Hi Kev, Yes, we do have some thing in common - though I'm happy that we don't have the abuse/anger as one of those things.
Time can and will change things a lot - and the more you let go of your W, the more she will have the freedom to understand herself - and the more you will have that same freedom for yourself as well. My hope in my situation was that I would detach and find myself determined to do anything (which means detaching) to save my marriage...but, as you saw, when I reached a point of letting go, I recognized a lot of things that made me wonder...and which eventually lead me to conclude that, though I love my W, I cannot be in a healthy relationship with her.
My experience is mine, however, and I don't think it has to be that way...the only thing that I think is common to the success stories here on DB (the genuine/non-rushed or forced success stories) is that the LBS found himself/herself. By letting go of our spouses we can achieve a kind of self-awareness that is just incredible (though the journey there is painful).
Try not to think about your W and M in terms of giving up...think of it more in terms of acceptance. Resistance to our situations does more damage than anything else we can do - but accepting our situation - and making the most of it - finding the opportunity in it - however hard it is to see at times - changes things dramatically.
It took me a long, long time to understand what it meant to let go and be detached...but it sees from your words that you've already got a very good sense of what would be best for you and Wee Man.
BTW - I think you sig is spot on - I was completely lost before I found myself...and then the real work began.
