spend some serious time. 10 seconds of sexual touching and she lights up like a bonfire, I'm not kidding. The problem is that she is fully aware of this, and therefore wont let me anywhere near her most of the time. That is why I have always gone from non-sexual touching to sneaking in some sexual touching in the past, it got results. It also has caused many residual problems, like her not trusting I can touch her non-sexually without an agenda. There is no casual sexual touching, ever. She wont even let me see her because she doesn't want me to get turned on and bother her.
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You can't fix her prioritization (procrastination?) problems. Just let her deal with and learn from her own fumbles. Of course, you can do your part to help with household/childcare stuff. Just listen to her, but detach yourself and don't get annoyed. It has nothing to do with you.
She has been fumbling this way for years and never learns. That part frustrates me, not because she complains, but because it affects how I get to spend my time also. I practically do all the housework and have D4 with me almost every weekend while she is playing catch up. Most W would die to have a H who does as much as I do. W of course doesn't see it. She only compares me to co-workers H for the things I don't do well (wash car, bring flowers etc). I'm thinking, yeah he washes the car and brings flowers, and they probably have sex with him, and cook for him, do the housework, and watch the kids most of the time.
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Read man, read! It's so empowering!
Oh I am believe me! Reading SSM and NMMNG a second time until PM arrives as it happens.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Books came in. I will post my thoughts on Passionate Marriage as I go through it Lucky.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
W asked me what I am going to get her for Valentine's Day. I was thinking about 5LL and I think if I had to guess I would say W's LLs are Gifts and Acts of Service.
Mine are probably Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. It's no wonder I have been so angry all this time, I always complained that she never touched me and constantly criticized me. That is certainly still the case.
On the other side of the coin, I have never really put a lot of time and thought into gifts for W...acts of service I have done a lot, maybe it is the only reason she stuck around. When D4 was born for example, W was feeling sleep deprived so I did all the nights (we were taking turns getting up initially). I even sent her into the spare room so she could get a full 8 or 9 hours of completely undisturbed sleep. This went on until D4 started sleeping through the night. Don't recall exactly how long it took, but it was many months. Lately W still complains that I don't keep her car washed, although I have been making sure it always has gas in it.
Dunno why I am writing about this, just on my mind I guess. First chapter of PM was very interesting, gives me a feeling that insight is just around the corner, but I don't want to get my hopes up too much.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
You and my husband both give sooooo much in the way of acts of service. It is awesome, really.
My husband does so much (and it seems you do, too,) that I don't know how to express the appreciation and awe I feel. In other words, I would be saying "thank you" a million times a day if I made a big deal out of each thing he does. Part of my awe with this is that I grew up in a household where the Mother does everything and the Father just goes to work. So, I'm always grateful for each and every act.
Anyway, I don't know if you feel appreciated by your wife, but I assure you that she does appreciate those acts.
Thanks for reminding me to take a moment this weekend to tell him how amazed I am by him.
I'm not sure in which category I fall, but perhaps that is why I dare to feel dissatisfied amidst all of his efforts to be a great husband. (Then again, no intimacy is a pretty legitimate reason to feel dissatisfied, in my opinion.)
Does your wife like the spa? Foolproof gift for many would be a gift certificate to the spa.
Spa...hmmm. She doesn't ever go anywhere unless she needs a haircut, or eyebrows done. I could get her a gift certificate but I'm not sure she will use it except for things she does anyway. I usually buy her gift cards to clothing stores since she always complains about not having enough clothes. Not very romantic, but she does enjoy clothes shopping quite a lot.
Last edited by spellfire; 02/11/0906:57 PM.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
That's actually not a bad idea as long as the emphasis is on it being non-sexual. She will assume I am doing it with a sexual agenda.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Just my two cents, but given your history I would stay away from personally giving her a massage as a VDay gift. I think she would definitely assume it is a sexual overture and therefore something for you, not for her. I'd stick to a gift certificate for a professional massage if you want to go that route.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
