The more you push in...the harder he will push out. if you want to see him calm down...leave him alone. Let him be to sort the crisis out on his own. Judging by his anger he has some real issues that have finally come to roost. to ease the tremendous burden he blames you...and gets even madder because even that isnt making them go away. he needs to face these issues to complete this journey, he doest want to ...he cant begin to until you detach and let him be.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
S, I'm not surprised at all at the way he lashed out at you. Please don't try to tell him what his problems are...he doesn't want to hear it. Yes, you pushed a button when you mentioned he still had feelings for you....that is the root of the lashings, but you have to understand he doesn't want to have feelings for you right now.
I'm very sorry you were tossed in the ring, but again, we've tried to tell you many times....leave him alone. You are constantly setting yourself up for heartache. You put your heart out there to be smashed and trust me....he did exactly that.
The lessons for you are hard because you aren't listening to what we are telling you. You are not alone in this. Whenever a new poster comes here, that poster thinks his/her situation is so totally different and then one day, after we are blue in the face and ready to throw our hands up, they finally get it....LEAVE THE SPOUSE ALONE, FOCUS ON YOU!
You thanked him once and you certainly didn't need to thank him again. As for dropping the paper off...put it in his mailbox or mail it to him. You didn't need to call him about it. You were looking for an excuse to continue talking to him. Wow! He had you right where he wanted....he knew you were still clinging for dear life to him and that's when he took the opportunity to destroy your heart once again. What to do? When they go nuts like this, say I'm sorry you feel that way and walk away. Don't stand there like a door mat and take that crap. You do not deserve it.
I'm going to recommend one more time that you start reading the MLC Resource Threads and the MLC Archives. I strongly urge you to do this. Trust me, you will learn some valuable lessons and insights from those threads. The mistakes you are making, could be cut in half just by reading them. Remember....we've all been down that road and know what it feels like to be verbally abused and mistreated by the mlcer when they are in their most ugliest anger stage.
Pick yourself up and get reading those threads!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
ok guys its been 2 days and I have not contacted him, BUT tonight I have no friends available and no family, so I am alone at home on a Friday night and I am stressing here!!! I just know he is out and I am upset at that thought. Help me out here! What do I do to keep my mind off of this. I am so lonesome!!!!! I am praying for company!
Sorry Sun that you are stressing. Welcome to the Friday night club. I spent the last 2 years alone on Friday nights. You will need to find things to occupy your time.
Get a good book, go to the movies, coffee shop, library, rent a movie, anything to occupy your time. I used to do lots of cleaning on Friday nights.
Hang in there and be strong!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
did you read the MLC Resources while you were alone last nite??????
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I am going on 4 days not contacting xh. I no he is with ow and it makes me sick to even think of him, *the man I was married to for 20 years*. Today I was at work and he came to my house and brought my son something to eat, my son said he asked where I was. He also took my vacumm cleaner. Although I have 2, I do not want to give him anything right now because the last time he saw me he told me I wasnt welcome at his house. He DID NOT come into my house today, according to my son. but sat in the driveway and my son brougt him the vacumm out. Why do you suppose he asked about me? I know he was expecting me to call about the vacumm and get angry, but I didnt, I did what he DID NOT expect. NOTHING!
Renee, Never "assume" anything w/him. He may or may not have been w/the ow. But, that's something you can't worry about and/or control.
He most likely asked where you were because he was going to talk to you, nothing more. Don't over analyze the situation because you aren't going to find the answers. Why? Because he doesn't know why he does what he does himself.
Okay, go back and read your posting....you aren't going to give him anything because he told you weren't welcome at his house. You do not stoop to this level. If you are trying to work on things, you do the opposite. Yes, he would expect you to put up a fight about things...what do you do....the opposite. You've got to work on your anger a bit and come to realize that you'll get more with sugar than you will with vinegar. Just because he says and does hateful things doesn't mean you have to do it too. Two wrongs do not make a right.
