It's good to know that I helped in some small way. It sounds like two people who married young, and like most of us, had a lot of growing to do. It appears that you have done most of the growing. I think it says a lot about you when you take part of the responsibility for the breakdown in the marriage relationship. You also sound so much like my H when we were first M. In fact, he was so sweet and gentle that I was probably not very nice to him and took advantage of his good nature. It is a shame, but that is how most humans are, we tend to walk on the people who allow us to. Through the years, he toughen up and he does not take much off me anymore, but he is still a pretty nice guy.....guess our son gets it from him. \:\)

You really made me laugh when I read your post and that is good that you can keep your sense of humor and not be bitter. That is very sad when a person allows a broken relationship to cause them to be bitter. I don't know many people who enjoy being around a bitter person.....they just aren't much fun, are they?

The detaching......hummmmm, yes, there are several that experience the problem you described when it takes their spouse too long to decide to straighten up and fly right. The way you see it at this point in time would be very sad for you to lose that love for her, but if you were fully detached emotionally from her, it would not bother you other than to look back and think that it was sad that the two of you did not work out your differences. Now, I want you to understand that I am not trying to get you to the point that you want a divorce......I'm just explaining this "detachment" process. I sincerely hope that the two of you can work things out, but I do think it will take a long time for her to be convinced that you are no longer the person you were before. I had to learn that with my H, so she can learn it.....if she wants to. I just hope she doesn't get involved with another man and really mess things up.

If I had to pick one thing out of all the DB techniques that I thought was the most important one, it would be "do not pursue". This means in anyway what-so-ever. I think it is a man's nature to pursue and he does it a lot of times and doesn't realize he is pursuing. For an example, a phone call is pursuing....unless it is about the children or business....however, if you discuss anything else with her, or even hang on the line too long waiting to see if she will talk more....that is pursuing. I have a long list that I often give newcomers. You may have already seen it. I think it has been passed around quite a bit, but if you want it, I'll give it to you.

It sounds like she is the one sounding "needy" when she asks you if you still love here, etc. How do you handle that?

Well, I am home on my lunch break and have to get back to work. Catch you later.

Sandi2

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!