\My wife is going to leave me in 5 days--help!

[Mellenmack]

John,

What is supposed to work for DBing is that you become okay with yourself. You start taking care of yourself and you start doing all the things that your W complained you never did. In 25mlc's words, you become the husband only a fool would leave. In a perfect world, she would realize the mistake she made, realize what a wonderful man and daughter she is leaving behind, and want to work things out.

The reality is that NO MATTER WHAT BOOK YOU READ OR WHAT COURSE YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE, there is no guarantee. The DB point is what you have been doing up until now IS NOT working. So basically, you have nothing to lose by trying this for awhile.

If she is calling you, it is working, even just a little bit, trust me. You tell her everything is great. You make sure to end the conversation before she does. Leave her wanting more. In everything. In the meantime, become that man that she would be crazy to leave.

Hope you have a good day.

Melissa

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Anyone ever buy any of these get your ex back books. I'm considering an e-book called, the magic of making up. Any thoughts? Thanks...

I suggest you start by trying to get JOHN back.

You can't control your wife.

Puppy

[AFWAW]

Melissa,
You are right of course. I have been obsessive about things for years and it is hard to not be all of the sudden. I went for run this morning and thought about if I am really happy just being me. I realized I haven't been happy or loving myself for years. I have always seem to put things like school, work, or order and discipline before what was most important--my wife, my kids, myself. I honestly can't think of the last time I liked being me. Maybe its time to start. I'm trying to stay positive here. I have always been impatient about everything and never really just slowed down and relaxed unless I was drinking--that was not good as I was doing it to relax instead of doing it while relaxing.

I just miss my wife and wish there was some way I could soften her heart a little. I hear you loud and clear though, I will work on becoming ok with myself for today.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Have a good day.

John

[spellfire]

Are you reading DB or DR and how far into it are you?

[AFWAW]

I am reading DB and am about 1/2 the way through. I purused it yesterday for what parts pertained to my sit though. Had an ok day I guess. Have not heard from the wife at all yesterday or today. She was supposed to come over and spend some time w/ my SS as he is departing tomorrow. I'm sure she is probably out signing for her apartment and setting up utilities and stuff. Trying not to think of it but difficult. I have a telephone message to the marraige counseler and she is supposed to call me back. We'll see if the wife is still receptive to MC. I hope so.

[AFWAW]

The wife called a little while ago. She wants to take everyone out to dinner since it's my SS's last night in town. I told her that I had set up marraige counseling and is she still willing to go. She said yes but she's pretty much made up her mind. Said she just doesn't have that feeling anymore. Asked me how I was doing, I said fine. She said I knew you'd bounce back--really cheerfully. I said I'm glad you think that--I know, I know, I probably shouldn't have said that. She said she was going to spend the night in billeting again. I said I thought you were going to spend sometime with me when I got back. She said I know, I'm a shitty person, aren't I. I said well you feel the way you feel for a reason I guess--I just don't know what it is.

I tried like hell not getting into this relationship talk but it was hard. I faltered and asked her how she could know in one day that it was over---she said she just knew.

I'm not giving up hope but this is not looking promising right now to me. I really hope the marraige counselor can provide a way for her to see things differently. It's almost like she is afraid to be around me for right now because she doesn't want to talk about us and maybe she thinks she'll change her mind? I don't know, still very confused and upset.

Any input???

[Mellenmack]

At least she is willing to go to counseling. My H went one time two weeks ago and he is miraculously "cured" and "doesn't need to go back, nothing is wrong with him". Whatever. Even if she doesn't go, YOU GO ALONE. It only takes one to work on a marriage. You have learned that in the DB book. Make sure the MC counselor pro-marriage. You have also probably learned that.
I think one of the best (but hardest) things to learn to say is "I understand how you could feel that way." That way, they have their feelings validated. And you should at least understand why they feel that way. It does NOT mean you agree with them (but you don't tell them that part).

Keep moving forward. Sometimes it is really just one step in front of the other. We all misstep at some point or another. We just can't *stand* it anymore. It is harder in the beginning than it is later.

The MC counselor is not going to help her see things differently. I would say especially probably not while you are there. You might think about going first, and talking to the C, getting their take on things, and then offering for her to go later. They might even want to see her alone first, too. I don't know. Everyone does it different. I still think I would go alone first though, so that you know what type of C you are dealing with. And tell them up front that you wanted to come alone first. Tell them why. Tell them you want the M to work and maybe give them a heads up on how your wife is feeling about the M.

