M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Update........ so last night he comes in, & wants to negotiate down a request I had made of him 4 weeks ago. I told him it was non-negotiable. He then tries to back peddle, & says fine, I'll do X if you'll do Y. It's always tit for tat with him.
I said I'm already not doing Y, & haven't been for 14 months. The reason I asked you to do X is because Doc suggested it as a result of you doing X 4 weeks ago.
Things go from bad to worse. He tries to defend, block, divert, & blame. I feel like once again, I am not being heard. Nothing I say matters. He wants to change my perception, my wants, my requests.
I told him I wanted a separation.
He said if that's what I wanted, I could move out.
It's interesting... I've been the SAHM for 15 years, but in order to keep things stable & consistent for the kids, I should move out, & he, the one who works 12 hour days for 14 years, & travels up to 16 weeks a year, is now going to do everything I do.
I know a lot of you think that the one who wants out, should get out. But, I lose respect for a man who asks his wife to leave her home & children, after she requests time & space due to his verbal/emotional abuse, & control issues.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Sounds like a bit of tell you what you want to hear, to get you to shut up, doesn't it.
I'm not seeing that he wants it. That's pretty disappointing to me, I hate to think what it is like for you!
((((((cookie))))))
((((Jeff)))) that's part of the craziness of years of emotional abuse. He says one thing, does another, & then later, denies that he either said it, or says he didn't want to do it, & that he only did it to "keep me happy", or he had no choice because of what I did. In every single argument he circles back around & tries to convince me that I said something else, & then will change what he said..... It's fricked up majorly.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Could you set up something where the kids stay in the home, and you and your husband alternate weeks with them? Provides stability for the kids, and space for both spouses.
thanks, I've thought about that for a while. I just don't think I'd feel safe sharing an alternate living space with him too. Given the past spy techniques, & all that crap. My mom has a spare bedroom, maybe I can stay there for a bit & see what happens.
I'll talk to Doc today & see what he suggests.
Last night I just asked H, "are you sleeping on the couch, or am I" he said he would.
I was up pretty late thinking...... With his new business venture he's been leaving the house around 10 am, I could come over then, be at our house for the whole day when our youngest is on track break/spring break, all those year round school breaks..... and then when every one is in school, I could come over in the afternoon when the kids are getting home, stay with them through dinner, then tuck them in bed at 9 pm, & leave. He normally gets home around 6:30 or 7, so we'll only be together about 2 hours.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Everything you've been thru the past few weeks, I think this might wake some people up.
People tell me in my sitch that sometimes things don't turn around until something drastic occurs, like separation. He'll see you're serious. If you're mom's willing, try it.
I just had another thought........my mom has an RV. Maybe I could park it out front of my house, & I live in the RV when H is around. LOL
I seriously don't even care about waking him up anymore. The way he has conducted himself & acted & spoken to me......... I don't even think we share the same value system.
How can you be married to a person for this long & not see who they really are underneath the nice shirt & cologne ??
He changed careers about 12 years ago. My mom think that it has changed him a lot, the way he thinks. Things that are okay that didn't used to be. It's sad.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
((SC)), I've been extremely busy, but I've glanced at your 'sitch' the last couple of days. You are hurting and I'm sad.
I know you have been the one doing most of the "work". And yes you often mostly need "support" not "advice". And sometimes the "support" we get gives us a high but keeps us moving in the wrong direction. I know you have a lot of faith in "Doc" and all those books you've read, but ... something big seems missing in all of that.
I wonder if H came on here and read and read and read and stated his case what would he say and what would I say? Would we be able to put 2 and 2 together? If someone could nail it down for you something tells me you still will not want it. Maybe I should write that book myself?
