\My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

[AFWAW]

Well, I went to the base today to do some more inprocessing and she asked if I would bring her boots to her. She said where do you want to meet? I said how about the BX. She said fine, just let me know when you get there.

So my question is: Why doesn't she want me to know where she is at? Is it because she thinks I'm going to try and come over and talk to her or is it because someone else is there with her?

I don't think she is being totally honest about something. In the military, if you get caught committing adultry, you can get in trouble. Something just doesn't add up--working out, hair color, new clothes, lost weight, seems happy and confident, email account w/ her maiden name. On top of that, she wants no contact w/ me, doesn't want to talk about the relationship since the first night. If she is having an affair, I would forgive her of course but I don't know if she is just yet--I'm trying not to be naive but it's damn confusing as to what the real reason is.

Hopefully, the MC can get to the root of the problem but then again, she could lie to the MC as well.

I did dress nice last night for our family night out and wear cologne. She noticed and made comments. She also said again today that I looked good and skinny. She said you look better--I said, yeah I guess. She said I knew you'd be fine, smiled and walked off. Wanted to grab her, hold her down and make her tell me what the hell she was thinking leaving me and her daughter but of course did not.

Talked w/ an old friend from my last unit about it. He was shocked of course. Told me that 5 months ago the wife was talking about how great things were, how great I was, etc. Anyway, my friend told me we would hang out. So, I rekindled a friendship since I've been back. Wish I could rekindle my marraige that easily.

I have no idea what to expect at marraige counseling. I'm gonna try to keep my mouth shut unless asked something by the MC. I have not said one unkind word to my wife since this has happened. Sometimes, I feel almost like she wants me to argue with her though. Well, I'm going to try and eat something, then go to MC. Wish me luck.

John

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well, I went to the base today to do some more inprocessing and she asked if I would bring her boots to her.

"Sorry, wish I could but I'm busy. Gotta run!"

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't think she is being totally honest about something.

Gee, ya think????

[MrBond]

If she chooses to be dishonest, that's her choice. My W was the same way.

Set your boundaries by saying that if A is something you will not tolerate because you respect her and yourself to much and that you want to have things open between you two.

Whether or not she's seeing someone it'll be her choice to deny or admit to it. It's hard to realize, but we really can't force our S to tell us anything they don't want to. In fact, they'll even recreate history so that you sound like the bad guy.

The only thing you can do is be the better choice. Be the better man. You can't guilt her into staying with you.

[AFWAW]

Well, the first MC session was not what I expected. The MC counselor knew I wanted to save my marraige and asked my wife if she did too. She said no, if he would grant me a divorce right now I would do it. The MC said why. Turns out the wife has enjoyed life without me since I've been gone. She has come and gone as she pleases, ate, slept, watched tv, gone out w/ friends, done basically everything she wants to do and no one has said anything bad to her about it. She likes the way that is and doesn't want to be in a rut w/ me anymore.

She told the counselor that she is unwilling to forgive past things I've said and done to make her feel like she isn't who she is know. She said that she has threatened to leave and the past and I took it seriously for a bit and then we returned to old ways. She felt like she has been the man in the relationship where she makes a lot of decisions about things that I won't. She pointed out numerous times where she had been affectionate and I had not returned the favor or even acted appreciative and she was right.

I feel like a very horrible person right now. I guess I've got a lot to work on.

I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt or make her feel like she can't do what she want to do. If only I had been strong enough to make the decision to go to counseling a few years ago, then perhaps this would not be happening now. I know--you can't live in the past but I guess I'm still in the early stages of feeling this.

My wife has done things in the past that I didn't like but this isn't about her, it's about me whatever happens, I need to be ok and if she doesn't want to be with me, I can't make her.

The counselor suggested I come to the next session by myself and that the following week, my wife and I come together. My wife agreed to this.

On the way out in the parking lot, my wife asked me if I was going to be ok. I said I guess I'm going to have to be. I told her I was sorry for everything, turned around, walked to my car and drove off. Strangely, I'm not pissed just somewhat relaxed and slightly depressed.

