Hey folks! I just thought I'd bring up the title of this thread as a topic.
Whether we are HD or LD, it seems that true intimacy is intimidating....and, aren't they actually from the same word root? And I believe "intimate" means actually to "make known".
(feel free to correct me here if needed, I am going off from fuzzy memory of these word roots)
I have learned so much about *true* intimacy from my fiance that I never knew before...and yet I was screaming to the world "I WANT INTIMACY!!!" And then when the opportunity to have true intimacy was upon me, I would scurry under my emotional blankets and ask "why are YOU here in my world of alone-ness trying to drag me out?"
I also learned that, some people actually use physical intimacy as a way to AVOID true emotional intimacy. That one took a long time to sink in for me, but now I think I finally "get it".
Several people on this forum have talked about this topic recently, but in different forms. Ali has talked about how she has been asking her H to consider physical intimacy as a more spiritual endeavor....yet at the same time she would worry "do I look fat naked under these lights"? (Ali - I know that wasn't word for word, but I hope I communicated the gist of it). So obviously, if you are deep into a spiritual connection, you won't be worried about looking fat...and yet, we still do? So what does that say?
This has been a topic I have had to spend years on my own pysche to understand. I think I've finally passed my own threasholds and I no longer hold back, afraid of intimacy. I want to have communion with my partner...a true connection and communication and intimacy all at once....which - when it occurs - is nothing short of fantastic! But even just those tiny, juicy moments of pure physical intimacy WITHOUT fear, are worth the whole journey I have come thus far.
It took me at least 2 years of my fiance continuously pointing out ways in which I was blocking intimacy from him (mostly emotional intimacy) before I could really move past it. And each time he brought it up, I was unaware of the fact that I was doing this. Finally, when I "got it", it was all so easy....you just have to let go....of your fears, of what you think is "yourself"....of your preconceived notions of what true intimacy is supposed to feel like....of your focus on your body and sensation....of your efforts to control everything....I finally get it now. But I am a totally different person than when I began this journey, and I had no clue how far I would have to travel to get here.
Thoughts? Points? Examples of holding back on intimacy without realizing it?
