Just got to get this off my chest and I think most of y'all will understand better than most of my friends.
We had a big, for this area, snowstorm today. The ex sent me pictures of our girls playing in the snow on the hill at our old house. The house she now lives in.
Honestly since mid Nov I've had a tough time of it. Why, well first I did tell her in mid Nov exactly how I still felt about her. Ever since then she's been very kind like above but still distant, guarded. She brought me Christmas cookies, a Christmas gift, shared pictures of the dog, the girls. Yet the BF is still there.
If I had to describe her I would call her a kind, considerate, caring and good person. She's never really been ugly towards me, we've not had the typical divorce drama.
So how is it that someone that seems to care turns their back on the person that loves them the most but still shows bits of care? I just don't get it, I really don't. All I can do for now is pray for her, for our girls and pick myself up and keep moving forward with me. But it sure is hard as #$%^ sometimes.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Why, well first I did tell her in mid Nov exactly how I still felt about her
Yet the BF is still there.
So how is it that someone that seems to care turns their back on the person that loves them the most but still shows bits of care? I just don't get it, I really don't. All I can do for now is pray for her, for our girls and pick myself up and keep moving forward with me. But it sure is hard as #$%^ sometimes.
Cat,
I feel ya bro... I think there are a large number of us here that do.
It is hard to comprehend the fact that there are inate and distinct differences between ourselves and our X's & STBX's. Obviously they have different thought processes, morals, inner workings, whatever it is that makes them different. Otherwise they would be hanging out on some web site like this one looking for advice and help... Heck, they might not have done what they did to get us here.
When we apply our take on things to the ways that they are reacting towards us and treating us, it can lead to misconceptions. We try to put ourselves in their shoes in order to psyco-analyze their intentions. That is a mistake that almost always leads to shattered expectations on our end.
It is hard to move forward, but that is what you have to do. Simple as that... If you need help and support in doing that, come talk to us here.
It'll be good man, just get the lay of the land firmly planted in your head and don't allow yourself to forget it. Things DO get better and feelings for the X DO subside. I suppose there might always be something "there" but I suspect it will be the yearning for the romantic vision of "what was" instead of what is "really there". It just takes time.
Like Steve said, many of us know how you feel. my x is the same with the niceness. I sometimes wonder if it isn't them starting to realize that the grass isn't necessarily greener, that we shared some things that will be missed.
And that's probably the case to a certain extent. She feels guilty, misses some stuff, but ultimately has moved on and wants you to do the same. In my case, I think my X thought we could D and "be friends", which would make everything okay. She's now starting to realize it doesn't work that way, that she gave up certain things. Missing those things doesn't mean she wants to come back, but it does mean she keeps tugging my sleeve hoping to recapture a little of what she once turned to me for. I've chosen to respond in a friendly manner, but not as a friend.
Hope that helps - I know it's hard. But women like confident and self-aware men, not men who pander and compromise themselves, or men who need someone else in order to live.
I do wonder sometimes if she has been or thought that maybe the grass wasn't greener. But then again she's never made a concerted effort to come back either. I suspect because she's one who rarely goes back against a previous decision that she'd never do so with this one. To her going back against a previous decision is not an option even when she knows she was wrong. She told me about 2 years ago "I make a decision and that's it and move forward from there." Then again I can't ever recall her really apologizing for anything either. In fact that was an issue I had with her.
Well I've been doing pretty good but I know tomorrow is going to be tough. The 11th would have been our 20th anniversary. I'm going to work as best I can to have a great day tomorrow. The kids are with me this week and we are heading to Disney on Sunday. So lots of positives to look at!!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Cat, I'll be thinking about you today. I know days like today can be rough. Just keep reminding yourself that things will turn and will get oh so much better. Letting go, for me, isn't something that you DO, it is something that you realize you have DONE. And once you have done it, life is sweet!
Thanks and you'll be happy to know I don't need to work on chinning up, I'm having a pretty darn good day today! It might be a bit tougher tonight but so far it's been a really good day. I've been pretty productive at work, the kids were easy going this morning, there's a good cheer in the office AND it's 70 deg and sunny outside right now! (Side note this is the exact same weather we had on our wedding day too. Somewhat unusual this time of year but not unheard of either.) Its one of those days where I can't help but see all the good things and positives.
Surprise, surprise, the ex has emailed me several times today about general family business, girl scouts, the vacation house and schedules. She even sent me a recipe for mocha she got from one of her life organizing sites, FlyLady. Me, I'm just going about my merry way today and today is a merry day!!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Just have to share this with y'all because I got a bit of a chuckle out of it especially since it happened on what would have been our 20th anniversary.
So on my way home last night after I picked up the girls from school, my mobile phone rings. I go to answer it and as I pick it up I see it's the ex. I fumble the phone a bit(mind you I am driving), connect the call then it goes dead. Thinking I hung up accidentally on her, I called her right back.(I'm a nice guy I guess.) She answers immediately then proceeds to tell me it was a miss-dial that she was undocking her iPhone when it happened.
Well I have to tell you I found this "story" pretty amusing because in the, Lord knows how many years, we've had mobile phones neither of us has ever had a "miss dial" to the other. Furthermore to miss dial I would most like need to have been the last call in or out or her phone or the address book set on me. Well, I am pretty certain my mobile # wasn't the last call in or out on her phone and chances are I wasn't the last address book entry she visited either.
Just funny how the first ever "miss dial" to my mobile phone just so happened yesterday. LOL!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Happy used to be anniversary! Funny things happen on days like that.
To me her actions sound like the beginning of spring and a seed is planted. It might be a dandelion, flower, weed.. or just some weird thing that grows green.
It's a start of something (good, bad or indifferent) from her and just a bit of disturbed dirt for you.
