Exposing at EA

[Still Waters]

Melissa,

I reached the point in my stitch where I had to drop the rope and back off completely from my W. Her refusal to promise to not see other men and her refusal to be completely transparent with her OM and to come back and at least try to work on our marriage left me no choice but to detach.

But to do that, I needed to know that her family would be there to support her. Unlike your H, my W has been in total denial about her A and hasn't told a single soul (except for me after I confronted). She didn't tell her friends, family, coworkers, or even her former therapist. She's also an emotional wreck, so much so that I was scared for her mental and physical well-being. The last two times I saw her she broke down sobbing (pulling her hair, shaking, digger her fingers into her arms, that kind of terrible stuff).

So I was worried about her. And as long as I knew that no one was there to support her, I couldn't truly back off. I loved her too much to leave to go through hell alone, so I couldn't back off. Did she leave me to go through hell alone after she dropped the bomb? Sure. But that doesn't mean I want to return the favor.

I knew that her family would still love and support her no matter what. They would have harsh words for her, no doubt. But they wouldn't abandon her. They understand that she is in a dangerous state, filled with so much shame, pain, guilt, and self-hatred, and that what she needed now was help.

That's why I exposed to her family. And today, a day after they confronted her, I feel a lot better, even though I don't know how she responded to them. I feel like I can finally drop the rope and focus on myself. I couldn't do that when I thought that my W was suffering alone, on a slow path to some kind of breakdown. She may still be headed for that, but I believe that her family will keep her safe. They are a good family, and they take care of each other in times of crisis.

So really I ultimately didn't expose to help save my marriage. I exposed to help save my W from herself. And in the process I think I also saved myself from months of the hopeless tug of war with my W, which was only making things worse.