PM Thread #3

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi CIW. We will see what happens. He is still very distant. One of few things could happen. One - He will still be absent from my S' life in which case he has to ask himself why he is this way. Two - he could be absent but miss being with him. Three - he will be around my son all week and feel a deeper connection to him. Four - he will be around my son but will not enjoy himself which means he has a problem with parenthood. I am hoping for option three.

I don't know anymore. Today, I am thinking that he is acting 'his true self' and therefore this situation is hopeless. I sway back and forth, not knowing if this sitch is salvageable. I can save myself but cannot save my H, therefore cannot save M.

I need to detach more.

[Can it work]

I think you're probably right that you have to detach a little more PM. I know for myself that I'm just wasting energy on wondering what my W is thinking or why she is acting in a particular way (if I'm honest though, I still do it - it's hard not to!). I need to follow my own advice and detach some more too. There's still far too many emotions which rear their ugly head every time I even see my W. Somehow, I have to get away from that. I think you do too. I hope you can still find something to laugh about. I watched an incredibly juvenile, immature, predictable comedy movie last night. I don't think I've laughed so much in weeks!

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks Kev. A funny movie is just what I need. Thanks for the suggestion. I posted on your thread. I hope I was able to help a little. You're doing great.

[hope3343]

Hi PM, detach detach detach.
I have been in No contact with H for about 3 weeks now. It is hard but it has made me more peaceful. Does that make sense.

I do find that I still think about what they are doing, where they are going and at night I find it difficult BUT not dealing and talking to him it is easier on my soul.

I do have to e-mail him this week about some financial stuff and I am sure I did a 180 with him by receiving the D papers yesterday and not calling him. I wanted to but will not do that "more of the same behavior". I know it must be driving him crazy.

You are second guessing yourself all the time with your H. That is normal. I feel like you -- one day I know I will hold on; the next I am questioning myself. I made a goal - my bomb day is 7/08, even with D happening I plan on holding on till end of year and evaluate then. Then at least I could hold myself to that goal.

Good funny movie -- New in town with Renee Zwielger and Harry Conick. This woman that played Blanche stole the whole movie. Very lighthearted and I was LOL. In movies now.

[davidswife]

(((PM))),

I echo - detach, detach, detach. I've been where you are, and it's a sickening feeling.

When do you leave for your trip? Maybe it's time for you to stop spending weekend time w/him. Why can't he take the children for the day by himself? Why do you feel you have to be around?

I'm thinking about you and praying hard for you and your children. Also, you're doing a great job helping Kev - I've been piping up with him every so often.

Have a great day - kiss those kids!

dw

[healthydad]

Hi PM,
So I found your thread and tried to get caught up on where you were and where you find yourself now - and it seems like you're doing fine...it might not feel like it - hell, how could it, but you are doing fine - since I can hear the strength and the right kinds of questions coming through your words.

My wife (whom I just refer to as B - not for any couched insult - just based on a nickname I had for her) moved out of our home in November...just in time for the holidays...and it was the most painful experience of my entire life - but also turned out to be very necessary. It's only been in the months since she moved out that I've come to understand a lot more about myself - and about why our marriage hit such a crisis point.

One of the big, and I mean BIG problems I had was in learning to detach - and I think it was partly because I learned the lingo here so quickly - that I just started to echo it effectively enough to convince people that I had detached...even when I hadn't....and that's part of the reason that I now say (and repeat a lot) that detachment may not be an act/action so much as a point that we reach...I read above that you want to detach more...and that's the right idea...but I truly believe that the only way to achieve detachment - and for it to be healthy - is to GAL and find a way to feel and then sustain a PMA.

Of course, it may not be that way for everyone...but when I read the threads it seems to follow often enough that people who find themselves, get healthier and then detach - often end up with the healthiest outlook on their R/M...sometimes it means reconciliation makes sense and they rediscover the resolve to work toward it...other times, as was the case for me, the detachment yields enough space and peace to see things that were surprising...particularly as one find a new level of honesty with oneself through detachment...and for me, it was painful...very painful...like mourning a death...but it healed a lot of issues I had been struggling with - and which I had been afraid to face...Fear...that's something that I see differently now - never as an obstacle, always as a signpost to me of something that I need to address - face, tackle, process and overcome.

