I know a lot of you think that the one who wants out, should get out.
I don't. That is only something we tell the BS so that they don't get walked on. In your case, I support that you should stay and he should leave. The problem you may have though, is that this type of man almost always wants the opposite of what the woman wants. If you say you want him to leave, then he will argue that he wants you to leave.
My guess is that you should take the approach that he can stay and you WILL go. That it is SOOOOO important to you and you are so serious that you are GLAD to go. I hope you are that serious.
I am concerned about a couple of things you have said.
Quote:
Last night I just asked H, "are you sleeping on the couch, or am I" he said he would.
Why are you ASKING him what he wants? These are still small signs that you are "allowing" him control. So, if he tells you that you are sleeping on the couch, YOU WILL??? These are subtle and small signs of someone that has been so controlled that they even ask them what they want after telling them they want a separation.
I suggest that you become more decisive.. "I AM sleeping on the couch" (leave the word "tonight" out because this should be indefinite now because of your new stance)(I don't think it would be wise to tell an abuser that he IS sleeping on the couch, but at least you come across decisive and not passive by TELLING him what you ARE doing)
If he argues with you and says, "no I will sleep on the couch", then tell him, that's fine. Then drop it.
Quote:
I was up pretty late thinking...... With his new business venture he's been leaving the house around 10 am, I could come over then, be at our house for the whole day when our youngest is on track break/spring break, all those year round school breaks..... and then when every one is in school, I could come over in the afternoon when the kids are getting home, stay with them through dinner, then tuck them in bed at 9 pm, & leave. He normally gets home around 6:30 or 7, so we'll only be together about 2 hours.
smartcookie, The above quote again sounds to me somewhat undecisive and wavering. It certainly isn't anything close to being separated. Take the kids with you and find another place. You can't show him you are serious with the above approach. It still gives him power over you. It is almost as if you have gotten kicked out and have to sneak in when he isn't home. Not good...
You need to show him and I think yourself that you are willing to do whatever it takes. If he won't move, then you WILL. End of story.
Find a way. Find a place. Get a job. Go to your moms. Be creative. I guess I don't understand why you seem to always let him out of making any tough decisions. You need to be decisive and do what you have to do for YOU.
fb2, he would say that he has tried to be a good husband, father, and provider. He would say that he has worked very hard our entire marriage to make me happy. He has provided well for us, so that I could stay home & raise our children. He'd say that I'm a fabulous mom. I think he'd say I had been a great wife, up until 3 years ago.
He would agree that I had asked him for years to go to marriage counseling, & that he said we didn't need it. He would tell you that for most of the marriage, sex was for his pleasure.
He would agree that he worked, & I took care of the kids. That was our unspoken arrangement. He would confirm that I asked him for help around the house & with the kids & that he refused, most of the time, saying he was too tired.
As far as the abuse, I don't know what he would say now. He admitted it once, then said later it wasn't that bad.
He might say that I have a lot of baggage from childhood. That I am never satisfied, & constantly searching for something, & he doesn't know what that is, & he's afraid that it's not him. He told me for years that he thought I hated sex, & that it was because of my abuse. He found out later, & admits now that I am a very sensual woman when treated right.
He thinks I spend too much money on non-necessities, & that I should be better with the budget. I think he should be happy that in this economy & with him out of work for 7 months, & 4 kids, we have zero credit card debt & both of our cars are paid for. He would take credit for that, saying that it was his penny pinching over the years that we have savings. I'd say it was partly that, & partly the way I managed our budget, & partly the fact that we pulled the equity out of our home a month before he lost his job.
He'd say I'm too lenient with the kids, & that I let them get away with too much.
But, in the next breath, he'd say they're great kids, & I've done a wonderful job.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've made a lot of wrong choices. I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to set a better example for our kids.
I can't be okay with some of his choices from the past 3-4 years.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I seriously don't even care about waking him up anymore.
Do you mean that you wake him up for work or something?
no peace said this.......
<<<I think this might wake some people up.
He wakes up all on his own for work. He always has.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I don't. That is only something we tell the BS so that they don't get walked on. In your case, I support that you should stay and he should leave. The problem you may have though, is that this type of man almost always wants the opposite of what the woman wants. If you say you want him to leave, then he will argue that he wants you to leave.
You're right, I normally feel that he takes a competitive approach to our conversations. I feel like I'm talking with the devil's advocate on most things.
Originally Posted By: fucciloafer
My guess is that you should take the approach that he can stay and you WILL go. That it is SOOOOO important to you and you are so serious that you are GLAD to go. I hope you are that serious.
I AM that serious. I am GLAD to go. I just don't want to rip the kids up & away from their friends, & their environment.
Originally Posted By: gucciloafer
Why are you ASKING him what he wants? These are still small signs that you are "allowing" him control. So, if he tells you that you are sleeping on the couch, YOU WILL???
I dont know........[censored] [censored] [censored]...... I suppose because it's gone on for soooooooooooo long.
Originally Posted By: gucciloafer
These are subtle and small signs of someone that has been so controlled that they even ask them what they want after telling them they want a separation.
Now I'm crying because I hear that you get it. I'm also embarrased because this is not me. This is not who I was. I was better than this when I met him. I was stronger than this.
Originally Posted By: gucciloafer
I suggest that you become more decisive.. "I AM sleeping on the couch" (leave the word "tonight" out because this should be indefinite now because of your new stance)(I don't think it would be wise to tell an abuser that he IS sleeping on the couch, but at least you come across decisive and not passive by TELLING him what you ARE doing)
If he argues with you and says, "no I will sleep on the couch", then tell him, that's fine. Then drop it.
Okay. Doc will help today too.
Originally Posted By: gucciloafer
Take the kids with you and find another place. You can't show him you are serious with the above approach. It still gives him power over you. It is almost as if you have gotten kicked out and have to sneak in when he isn't home. Not good...
Yes, that makes sense. It felt that way to me too. Then I thought I should just leave him with everything for a month or so & let him see how easy it is being a SAHM with 4 kids.
Originally Posted By: gucciloafer
You need to show him and I think yourself that you are willing to do whatever it takes. If he won't move, then you WILL. End of story.
I visualize my own place. I feel calm & safe. I wish I could move into the motel I spent 2 days at. It was great, too small for 4 kids though.
Originally Posted By: gucciloafer
Find a way. Find a place. Get a job. Go to your moms. Be creative. I guess I don't understand why you seem to always let him out of making any tough decisions. You need to be decisive and do what you have to do for YOU.
For so many years, I thought he was the "healthy" one. I had him on a pedastal. I thought he knew what was best for the kids & me. I thought I was messed up from my childhood, & I looked to him for the answers. I trusted him to keep me safe, & protect me & love me.
Doc's whole focus for the last 16 months has been to help me grow in assertiveness, & self-esteem, to know that I can stand on my own, like I did before I married H.
It's only through me getting my own counseling, to realize that he doesn't know how to do any of that.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
(((((Bridge)))))) oh sure, make me cry some more. xoxo
I need advice, support & understanding. All of the above.
It touches my heart that you would be so kind as to check craig's list.
I appreciate you so much.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
recently I have been seeing, as I read your posts, an awful lot of the same dynamic that exists in my sitch. It really does not surprise me that I would be able to easily play the role of your H (I think) and you and my darling are nearly interchangeable parts.
