Even though it seems like I've been at this for quite some time, I've only recently been actively db'ing correctly.
I made all the typical mistakes at first: professed my undying love, told her I would change, told her I would do anything to fix this, etc. etc. Basically confirmed to her how much low self-esteem I had and how little self-respect I had that I would plead & beg and in doing so pretty much validated that it was the right thing for her to do: how can your wife trust & want to be with someone who would show such weak character & strength?
Well alot has changed since then and that's probably what got her starting to show some attraction for me again. Seriously it's not alot and we are nowhere near reconciled and I can't foretell the future to say that it's a done deal and we will get back together.
But I honestly feel better about the person I am now vs. the person I was back then.
- I don't grovel, beg or plead - if she starts a fight and tries to bring me down or insult me, I pretty much either hang up the phone (if we're on the phone when this happens) and tell her that I won't argue endlessly over the phone and I also tell her that I'm not going to tolerate that kind of behavior anymore - I used to stand by and let her say things or reveal things to me that made me terribly uncomfortable inside. An example of this is when she goes out with her female friends (the "divorced wives club" who make divorce a fun & fashionable thing) to the clubs and she then talks about all the hot guys they saw and the attention they rec'd from these other men, talking to them, having drinks with them, etc. I used to feel like a big wimp and I would just suffer so much inside when I heard this stuff come out of her mouth.
That was the turning point in this situation and I'll give you some more details in my situation.
- I moved out in January 2008 because she told me to. She told me in November 2007 that it was over and my begging & pleading to reconsider and go for marriage counselling fell on deaf ears. She wasn't a nice person to begin with but she turned into someone evil, the rejection I felt was incredible: I heard all of the regular stuff: I don't love you, maybe I never did love you, I married you because my parents pushed me in your direction, I love you but I'm not in love with you, I will have love for you because we have such a long history, etc. etc. All of the stuff that pretty much rips your heart in two (well it did for me). Like I mentioned, I moved out, with my tail between my legs, we had just purchased that home 4 months earlier and I had spent those 4 months personally renovating that home from the dump that it was to something very comfortable to live in and a month after moving in, we were separated and I was out a couple of months later. I got an apartment nearby and I continued to pay the mortgage, utility bills, property taxes, etc. on that home while living nearby and paying my apart.rent. It was tough on me mentally, emotionally, financially, you named it, every way you can think of. I spent 6+ months in counselling (personal counselling and counselling for individuals who are going through separation/divorce). During that time I had the love of a few great friends, my children and my work to keep me going. Started going to the gym, lost @ 30-40 pounds went from a size 38 waist back to a size 32 waist, gained a fair amount of muscle on my frame (I worked out regularly when I was younger @ 18-20, my body remembered all of this stuff @ 36-37 years of age and I obviously had alot more free time to work out now). I visited the kids based on her schedule and would take them to stay with me on the occasional weekend when she wanted to go out or have friends over for parties (that's another thing that killed me, parties happening at the home that I paid for and renovated that I wasn't allowed to attend or enjoy). For six months this went on and she never let up on me, she was always angry & moody around me, used foul language, even told me she hated me, told me she would never be with me again and told me to give up my attempts. She worked part-time during all of this, paid for very little (basically her own expenses and nothing else). In May she took the kids to visit her brother & parents in another city for 2 weeks, I offered to help bring her to the airport so that I could say goodbye to the kids: that morning when I arrived to pick them up, she was extremely foul with me and swore at me for some dumb reason. I was torn up because I wouldn't see my kids for 2 weeks and she was still being rotten to me and something finally clicked in me: I am wasting my life on this person, she is always going to be mean to me, I had low self-esteem all of my life based on some childhood abuse issues (which I only told her about a few years earlier) and she knew about my self-esteem and my personal issues and yet she would continue to hurt me and I just couldn't take it anymore. I drove her to the airport, said goodbye to my kids (the kind of hugs & kisses you never want to let go of), wished her a good time and a safe flight and when I returned later on to my lonely apartment, the realization dawned on me that I shouldn't be living there - I should be living at home, my home, the home I built for my family, my children and for me. I packed my stuff and moved back while she & the kids were out of town and no I never told her or asked for her permission, I have alot of value, respect & self esteem, I don't need her permission. When she got back, she flipped (literally) and was angrier than I had ever experienced (and trust me, there have been experiences). I told her that I was back for good and that I wanted her to leave and this totally turned her world upside down.
That's when I learned that having love for yourself, self-esteem, self-value, self-respect are not only important qualities to have for yourself - they are attractive qualities for your spouse/girlfriend to witness on a regular basis.
It's not attractive or magnetic to allow your spouse to walk all over you.
There is so much more to write here, I hope I'm able to submit this long winded post, LOL!