It feels like I don't have much hope to save my marraige. I still want it but I know I can't make my wife want it. She has to want it too.

The inks not dry, I know. I'll keep making changes in my life to make it more positive, try to be happy and just keep on living.

I just wish we had the ability to make someone do what you want one time in your life when you really needed it, although I would have probably wasted mine on something stupid, LOL.

[AFWAW]

Oh, turns out my wife when my told me in early Nov that she wanted out and then recanted only did so because I had guns in Iraq. I told her that was very cruel of her to give me false hope like that and then to act as if nothing was wrong.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

AF,

I'm sure these are legitimate marital complaints, but why won't she agree to work on them with you now, together?

I think it's because she's opened herself up to someone else emotionally (and perhaps even physically), and she has therefore shut herself off to you. I didn't want to say anything ahead of your MC appt., so as not to discourage you ahead of time, but MCing rarely works when there's someone else in the picture.

All you can do right now is work on you, and establish any boundaries you want to establish. You can't force her to want to be with you, but you can certainly GAL and do the other DB things that will help YOU, anyway.

Puppy

[AFWAW]

She says she doesn't want to be tied to anyone anymore. She said she know its selfish but she's never been by herself and knows that its wrong but has to do it for herself.

She even said that some of the people at her work have been trying to tell her to go to counseling and work it out because all she does is brag about how good I am to her.

If she is having some sort of affair, I don't know who it is with. Bottom line is I can't make her want to work on it. God knows, I've prayed that she would but for some reason she has it stuck in her head that this is the right thing for her. She is very stubborn when it comes to making her decision. Once she makes a decision, it is close to impossible to talk her out of it.

It doesn't make any sense, I know to give up 15 years of marraige and not give it a try but I guess people do it everyday.

I am going to work on me of course. It's just going to be really weird doing things by myself again. Most of the people I know are married. My daughter is certainly a priority.

I don't know how much longer I can live in this house though. I guess I'll clean it a bit, see if I can enjoy it with just me and my daughter and make a decision a few months from know when I'm feeling more clear about what I want to do.

God this sucks...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm so sorry John.

[AFWAW]

Well, it's already started w/ my daughter. She got in trouble today at school--wrote a note w/ the "B" word and got busted! I asked her why she felt she needed to use that word and she said all girls called each other that. Told her that she needed to be careful what she said and wrote. She was acting very guilty and repentative so I told her I'd let it slide this based on all that's been going on but I wouldn't next time.

My wife called and I told her about it. She asked if it was because of this and I said I didn't know. She asked how I was and I said fine. Asked are u sure, I said yes. She then went on to say that she thought that the counselor beat me up too hard today and she did too. I said it's fine, I guess I needed to hear some it. She said well when you go in by yourself tell them what a bitch I am. I said we'll see but I don't think that and plus it won't accomplish anything. She said it might make you feel better. I said I don't think so. I don't see much point in holding on to bad memories. I told her I would remember our time fondly if she chose to end it still. She went on to remind me of a lot of bad things she had said and done to me that most of I couldn't remember anyway.

Hey, I guess I do have the ability to forgive and forget--she does not. She went on to talk about me dating. I said aren't we getting a little ahead of ourselves here. She well if you want to date while we are still married, I would understand. I said, well I won't. Are you interested in dating someone, i asked? She said no, she was just really concerned about me and apologized for a lot of the mean stuff she had said and done to me and said that she wanted me to be happy. I said well, I want u to be happy too. I asked her if out of respect for me and our marraige would she wait 2-3 months before she decided to file so she could really be certain that this is what she wanted. She said absolutely and that she would talk to me about it it that is in fact what she decides.

She said she was bored without me right now. I didn't say anything. She said we'll just see what happens. I don't really know what else to do except keep trying to change what I need to. All these emotions and jet lag piled on top of me in the last few days have been really difficult.

It really helps me to get my thoughts out here, so I'm going to keep doing it. I occasionally look back at what I wrote a few days prior and enjoy the feedback and different perspectives. I will keep everyone posted on my WAW. Maybe she will come to her senses and realize that life can be better together--who knows?