Hi Sandy, you have helped quite a bit, along with all the others that took the time to respond to this thread and you are right, I've done alot of growing and I really am enjoying my life. On those days that I'm home alone and don't have the kids, I really don't feel alone, I thought about that the other night when I got home from work and I was actually pretty happy. I did some grocery shopping, made myself some supper, did some laundry, downloaded some new tunes for the mp3 player just before going to the gym @8pm (got home just after 10), seriously my days are busy and if I have to be honest, I appreciate the quiet down time: no one else's needs to take care of except my own, it's a nice time to have to yourself and I don't think people in general value personal time like that as much anymore and they probably should, helps clear your thoughts and allows you some relaxation time.
I can take responsibility for the things I've done wrong because I know I did them and only focusing on that instead of spending the majority of the time focusing on what she has done wrong, frees me up mentally to have a clearer head to think about things in general. I would be lying if I said I don't think about the things she has done to hurt me & treat me badly, they just don't occupy my thoughts 24/7.
Spilling my guts out on this forum helps too, talking about it and being honest. The internet affords us all a bit of anonymity which allows us to feel safe enough to be honest without fear of retribution.
If I detached so much that I would reject her if she did clean up her act and want to reconcile our marriage would be a sad thing but it's not the kind of sadness that would grip me in depression. I was depressed for a period of time but I'm doing really good and I'm enjoying a much better outlook on life that previously.
As for getting married young, I don't know, it's possible, I was 29 at the time, she was 27 - it's not too young I suppose (I'm 37 now), I've heard of younger. We've been together for quite a while, for several years before that so that plays into as well I guess.
I think detaching is important, not just to show the other person that you're moving on and to give them a possible fear of loss but it's healthy for you not to hang on to the other person so much because that would generate alot of disappointment and sadness with the constant rejection and I don't feel any rejection lately. Detaching frees you up to rediscover yourself and make you realize the importance of your individuality.
If she gets involved with someone else, her loss, seriously - I've told her this before and I'm not going to give it anymore thought. I would actually feel bad for the next guy, I doubt she could hide her depression and possible bi-polar for too long and once that is revealed, unless this other person really doesn't care and enjoys the repercussions of those issues, I don't see someone staying around that long to deal with that poor behavior. Once you get older, you've been in a few relationships, the unfortunate side effect is that you tend to be less tolerant of this kind of crap especially when there are so many people out there to choose from (hence the high rate of 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. divorces).
She had asked me during a recent heated argument if I'm going to start dating and I've told her that it isn't her business either way - but unfortunately I didn't leave it at that (yes sometimes we want to let out some frustration as well), I told her that there are alot of woman out there that I'm sure would be happy to be with a guy like me and that I'm a normal person and we all want to be with someone special/loved by someone and if it's not her it will be someone else. That was probably rude of me to say so but like I said, I'm not perfect. Almost sounds like an ultimatum now that I think about it and I hate that it sounded like that.
As for the pursuing, I stopped my subtle pursuing (it felt like a cat & mouse game, again the sex issue was at play here - I think we both feed off of it). I haven't called her or texted her at all, over the weekend she got angry again (one of her moods) and said some very hurtful things and I told her not to call or txt me again until she apologized and seriously it's time to call a spade a spade and let her know that I won't tolerate crap language or behavior from her to me. It's ok to have moments of weakness and to lean on someone but it's not ok to beat up someone because you think you can and I let her know that.
She has been sounding needy lately, I noticed that too, possibly a side effect from the detaching and me not pursuing her like I normally do. If I did wrong let me know but yes when she was sad, teary eyed and reaching out and told me she loved me and asked me i still loved her, I did tell her that I love her, if that was wrong, say so. I was being honest but masculine at the same time, I didn't buckle, I maintained my composure, didn't melt in her arms but she did melt in mine, I held her. Maybe that isn't the way to handle it, maybe I should just go silent and walk out of the room, tell her that because she has hurt me so much, it's hard for me to believe any words that come out of her mouth. I'm seriously overthinking this, I'm sure, I am way too analytical for my own good sometimes.
I do want your list, when you have time to post it, please do, I'd love to read it, this forum has been an invaluable resource for this situation.
