I'm the wrong one to advise you on a control issue (as you've given me some 2x4's on my own controlling ways). What I do know, like Gucci elaborated on so well, is that you need to take action before he will/may "get it".
My W never told me I had to go to MC/IC or do anything "or else". She said she was "unhappy" and we should go see someone (MC) - and we did. I made some changes, but it wasn't enough or, at least, didn't allow her healing. Then she dropped the bomb. The "unhappy" comment got me motivated - the bomb put me in turbo mode. I couldn't picture my life w/o my wife and her desire to leave was real - and all I needed.
If you think your sitch will not change w/o husband addressing his problems, then you need to make a tough call for your action, not his. Or, if you think you can change your part of the problem, if there is any (boundary issue?), then you can address that.
You've been an incredible help to all us DAM's, I'm praying for you.
