I've asked my H every possible way I can think of for the past 12 months
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I told him tonight
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I told him that I've hurt him, & he's hurt me.
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I told him that I didn't know if we could heal while together.
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told him that I've asked him for 12 months to go to IC,
SC, You know what they say about the definition of insanity don't you?
I believe you have told him and told him and told him. Sounds to me like the communication is just fine. Looks like he is communicating back to you something else. I don't think either one of you is listening. He is communicating to you that he feels pressure. I don't believe pressure works. I would say that it isn't working again here.
To get to the point... He doesn't take you seriously. Will he in another 12 months? 2 years? 3 years?
Should you say go to counseling or I am getting a divorce?
Again. I don't agree with this approach because it is still pressure in disguise...
I would recommend (and have always thought in your case)to back off completely and quit trying so hard to find something or some verbal comment you can say to him that will suddenly get through to him. It isn't working in my book...
1st.. Back off and become distant and in a world of your own. Not mean, but distant and seemingly to be thinking about something.. Get lost in some new or old interests that leave him alone and keep you busy. You don't have him asking the right questions. No more work on the relationship. I still believe you are doing all the work and allowing him to skate by with as little as possible. He certainly isn't aware of how serious you are.( and it doesn't look like it is because you haven't communciated it) If you are as serious as you say, then at some point you may have to put the relationship on the line. You don't seem to be willing to do that. Maybe you can find some magic trick that I don't know about.
I have always hoped you would recognize how fast men are willing to change when the woman says "enough." This site is filled with them. I would bet most of their wives were doing the same things that you have tried. Many of the men on here have admitted it.
And then when he gets curious and asks you what is up with you...
Lay the bomb on him.....
"Nothing is really wrong, but I HAVE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING. I HAVE DECIDED that this just isn't working for ME. I think we should separate and take some time apart."
If this man loves you, then he needs a crisis. Either the abuse is unaccetable to you or it is not. From my experience and from reading thousands of threads and experiences of other men, I conclude this is the best way to wake them up and get them to take you seriously and to WANT to make the necessary changes to make the relationship work. It eliminates ultimatums. I wish I knew the number of men that I have seen respond beautifully when the woman shows by action that she means business. Sorry to say that men don't seem to get it until it is almost too late. As much as I would like to say it isn't the case, I have to conclude it is.
Sometimes separation really is the BEST thing for a relationship. Time apart gives both people room to breathe and really see it in a new light. It stops the same talks and conversations that seem to keep you going round and round and round...
This takes conviction and resolve. I see your feelings slowly dying. As Dobson says... "A blowout is better than a small leak"
I can't and won't give you a guarantee with this approach. I can tell you that at some point that allowing abuse is your responsibility. There is not one thing wrong with the simple fact of coming to the conclusion of NO MORE. Unaccetable. NOW. Here is what I have decided about it and this is what I AM DOING about it. It isn't up to "us" anymore.
The results may just surprise you. "Why did it take me leaving for you to change" (How many times have we heard a man or a woman on here tell us they heard that?) Suddenly they are reading everything about relationships, begging for counseling, doing the dishes, watching the kids, laundry. These changes are for "me" and not to get you back, is what we hear.
And so on.... Why not before? I wish I knew. I only know that a crisis is usually a life changer.
No crisis. Same old same old. Here is what I would be thinking.... "Now what does she want? All she wants to do is talk about the relationship and talk about counseling. Talk talk talk. I just want peace."
That is what many men are thinking when a woman keeps wanting to "work" on the relationship day after day after day.
Total 180 when she stops giving and trying. If he loves you. He should respond and make the necessary effort.
