Counseling or Divorce

[smartcookie]

I don't. That is only something we tell the BS so that they don't get walked on. In your case, I support that you should stay and he should leave. The problem you may have though, is that this type of man almost always wants the opposite of what the woman wants. If you say you want him to leave, then he will argue that he wants you to leave.

You're right, I normally feel that he takes a competitive approach to our conversations. I feel like I'm talking with the devil's advocate on most things.

My guess is that you should take the approach that he can stay and you WILL go. That it is SOOOOO important to you and you are so serious that you are GLAD to go. I hope you are that serious.

I AM that serious. I am GLAD to go. I just don't want to rip the kids up & away from their friends, & their environment.

Why are you ASKING him what he wants? These are still small signs that you are "allowing" him control. So, if he tells you that you are sleeping on the couch, YOU WILL???

I dont know........[censored] [censored] [censored]...... I suppose because it's gone on for soooooooooooo long.

These are subtle and small signs of someone that has been so controlled that they even ask them what they want after telling them they want a separation.

Now I'm crying because I hear that you get it. I'm also embarrased because this is not me. This is not who I was. I was better than this when I met him. I was stronger than this.

I suggest that you become more decisive.. "I AM sleeping on the couch" (leave the word "tonight" out because this should be indefinite now because of your new stance)(I don't think it would be wise to tell an abuser that he IS sleeping on the couch, but at least you come across decisive and not passive by TELLING him what you ARE doing)

If he argues with you and says, "no I will sleep on the couch", then tell him, that's fine. Then drop it.

Okay. Doc will help today too.

Take the kids with you and find another place. You can't show him you are serious with the above approach. It still gives him power over you. It is almost as if you have gotten kicked out and have to sneak in when he isn't home. Not good...

Yes, that makes sense. It felt that way to me too. Then I thought I should just leave him with everything for a month or so & let him see how easy it is being a SAHM with 4 kids.

You need to show him and I think yourself that you are willing to do whatever it takes. If he won't move, then you WILL. End of story.

I visualize my own place. I feel calm & safe. I wish I could move into the motel I spent 2 days at. It was great, too small for 4 kids though.

Find a way. Find a place. Get a job. Go to your moms. Be creative. I guess I don't understand why you seem to always let him out of making any tough decisions. You need to be decisive and do what you have to do for YOU.

For so many years, I thought he was the "healthy" one. I had him on a pedastal. I thought he knew what was best for the kids & me. I thought I was messed up from my childhood, & I looked to him for the answers. I trusted him to keep me safe, & protect me & love me.

Doc's whole focus for the last 16 months has been to help me grow in assertiveness, & self-esteem, to know that I can stand on my own, like I did before I married H.

It's only through me getting my own counseling, to realize that he doesn't know how to do any of that.