I wanted to add-on to my reply to you this morning. I am doing well, considering. I've had a few turning points the last 2-3 months. One was the multiple 2x4's you gave me when I thought I was validating my W, but was just pressuring her more (thanks). Sandi also gave me good advice in this area.
Next was the reading of "co-dependence no more" which has helped me significantly to detach and start thinking more of me and gain some real self interest and self respect. And then I read something on the self love topic in a parenting book, of all places a couple of weeks ago.
Over the last week, I feel a new calm. Not sure how to explain it or where it came from. I think some of it stems from the initial conversations of the D settlement - no longer an unknown or as scary. And I think some of it is because I no longer fear to be w/o my wife, or by myself. And also I think because I am tired of being in limbo. I want to love someone who loves me back.
I still have the door open for my W to come back, heal, or give it some more time. It's still my preferred outcome, but now, it is not my only "acceptable" outcome.
NM
Originally Posted By: NewMe
I was reading a parenting book (scream-free parenting) when the author gave his interpretation of St. Bernard of Clairvaux's four degrees of love, which centered around balancing love of self and love of god, but applied it to the parental, or any (spousal) relationship. Disclaimer - I am not a theologian and am paraphrasing the author's interpretation.
The Four Degrees of Love 1) I love ME for MY benefit - selfish and infantile. Serving only and considering only oneself. Like children act when they are young.
2) I love YOU for MY benefit - loving you so I can get validation, a good sense from being needed - like Cheap Trick sang "I need you to need me".
3) I love YOU for YOUR benefit - sounds selfless, but also too serving. Doing all for another, with no benefit to self, can expose hidden self interests and create martyrdom.
4) I love ME for YOUR benefit - the highest form of love. Taking care of yourself, making yourself whole and making yourself happy - so no one else has to. When you complete yourself first, only then, can you truly give without expectations or needing care.
I read about GALing here, knew I needed to take care of myself and then might be able to bust my D. The topic also came up in MC and IC, as the W was exhausted from giving and being needed. When I read this piece the other night it really (finally) hit home.
Not sure if this missing piece can save this M - there's too many wounds at present. I do know, it will help me continue on to be the best person I can be and to allow me to truly give love to my kids and my mate(one day). NM
P.S. I've been bad and have been keeping two threads going - this one on the D proceedings and one for journaling:
