WAW - yet another one

[confusedinpa]

I was a little more hopeful during the dinner prior to the counseling session. She told me how proud she was of the changes I've been making and how they will make me such a better person and father. Unfortunately, the problem is she doesn't know how to get past it so she would want me as a husband. We agreed to talk to the counselor about that.

The counselor then started by asking how it was going. I tried to acknowledge her feelings, but then she pressed me into explaining how/why I thought I knew/understood them better. Then it got into the past. My wife then jumped on the bandwagon to talk about the past injustices. The killer one was when we had our first dance, I had tried to take some of the stress out of the situation for my by joking about how long the song was. Big mistake. Apparently that had been bugging my wife since that day. It went that way talking about my past stupid moves that just got her more emotional - at least she was crying.

The therapist did say something about her father and how she had anger issues she has to deal with. But there wasn't much talk beyond that.

I did try to get it back to how will my wife get past the anger/hate, but my therapist said we need to stay right where we're at. We each owned 50% of the problem - my reluctance for connections/intimacy and her inability to communicate her anger/emotions. Not sure where this is heading. I wanted to work on our relationship, but I guess this is one way to get there.

I'm really annoyed as I was going to get into the whole thing about how my wife was perplexed on how to move past the hurt/hate, but my therapist wanted to understand and get the heart of the issue of what caused it. I guess that's the right way to do it.... or is it........

So how does a DB counselor approach this?

Meanwhile I have my appointment with her Weds and we have a joint one scheduled on Monday (hopefully my wife is still around then).

On the way out, I stopped my wife to appologize again for the "long song" comment during our first dance. She cried and I tried to comfort her.

On the way home, she was still upset and when we got home, she said she was going out to get a cup of tea for some alone time. When she got back, she was still tense (her jaw muscle was still tight). She couldn't find anyplace open to get tea so I made her a cup as she went upstairs to change. We surfed the internet to printout some restaurant coupons for us to use and we laughed as she showed me some of her old HS pictures on facebook. I massaged her shoulders lightly as we did that.

When we went to bed, I did give her a light kiss - I could tell she's still uncomfortable with that and before everyone jumps on that one, I know I need to stop :p

We talked a little about the session - she asked that there was one part that she was uncertain of. When she was venting, she expressed some concern about how I would say that it made me sad/hurt. The therapist had said that's ok, as I need to feel that. She asked me what I thought that meant.

I told her I think that I had shut down all my emotions so I stopped enjoying life as well as experiencing the pain/hurt. Feeling both is healthy is what I thought it meant.

My wife then talked about how she felt that I didn't seem to get when the therapist was trying to explain validating the feelings. She explained how it's not "I see how that hurt you and I'm sorry" (which is what I did), but rather "That must have been so hurtful or that is really hurtful/sad". I think I can see the subtle difference, but could really use some more input on this one. Any suggestions or other recomendations?

She then made a comment about how she feels the counseling session is helpful regardless of which direction we head down - divorce or reconcilation. She reiterated how she sees how I'm a much better person now and will be a great father. She just can't get beyond the past to see me as her husband. Very sad. I didn't say anything, I just rubbed her arm lightly. I do have a session with the therapist on Weds (one on one), I have to remember to ask her about that one. I suspect that she will say that this is her decision and there is nothing that I say or do that will affect it.

This morning, I could tell she was tired. I offered to get up to get ready for work first so she could sleep for an extra 20 minutes. I walked over to her side and gave her a light kiss (I know still bad, but at least I stopped climbing almost on top of her to give her the kiss). We talked for a few seconds, but she did reach out and touch my arm as we talked. This was the first time in weeks that she did that. I'm trying not to read any more into this as it was probably just to try and comfort me (I was trying not to talk or act needy, but she does read/know me so well).

I gave her a hug to crack her back before I left for work and just got a check for a kiss.

I am working on getting a life by reconnecting with a few old friends. Unfortunately, none of them are local so I'm not sure if that's really going to help. We have to boys (in 2 months will be 7 and 3) so I'm spending time with them. I've also been focused on getting chores/honey do list items done. I used my weights and heavy bag for the first time last weekend, I'm planning on 2-3 times/week for that. I'm really not sure what else there is to do to GAL - I don't want to do things that make it appear I'm back on the "singles" scene. Any suggestions?

Its still very hard and painful. I know this will take time. The therapist/counselor said that as well. I hope my wife had heard that too.