Wait...I thought the whole point was to let the WAS discover for THEMSELVES...
Since I don't post very much, I am not sure I have the right to jump in, but I am going to anyway. I don't think the WAS needs to be "led" out. They have a lot of self discovery to achieve while going through this. You can't do it for them. If you did, it would not be their self discovery, but yours, and that is the whole point. THEY have to realize it.
I have seen people get coddled on this board, and that is not what it is for. We are hear to share, vent, express our feelings. OUR feelings. Not only is this a very difficult time for the MLC'er, but for us too. We have to watch the person we love go through this, and KNOW there is not a dammed thing we can do.
The entire thing is you can play the victim, or be a survivor. I think most of us are just trying to survive. I love my H, and I do what I can for him. But part of loving him so much is also allowing him this time of self discovery for him. I don't want to lose my H, but if he chooses to walk away, that is a decision HE will have to live with.
I have found some of the greatest strength in the group of friends I have discovered on this board...Amy and Jack, Mach, Trapt, Jimbo, Mishka, Michelle LT, Jeffy Poo. If I hadn't been here, I would have folded up and given up a long time ago. The one thing in common we all have is that we do not lie to each other, and we all tell it like it is. I don't offer advice much, because I am not sure I am in a position to offer advice. But I do try to offer hope and faith in a time when we are all just trying to SURVIVE.
I think the thing is that if someone is posting to you on this board, they are trying to give the benefit of experience. I don't know Jack very well, but he is dead ba!!s on with his advice. He has been there, and come out on the other side, and that in itself gives me hope. He knows what to expect. And therefore, I read. I think that if you don't like the advice, you need to not post.
All WAS's are different, and my firm belief is that you need to go with your gut instinct. But coddling the WAS is not the way to go either. I have set boundaries. It has not been easy. It is hard to tell your spouse no when you want to say yes. But if you had a child, would you tell them yes all the time?
It is the same thing.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
But coddling the WAS is not the way to go either. I have set boundaries. It has not been easy. It is hard to tell your spouse no when you want to say yes. But if you had a child, would you tell them yes all the time?
It is the same thing.
Right again.
The best you can hope to be is an example. Of at least self-respect and family values (no matter how late they might have been to show up - and now that you are aware, you represent that awareness). Your spouse may never notice. You shouldn't be "posturing" in the hopes that they will because that is just strategy and it won't keep. You have to dig deep, change yourself and then you stand. If they come back great. If not, well you're still better than you used to be - and on top of that, now you're a survivor.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I want to clarify that during the BS posting that occured last night, I did not come to Jack's defense because I thought he needed it.
Jack is more than capable of defending himself and he might choose to do so or he might not once he is up and around and sees what has been said here about him.
I watched the numbers of readers tick upwards on this thread last night after Frank's first post and that disturbed me because those people were reading what I considered to be borderline malicious, compromised posts that I thought might have even been written under the influence of alcohol and they were about Jack3Beans, a longtime, well-respected and well-rounded contributor to the boards as well as someone I respect, trust and consider to be a friend.
I definitely stand behind everything I wrote last night and I would write it all again but I just want to clarify Jack doesn't need me to defend him. It's just that no one else was around and I wasn't going to watch him be called out for BS like was written about him last night.
