Thank you sweetie. I know you've had a long rough road.
I could be wrong (it's happened before, & will happen again). lol
I believe I found myself sometime in the last few months & I think I realize finally that I am happy by myself, & with my kids, but not with him.
It may even be that there's nothing wrong with him, according to someone else's measuring stick. I'm sure his next wife will think he's fabulous.
For me...... I want to be happy. If I'm happy & content when he's not around, that's kind of telling right there.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
One paragraph was specifically about spying on me, following me in his car, using technology to read my e-mails, putting a voice recorder in my car, bedroom, etc....... he signed the contract, so did I.
He broke that part of the contract about 5 times. If I went through the contract, I'm sure he's broken several other parts too.
Maybe if I would have blown it up super-size, & wallpapered our bedroom with it.
<<<I think you need to find a different way of talking to him.
How about I pack his bags, & change the locks ?
Or, how about I have Match up on the computer when he walks in ??
If I sound flip, I'm just so tired & done with it all.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
NewMe, I dropped a bomb.....20 months ago. Now he needs another one ? & then what, a bomb in another 2 years ?
I don't think so.
Sorry Cookie,
I joined your threads late last year and didn't realize you dropped the bomb 20 months ago. You're right - you shouldn't have to drop another one. You're one of the hardest working AWAWs out there. Your husband is lucky you've been sticking it out - wished my W was. There comes a time - like now for me - that I'm accepting the sitch, not trying to change the spouse, or control the sitch. Time to move on for me. The D is scary - more for the kids, but so is the prospect of any of us turning our M around with our spouses aren't getting with the program - and spending a couple of more years of our lives in limbo.
From what I've read here and from what I have caught in earlier threads, it seems to me that your H is just not taking the sitch seriously. I have to agree with what Gucci was saying: sometimes the separation is needed, maybe that is what your H needs to take your problems with him seriously. It seems like he's doing just a few things, but not all the things you need to see from him. Just enough to keep you going. And that's not what is needed to save this R. You need his FULL commitment! And you are not getting that from him.
You truly have been a completely committed person to your M over the past years and you have shown extreme perseverence. You deserve his commitment and you can demand it!
Maybe separation would be best. It would force him to wake up. Just get some security around your place. But separation can always change a R. If you can afford it, give it a try. See how it goes. I don't recommend D at all. But I do see situations where I would clearly recommend separation if it is used for the right reasons.
I wish my W would look at it as an option. These H's are so dumb to not realize that they have a W that will work on things with them. What is wrong with them. I would kiss the ground my W walks on if she would just work with me.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Sorry I haven't posted lately. Been very busy.......
I think gucci loafer has some very wise words written above....
I am pro-marriage. I think too many couples give up too soon. I have been following your sitch since you joined.
I believe the last year has been the best thing that has happened to me. It was hell to go through, but the growth and understand I gained by doing the work and feeling the pain have rewired my brain.
I am a firm believer that a "Vacation" from the R is healthy. How does a 1 year separation sound? You do not have to tell H, the duration, but let him know you need space.....
Just my 2 cents... HUGS and PRAYERS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
"I'm just curious. I must be the slowest woman on the planet."
You could be seen as the fastest woman on the planet.
Depends on how you look at it.
"I've asked my H every possible way I can think of for the past 12 months to go to IC for his emotional/verbal abuse, control, emotional disconnect issues."
This is a goal for you. Not him. Seems like he has done some C.. Now.. I do forget.. and could be wrong.
Picking a C.. for a DAM.. is really hard. I needed a mentor.. not a C. I also needed a reason.. to find a mentor.
"I told him tonight, I feel like we're separated but living in the same house. He said he feels married, but not."
Seems to me.. you both have the timing right.
You know.. I have watched this from afar.. SC .. you are a great person.. and I don't want to take away from what you are. But you are hardheaded.
"I can't move forward when I'm the verbal/emotional abuse police in the M."
What makes you think that you will not be the "Police".. in the next R? What if he feels like he is the "Police" of the toilet seat being up?
The conflict.. is not about what you think it is.
"I told him that I didn't know if we could heal while together."
I will cut you some slack here.. things can get better.. separated. But.. are you ready for separate?
You have not left yet.. that I recall. Is leaving going to move you forward.. or backwards?
Are you leaving.. or "kicking" him out?
"I've been going to IC for 2 1/2 years to build my self-esteem so that I don't become a doormat/abuse victim ever again."
Is.. your self esteem.. any better now.. than it was.. 1 year ago?
What do you think of yourself?
Who are you.. and more importantly.. who do you want to be?
"I told him that I've asked him for 12 months to go to IC, & his answer by his actions has been "it sucks to be SC".
SC.. how is your chart going? Do you have that graph for me? Yes.. there was some sarcasm in me asking you to do that. But your actions said something way different. What happened.. to the times.. when you were saying.. things are good? Those.. I remember. I did not forget.
"He asked "what if I go back to (former counselor) & she says I am healthy or only need to go once a month.?"
So.. what happens?
"go to IC or I'm filing for divorce" what would you say ??"
It depends on my "walk". Me.. I would likely go. If I spent.. 3 months.. in JC.. and things went to "crap". Maybe not.
It is a "loaded question".. full of expectations.
"Is this about counseling for him, or is this about control ??"
Always has been.. about control.
What do you want to control?
If your answer is "My Life"... you need to come up with something better. Last I checked.. he was still a part of "My Life".
You always have to think.. outside the box.
Are you?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
NewMe, sorry, I sounded a bit pissed. I wasn't at you.
No apologies needed, it's soooooo hard to keep track of everybodies sitch.
Are you in the alt univ ??
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
It seems like he's doing just a few things, but not all the things you need to see from him. Just enough to keep you going. And that's not what is needed to save this R. You need his FULL commitment! And you are not getting that from him.
Sam, you hit the nail on the head.
Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I wish my W would look at it as an option. These H's are so dumb to not realize that they have a W that will work on things with them. What is wrong with them. I would kiss the ground my W walks on if she would just work with me.
Kevin
Kevin, honestly, I'm so tired of forcing him to do anything in this R. He's either going to want to or not.
It's really ironic too......I do remember him telling me he'd spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I wonder where that guy went ?
He also admitted & apologized for the years of abuse. Then months ago, said he didn't think it was as bad as I made it sound.
Talk about bait & switch.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