You are remarkably strong.

Carlos.

[Tawnya]

{{{PM}}} that is so exciting about your trip and I am SURE it will make you and your family feel amazingly great When is it??

I agree with everyone about that it is HARD to detach, but so necessary and I like your philosophy about that you CAN save yourself, but not your hub..so is your marriage salvagable?? It impossible to say because we can't say what your hub will do can we?? So MAYBE the best thing to think about is not whether your M can be saved, but the fact that you CAN be and the fact that what happens when it happens..look at how much you've gone thru, how strong you are..you can handle whatever comes your way and be better, stronger, and still such a caring person thru it..THAT is something to be proud of!!

Hugs to you

Tawnya

[Can it work]

Hiya PM. How are you doing today? Just thought I'd come in and check that you're ok. I hope that whatever you're doing, it's making you smile.

(((Hugz)))

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi everyone, I haven't checked in for the last few days because I went to surprise my dad. And you guys surprised me by posting so many supportive messages to me,what a nice return surprise!

I am still at my dad's. He and Mom were so happy and surprised to see me and D. it was a hoot! We laughed all night and had a feast for his birthday! Staying for a while to be with him. Dad hasn't mentioned H at all, I know he is heart-broken that my M is so messed up. He thinks of H as his son so I know my dad is hurting inside. They never telephoned each other but whenever they got together they would have a few drinks and my dad would talk about his good old days and my H would listen. This happened maybe once a year but it was special for my dad. I really appreciated H for listening to him and sharing his memories. Me, just as a comparison, not as a boast. My H would call his Mom every week and we would conference call, the three of us, and talk together. Every week, for more than an hour. So I was a good daughter-in-law as well. Now everything is shattered and I feel bad for my dad because I know he still loves my H but can't believe what he has done. My dad want to fix us (because he is male and head of the family) and to do that he starts by pointing out ways that I could improve. It got to a point where it was driving me crazy. I don't want my R with my dad to deteriorate as well so now I don't talk about my M to him anymore.

So now I act 'as if' here at my dad's house as well. I want to bring joy to my parents but I can't talk about my M anymore, it just gets me down.

H e-mailed me today to say that S is doing well at home. I didn't reply.

[Can it work]

Hey PM. Glad to hear you're having a good time at your parents. I love family feasts! There's always way too much food and you feel so guilty afterwards but it's still worth it.

I miss the socialising with my IL's too as you know. It's been very quiet from them recently but I'm hoping that's just because my W is staying with them. When she moves in to her own place next month hopefully they'll be able to come and visit every now and then. I really do miss them. I don't think my parents would welcome my W back right now though. Unlike your Dad, the only thing they want to fix is me. And when I say fix, I mean fix me up with another woman! I've got a good enough relationship with my parents though that it won't hurt them if I just tell them to back off and let me do things my way. Well, really it's just my mother because my dad's still travelling. She respects my decisions though and will support me if I do manage to reconcile with my W.

Good work on not replying to your H's e-mail. Have you managed to speak to your S since you left for your parents? As long as you can contact him direct, there's no need for you to speak to your H or reply to his e-mails. It sounds as though he's looking for a pat on the head and a congratulations just for doing exactly what a father is supposed to do. Until recently I was actually quite bad for that myself. I would text my W when I had Wee Man to let her know he was getting on fine. I think I was using it as a way to show her that I'm a good dad. Now though, I know I'm a good dad and if she wants to know how he's getting on in my time with him, she'll have to make an effort to find out. I'm not going to continue to make it easy for her by giving her everything she needs.

Sorry, I started venting a bit there. Can't be hijacking your thread. I am glad to see you back on the boards. I hope you continue to enjoy your time with you parents.

Kev