Hell, I dunno. I don't know what it would be like if you both went at the same time, because my H has never gone with me. I would like both of us to go, but that's cause I want the M to work. I'm afraid if we both would have went the first time, things might be worse than they are now. But I see how now they could be better.

Anybody else? Puppy, what is your opinion?

I wouldn't ask her about spending time with you anymore. Seriously. I would let her initiate ANY AND ALL contact with you, unless it concerns the kids.

Melissa

[AFWAW]

Thanks Melissa,
I did talk to the counselor today and she is pro marraige. She asked about the kids and other things and was overall very helpful but promised nothing. I'm not going to ask her about spending anymore time together. I think in a few more days, I will be over my jet lag and ready to take on the house full throttle, we'll see.
Ok, we went out to dinner tonight as a family. She was very talkative and joking around a lot. I tried to smile as much as I could and join in the fun but is was difficult. She told my kids at one point that if they had kids they were NOT TO CALL HER GRANDMA!--sign of a MLC? As hard as I tried to appear cheerful though, this woman has known me for 15+ years and she knew I was not having a good time. She knows I miss her. She dropped us off and came into get some clothes. I wanted to ask her to stay sooo bad but did not. I went into the living room and sat down while she rummaged through piles of clothes to take. She made a big show out of taking a laundry basket and looked at me and said i'm just going to use this I'll bring it back tomorrow. When she was getting ready to leave she asked me for a hug. She kissed me for a really long time too. Felt good--but felt like she was just trying to make me feel better--I may be really tired though and reading in to it too much. Oh yeah, I forgot, I set up marraige counseling for tomorrow and Friday. I gave her a paper with the address, directions and times for the sessions when I got into the car. She says whats this? I said that's the MC we talked about. She said I don't want anyone talking down to me telling me I'm shitty, etc, etc. I told her I already spoke with the counselor on the phone and she said she was very thick skinned and if we didn't like her, she would refer us to another counselor.

Right before she left as she was holding me she said, I'll see you tomorrow, ok? After my wife left my SS came to talk to me in the computer room and see if I was ok. I said yeah, I guess--not exactly the night I wanted for your last night though. He said I don't know why she is doing this and I'm sorry you're in so much pain. He told me I've been a good father and that he loved me. Told me he'd keep in touch too. I said ok, sounds good. He told me that he doesn't recognize her anymore. I just listened until he started to get ugly a little and then I told him to stop and remember that she is his mother and she has always stuck up for you and loves you very much, dont you forget it.

We have our first session tomorrow. Please pray for me, my wife and our marraige. Thank you guys for everything. Getting this stuff out and seeing the different opinions and perspecitives is really helping me. I would be sitting her staring at the wall if it wasn't for this site. I can't even watch TV--not even fun anymore. Exercise is really the only thing that makes me feel somewhat detached from feeling bad. Well, I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Sleep well everyone.

[spellfire]

Hang in there man. Most of know what you are going through and just how much it hurts.

[AFWAW]

Well, I went to the base today to do some more inprocessing and she asked if I would bring her boots to her. She said where do you want to meet? I said how about the BX. She said fine, just let me know when you get there.

So my question is: Why doesn't she want me to know where she is at? Is it because she thinks I'm going to try and come over and talk to her or is it because someone else is there with her?

I don't think she is being totally honest about something. In the military, if you get caught committing adultry, you can get in trouble. Something just doesn't add up--working out, hair color, new clothes, lost weight, seems happy and confident, email account w/ her maiden name. On top of that, she wants no contact w/ me, doesn't want to talk about the relationship since the first night. If she is having an affair, I would forgive her of course but I don't know if she is just yet--I'm trying not to be naive but it's damn confusing as to what the real reason is.

Hopefully, the MC can get to the root of the problem but then again, she could lie to the MC as well.

I did dress nice last night for our family night out and wear cologne. She noticed and made comments. She also said again today that I looked good and skinny. She said you look better--I said, yeah I guess. She said I knew you'd be fine, smiled and walked off. Wanted to grab her, hold her down and make her tell me what the hell she was thinking leaving me and her daughter but of course did not.

Talked w/ an old friend from my last unit about it. He was shocked of course. Told me that 5 months ago the wife was talking about how great things were, how great I was, etc. Anyway, my friend told me we would hang out. So, I rekindled a friendship since I've been back. Wish I could rekindle my marraige that easily.

I have no idea what to expect at marraige counseling. I'm gonna try to keep my mouth shut unless asked something by the MC. I have not said one unkind word to my wife since this has happened. Sometimes, I feel almost like she wants me to argue with her though. Well, I'm going to try and eat something, then go to MC. Wish me luck.

John