Exposing at EA

[Still Waters]

It's tough EC. Tougher than anything I've ever done. So I have my "I'm done" days too. I really only discovered the full weight of my W's PA/EA last week, so it hasn't really all sunk in yet. Which is why it might actually be a good thing that we're separated right now. Because I'm in no state to see her. I need some time to cool off and wrap my head around what this means for me.

A few weeks, or a month or so, from now I may reach the point where I say I'm done, and actually mean it. But right now I know that if she came back to me and said she wanted to work on our marriage, I would. Despite all the pain, lies, and betrayal, I would give her a chance. And that's because I love her, and I feels strong enough to forgive her (in time).

But that's now. You know those scenes in movies like Star Wars and Indiana Jones when the doors are closing and the hero has to run to slide under them? Well, that's how I feel. I'm the doors, and I'm slowly closing up to taking her back. It's up to my W to decide if she wants to run over here and slide through before they close completely. Right now she's just standing there, not moving an inch in either direction. And I've come to realize that there isn't anything I can do to make her even care that the doors are closing. Oh I could certainly do a heck of a lot to make her go running further away. But there isn't anything I can do to change her mind, other than make what's on the other side of those doors something that no woman in her right mind would give up.

Unfortunately, WAS's aren't in their right minds, so even that might not make her budge.

For all these months since the bomb dropped I thought that the ball was in my court, and it was up to me to fix this. I thought that fighting meant trying to pull my W back to me. But that was the wrong way to look at it. The fight should be to save yourself. Because no one is responsible for your happiness other than you.

Which is why I've let go of the rope. It's still laying there on the ground, and my W has a chance to pick it up with me. But I don't think that I'll pick it up by myself again.