I know I will be fine. I am feeling better than I have in such a very long time. I am just trying too hard. I need to let go some more and relax. He loves me and he is trying. He is being open even , he is slowly becoming the Man I fell in love with. I think that is threatening too. I am so used to fighting for every ounce of love and the old him. I dunno what to do with myself?
I will still keep posting here and bouncing my ideas around. Thanks Lucky~
I feel very much at peace. I am so pleased with myself and my H too~ I am also going to stop trying to figure out the future. I am enjoying my newfound peace. I am excited to read and read some more.
I read this yesterday in Loving what it is~ Byron Katie. "I DONT LET GO OF MY CONCEPTS, I MEET THEM WITH UNDERSTANDING , THEN THEY LET GO OF ME~"
and MY FAVORITE? "Nothing outside you can ever give you what you are looking for."
I know that our R is going to be better than ever if we continue like this. I know now that I am doing my abosolute best for me and he is loving it. I also know that he is giving from his heart. He is genuinely meeting me half way.
I have not felt this content and full of JOY in a very long time.
Miracles can happen. I was just looking in all the wrong places. *{ like the Kenny Rodgers song **sigh *** }}}
I AM NOT GOD , and cannot predict the future but I see it is going to beautiful.
I "told" him yesterday " I do not want to have long drawn our R or Sl talsk anymore. I am confident when we see eachother it will be different. I just know it in my heart. ** That was enough for him. He did not disagree. WE started talking about something else immediately.
***Note to self *
ask for what you want//// state what you want.!!!!!!!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!~~~~~~~! * he isn't a mind reader.
I woke up this morning and I realized I was trying so hard not to need him. I know his behavior messed with my brain. I know I was trying so hard to be self sufficient and not allow myself to feel. I was numb in all my pain. I also know that he failed me. He hurt me, he no longer showed his DESIRE for me either. All that came thru is resentment and anger. I felt no love. Yes he loves me but I cant see it or feel it. Do I stay where I am ? Do I stand still? Or do *I* take the risk and walk across the bridge? I have been holding onto my pain for so long I could not see anything else.
He has also been holding on so long to his anger I could only feel that. He held onto it for dear life and I never bumped into his “Passion” or “ desire “ for me.
I looked for the secrets to him everywhere? Why wasn’t I enough for him?
Why wasn’t I enough for me? I needed him to feel me. Wrong. I needed me to feel me. I have been checked out for so long. I was even talking to him @ it this am and I started crying out of the blue. I needed so much for him to tell me I was worthy / I was so hungry for his approval,,, It was always here I just did not know how to “find” it.
I have been missing his desire for me. Not with his touch , with his eyes. I needed it from his energy. He admits he hides it but it is more than that. He emits no energy of I “need” her either. I desire her . I explained to him it is more than just my sex. It is a feeling he emits when he surrenders to himself and what he feels for me. I reminded him when we met. Even if he wasn’t looking at me nor I at him if we were in the same room that energy was there. I couldn’t get away from it. Not lust or infatuation an energy of want. I couldn’t find a better word than desire but it is more than that.
I have to work without it til he finds it again ? But it does allow me to be more free sexually.
He asked me weeks ago what he could do to help me with my sexuality. It took me weeks to be still in myself to find the answer.
I miss that “energy”.
I do also know now that I put my sexuality and who I am on the back burner. I focused on the house the kids and other things that make me a spectacular wife. Oh yeah and I am a phenomenal cook. I also would not allow myself to fully feel or sex a Man who I did not fully trust with my soul. My sex. I am going to put "it" { finding myself, staying in the now, enjoying my sexuality and a whole lot of other "stuff" } first, put myself first. Put passion back into what I feel. I can get to know him better thru our SL. It has helped me to grow more by seeing what I am missing.
My body is a shrine , my body is a temple and to say or feel that before? Meant I was being selfish or arrogant. Not God like. When in all actuality that is what God gave me life for to honor it and love it. I have hated myelf so much I allowed so much pain in my life. I allowed myself to be treated in a way that agreed with my “secret” feelings for myself. I know I have said it so much and it sounds cliché but I do have to fall in love with myself if I am to be happy.
