I was walking out the door to go pick up some groceries and she said that we needed to talk. So I agreed and she said that she didn't know what was going on with me doing all these things around the house and she didn't want me to think that it could fix anything. I said that I was doing what I was doing because it needed to be done. I didn't think that it was going to fix anything.
Then she asked how we should divide things up. I asked her if she met with the lawyer and she said no, that she told me that she would tell me first. I asked if she was going to see the lawyer tomorrow and she said she was waiting for a call back to see. I said okay, but when she speaks to the lawyer we can talk about it then. She asked me if I was going to stay at the house after the divorce and I told her no, that I didn't think I could do that. She asked if I was going to move out right away or wait until it was finalized. I told her that I wasn't sure, but I wasn't going to make any decisions until I had a lawyer. She told me everything that she had spoken to the lawyer about and though it seemed fair I told her that I wasn't a lawyer and I would need to have an attorney look into anything like that. I told her that I didn't think that she would try to screw me, but I didn't trust the legal system as a whole and I would need to make sure that my rights and interests were completely protected, especially in regards to the kids. She said that was fine. Then she stood there a second and finally asked "Is there anything else you want to ask me?" and I mustered up everything I could and said "No, I think until we talk to lawyers there really isn't a whole lot we can do in that respect."
After that I went to the grocery store. I then went to my mom's and allowed myself to get all upset. I composed myself and came home. I think she's asleep now, but I'm not sure.
She seemed a little taken back by how laid back and accepting I was with what she had to say. I really think she was expecting me to break down and either get angry and start being an idiot, or get all weepy and sad. Inside I was all of the above, but outside I was cool and collected. I didn't get nervous and start to fumble around for words, I didn't suggest the separation, and I didn't beg her to give it another try.
I did lay the ground work for the legal separation by talking about my concerns with the legal system and wanting to make sure everything was on the up and up for the long term. Anything we sign now will affect us for the next 13 years at least, and I want to be sure that what seems okay for now isn't going to come back and haunt us five years down the road.
Believe me when I tell you, that was the hardest conversation I ever had in my life. Not because of what was being said, but my need to suck it up and not let out the overwhelming emotions that were building up inside. I lucked out that I was on my way out the door anyway, so I didn't feel trapped with no escape or appear to be fleeing.
I really got the feeling that on some level she was almost trying to use me to verify her decision. Not that I would agree with it, but by flipping out in some way to help her feel that it truly is the best course of action. I think I might have jarred her a bit by not reacting how she expected. I don't think its enough to stop her from meeting with the attorney, but I do think it was enough to derail her thoughts a bit.
I didn't bring up the separation because I figured that might come across as a sort of plea to stop the divorce and I can't afford to do that right now. I think that what I will do is wait for her to file before I bring that up. In the meantime, I'm going to get in touch with an attorney myself tomorrow and get some general info on what I need to be doing.
Kassie-thanks for your support so far. It's really good to get an unbiased perspective.
Also, I agree completely with you in regards to the "in love" stuff. I got the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech about three years back. Even then, before I ever even heard of the DB books, I said that was just an odd thing to say. I think that people fall in and out of love throughout their relationship, and if she thinks that she will never fall "out of love" with someone else, she's in for a pretty miserable ride. That doesn't mean that those words are meaningless or that they shouldn't be taken seriously, but I don't think most people understand them when they say them or when they hear them. I didn't for a long time, and look where I'm at now.
When she said that she was saying that something crucial was lacking on her end and that she had a hard time seeing me in the role of husband. I, of course, just took it to mean that she didn't have romantic feelings towards me (which is part of it, but not the core issue).
I also agree with you as far as us living in a society that says it's okay to disregard your responsibilities and just jump after the next thing. I believe that divorce is too easy. You can even download forms off the internet. I'm not kidding. It's one thing to turn your back on your wedding vows, but when children are involved, I feel that when you have children you make a decision to start a family and it is your duty to fulfill the obligations of that decision. However, she has said in the past that this is better for the kids because they deserve a mother who is not miserable and bitter. The funny thing is, I couldn't agree more. But I really don't think choosing to divorce is proper choice in that instance. The proper choice is to not be bitter and miserable. I know it is easier said than done. However, I believe that a stable family offers a safe and secure place for childhood and it is very difficult (though not impossible) for a blended or single-parent family to offer the same full experience. I have told her that in the past, but I have stopped because A)It seems like whining and B)I don't want to seem like I am using the kids to martyr my point.
