WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

Mike,

Thanks for summarizing the your list of books. I'll try to do that.

I had thought GAL was going out and literally starting a new life (i.e. being out and about bars/clubs/friends/etc.). I hadn't realize it was just about doing things for yourself/family that isn't about trying to save the relationship (if I understood your posts).

Guess I'll have to reread that section of the book.

I see your point of the hugs and kisses (small pecks) as my way to stay/feel connected. I usually get the urge when I'm ready to throw my hands up and give up trying as I get so frustrated at times.

I never imagined that our marriage would lead to this. She said the same last nite in counseling. I had almost wanted to jump up and down and say so why did you give up and file for divorce, but I didn't.

During counseling last nite, when she was talking about all the hurtful things, I was trying to show how strong I was (the wall analogy). I tried to hold back my hurt/pain but acknowledged her feelings. The counselor called me out on this at the end of the session how it looked like I was trying to remain emotionless. I told her I was far from it and that it was taking every bit of my self-control not to just grab her, hug her and tell her how much I love her and how sorry I was. She then told me to replace the her with you and say it directly to my wife. Of course I jumped at the chance because I stopped saying it about 1-2 weeks ago when I finally understood the I love you's were not helping.

I had to control myself to not let it spiral into a Hallmark moment (which my wife had gotten really annoyed about during the first 2 weeks). Not sure if it helped or hurt, but I felt better saying it. She did look me in the eye and I'm sure I imagined that there was a little emotion in her eyes.

Another thing that the counselor had called me out on is that shes sees that my natural tendancy is to be a stable loyal provider. She thought that's one of the things that my wife was looking for because of her father issues.

The early parts of our relationship was full of the passion typical of relationships and that met her emotional connections needs. Unfortunately, when the passion part of the relationship fades after the first couple of years, she wasn't getting the emotional connection needs from me and couldn't communicate/get through to me. I couldn't argue with that, nor did I try.

She did leave it that it's something that I need to work on (we actually scheduled my one on one with her right after the session, as well as our joint one for next Monday).

She then also called out my wife that she needs to work on her anger issues and her inability to communicate them. I'm sure this ticked off my wife. I just hope she goes again next Monday.

We are planning on having a nice dinner at home (she's planning on making Filet's) next Sat nite for V-day. We are also planning on going on the following Sat Feb 21st to celebrate a late V-Day and early B'Day for her. I had asked her if there was anything in particular she would want for V-day. She pointed out some earings (under $20) - I had expected her to ask for something extravagant as that's what I thought she wanted, boy did I miss that boat too. She know's that I've started looking at the 5 languages of love book on the internet, so I'm pretty sure that's what I'm getting from her for V-Day.

Yet, we still have the custody hearing on the 24th of this month.

Very odd and confusing.

I do appreciate all the support and having this forum available to vent/blog really helps.