Yes, you did good this time. Find an outlet for the anger and frustration. Take a long walk, kick boxing or beat the crap out of a pillow, but do not show that anger to him. He's the one that needs to grow up and you, as his friend, companion and wife, do not need to get into the sandbox w/him to fight it out. Step back, allow time and God to work on him.
Keep the focus on you and your son. That's all you have control over right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, I didnt assume he was with her, I know for a fact she was there, her car was in his driveway. She spends weekends mostly with him now. All night, and that is what makes me sick. I try not to think about it MUCH though. As for my xh asking about me, I found out from my son that he asked where I was before he came over. So he was not wanting to talk with me, just the opposite, he was afraid of running into me. Since he has been seeing this young girl lately, it seems like he stays farther away from me. He seems more distant. He lied to me las time we spoke by saying her time was just about up and he was moving on to another. Someone seen them out the other night and they were all over each other. Why do you think he is lying about dumping her...or maybe she is ALL he has right now, because someone said he was trying to ask another girl out. Anyway I know I shouldnt care, but I cant help it. I do, however, have a BIGGER problem that I need help with. MY SON. I have made the mistake a couple times asking my son (after he talked or saw xh) if he mentioned me. Since then my son doesnt trust me when I want to mention his dad. He thinks I am just trying to gather information from him. My son, like his dad, is not a good one for details. He never tells the whole story, therefore I get bits and pieces about dad. He (my son) said something to me tonight that bothered me so much. He said I aggraviate him and thats way my xh divorced me. (I know he heard xh say this, so he repeated it). He also said I was completely to blame for everything! This hurts guys. I tried to explain that his daddy was also to blame and that he left us because he wanted to single again and see other women. I probably shouldnt have said this, even though my son will be 19 in June, he still acts very young and loves his dad no matter what he does. BUT I am tired of getting blamed and I am sorry, but I am tired of trying to tiptoe around everyone and play NICE!!! What really did it for me was today when he called his dad and told him I was asking about him and told him to call me, he said his dad said NO. My son did this out of anger and was begging his dad to call and tell me to stop asking about him, and THEN told his dad I wanted him to call. (I never even asked my son to give him a message to call me, I only said I wish son would call his dad and find out about some golf clubs that someone was claiming to be theirs...xh left them behind.
So snodderly, should I phone xh and explain that son was misunderstood? or should I just let it go and not worry what xh thinks? I want so bad to tell xh that I was NOT asking a bunchof questions about him. I dont want him to be all SNUG thinking he has me where he wants me,,,especially if he his still seeing other women (which I know he is). What should I do?
Renee, Do not ask your son any more questions about your xh. You are putting your son in the middle of the situation and you cannot do this. Your son has to have a relationship w/the both of you and it's very difficult if he's been questioned. Do not talk about your xh around your son. Your son doesn't want to take sides. Okay?
As for phoning your xh....don't do it. Just let it go. By your not calling....it's sending a clear signal that you really aren't bothered by what he's doing and w/whom.
Live your life to the fullest and as if he will not return.
snodderly, I had not spoken to my x husband for right at 5 days until this morning and I phoned him about son and a couple other things. It was sweet and short. I had to be at a custody hearing for my nephew this morning and received full custody. I spoke with my xh when I returned home to let him know I had gotten custody, I mentioned that I was scared and he said "you are a good mom", you will be fine. I told him I would drop off his mail and I did. We spoke as he was leaving for gym. This was the conversation: I told him that things had and that I have moved on (intimately). (I havent done this but wanted a reaction out of him...I know this has to be against the rules. Anyway he said hatefully "so how did that make you feel?" He said he already knew and that our son knew about it and mentioned it to him also. (what a lier, nothing happened) Anyway he walked away and then turned around and said "dont degrade yourself". I said, "you mean like you did, and he said yes, men can get away with this but not women." we agreed to be friends but he was upset, it was real obvious. I take that he still has feelings for me or why would he get so upset? Anyway what do you think?