I had no energy to love myself when I was too worried about my H~ *sigh*
I am seeing that the less I worry the more I receive. Something like that.
I read the book ~Passionista ~ this weekend and
*I* LOVE it~
I am going to have to buy it. Any thoughts on Kama Sutra Books or Tantric Sex books? anybody know of any good ones?
I am also interested in the whole "White Tigress" thing mentioned in Passionista.
I know for me personanally if I look at sex spiritually it will help me so much more. Than put part "a" in in section "b".
I see how *I* was doing far too much loving and not enough translating that love into passion. I can also see how I am somewhat scared of my sexuality. When I got going yesteday thinking about H~? I could not sleep.
I am a sexual diva after all. I have alot of sexual energy I have been hiding...
Love you all, Take care and God Bless, xoxoxoxo, Ali
I am so happy to report that my H had a day off,,, he is still working out of town,,, and he played Soccer for hours today.
No big deal right?
This is huge for him... he is growing as a person. Not wasting his time but living.
I am so excited for him. he even told me yesterday when we he comes home? We will go workout together!~! I have been asking him to do this for years and he always had an excuse.
I also have been realizing that I wanted him to see sex as more spiritual and I groaned about it.
????
I am doing this just now, and I was trying to tell him to do it. I put the beauty in sex.... I am the beauty of our sex life. and so is he. I have been just as guilty as he is of not fully seeing this. I was frozen with anxiety and fear. Worried about mechanics and what I looked like with or w/o the lights on ....on and on and on ....
I can honestly say that I am going to see it as a way for us to connect w/o words. I am going to have him all to myself. And he will have "fun" by default. There could be no better arrangement. I am going to stop stressing about it so much and I know and have confidence that I can knock his socks off ... if I am just natural and let myself give to him w/o worry.
I will let you all know how it plays out. I have very high hopes.... I feel content and assured that I am not going to try so hard,,, I mess it up for myself in the end.
Take care all,,, Ali
It took me forever it seems to get here. But better late than never. * deep sigh of relief*
This sounds wonderful! He is doing good things for himself and for the relationship. And you are taking a healthy breather from the magnifying glass over sex. HAVE FUN!!!
This sounds wonderful! He is doing good things for himself and for the relationship. And you are taking a healthy breather from the magnifying glass over sex. HAVE FUN!!!
Love, Lucky
Thanks Lucky~ I am having fun as a matter of fact. Yes, yesterday was a day off for me as well. He called me around 9pm. {{this was a nice break for me and him*} He apoplogized for not calling sooner. ? I told him .... You dont have to apologize. I was actually feeling good. I was happy you were doing something fun for you.
He then says in the sexiest sweetest voice possible? I LOVE YOU ALI~ OMG~ I just melted. I replied ...
I love you too baby. I love you more....
And that was it. No SL talk , no R talk,
Awesome, just really awesome.
I am now reading again. Loving what is. Byron Katie
Also I am reading @ Tao ching. A book by Wayne Deyer. I am enjoying how much I am open to receiving right now. I also read Passionista Ian Kerner. It is about what men like in bed.... a book for Women. I loved it. Lots of great advice in there. Most of it I have done so it reinforced for me that I am not a fuddy duddy.
I can remember even going to pick hubby up at our local airport .... in a beautiful dress w/o panties on. He l-o-v-e-d it.
I see how *I* put myself in a box and then when he said *YOU* are the problem in our SL not *me*. I shut the lid and only peeked out when I could. I agreed with him... he was part of the problem h-e-l-l-o. But , I see now that I do have the power to change our SL , our R all by myself.
I am feeling the energy of being a sexual being... I am feeling myself. There is still a very tiny voice in me that says ... be careful ,, what if you flop? I just smile and change the thought around.
I can remember even going to pick hubby up at our local airport .... in a beautiful dress w/o panties on. He l-o-v-e-d it.
Hmmm...this seems to be some sort of a trend with you and losing those panties
-IC
I know IC~ I actually don't like wearing them very much to be honest!~!~!
And BTW~? Where is my darn chicken recipe. I have a grill , you know it is so unseasonably warm over here a whole 49 degrees yesterday. I was about ready to start tanning. LMAO~
Love ya IC~ I will work on wearing panties more. Promise.
