The Unfaithful Wife - That's Still Me #3

[MrBond]

I think the FB thing is a nice offer that shows his transparency. If he's not afraid to add you on as a friend, then so be it. There's nothing wrong with it.

Hang in there Mel. I wish my W had your tenacity and perseverence after her A. It sucks being in limbo.

[Mellenmack]

Stuck,

That is what I think the hilariously funny Murphy's Law thing is. Here I am (the adulterer) and he doesn't want me. There you are (the LBS) and she doesn't realize what she has. I hate that we are all in the same stitch and NONE of us can get on the same damn boat. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. And I am convinced Murphy was a single mother, too. Wish it was Murphy Brown, though!!

The FB thing. I went ahead and signed up. He has girls on there listed as friends. A few of them I know. One is his buddy's older sister. No big deal. But at least now he will know that I know about them!

Unfortunately, I do happen to believe that if I have to be transparent, HE has to be transparent too. I know he hasn't agreed to R, but still. We both have made choices and we are both going to have to live with the consequences. We'll see.

Went to C today. She very much believes like I do that he is not sleeping with the OW. J, I totally hear you, really, I do. I know their relationship is inappropriate, but what is making a big deal going to get me right now?? Nada. They will get theirs sooner or later and I am not God. I don't get to dish out the punishment, just as he won't get to dish out mine. I know he has been mean and hurtful. I totally get that. I agree with it even. But sooner or later, somebody has to stand up and say enough is enough. Somebody has to put the foolishness aside and try to work towards something better. So it stops here. It stops with me.

C also mentioned something else, but I don't know if it's true or not. Men??? She said she thinks men have to feel SOME sort of attachment to ML. That if they didn't they wouldn't be able to carry thru. I dunno. I understand it, but...I know there are some guys out there who....you know. But they have no morals and no conscience. I know he has those. The other thing she said was that if ML has always been a bone of contention in the M, it might not hurt to show that it is gonna be different and there is gonna be more of it. So she said to do it. Quit cringing, J!!!

It comes down to this. It makes me feel a ton better to think of us as working towards something and everything I am doing (or not doing) as not pointless. I can take care of the things I need to if I look at it like this. I can take care of me. I can not focus on Obtrusive Wench (OW, knew I'd come up with something.). I have more hope than I did yesterday. He may not come back. And that's okay, too. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. He hasn't filed for D. He hasn't worked on the papers. He's not doing anything to help the stitch, except by NOT doing anything. And maybe, for now, it's okay. I can live in a bubble for a little while. Not permanently, but for awhile.

J, I don't think your 2x4 is gonna be big enough. I love you, sweets, and I know you are disappointed. Because he is getting away with something and I agree. But there was a time when I acted wrong, too. But holding a grudge, and worrying about what to do about OW really wasn't working for me. It made ME miserable and he didn't care. So screw her. I can always file for D if they don't go their separate ways. And if I do, you can bet, I will use an L. I will take both kids. There will be child support and there will be retirement. I will not bend if that is what it comes to.

But for right now, I just want to worry about today. Just want to get thru tonight without crying into my pillow. And maybe, just maybe, if I can act as if everything is okay between us, he'll remember the good times, and it will all be okay. There were good times. There were bad times. All I want is for us to learn to be "right" with each other. And if we can do that, in time, then the past belongs in the past.

Love ya'll. I really do feel better today. Truly.

Melissa

[K4D]

I'm glad you feel better Mel. That is great to hear. Remember to take baby steps with him. Each time you see him, put in another baby step. Don't rush anything. Its interesting. For my the days are the hardest. I hate the sunlight. I prefer the dark. For you, its the nights that are hard. Crying in the pillow.

Remember, detach, detach, detach. When he sees you don't need him, he may think twice. If he sees you needing him, there is no incentive for him to change his ways. He has you where he wants you. He has his cake and is eating it to.

Be strong, you can do it. Do you do anything in the evenings after work? Join a group of some kind. Make yourself get out and socialize. I ready where you said he is the social butterfly. Become one yourself. Join a softball league or whatever group that does something that interests you. Go to dinner with friends from work. GAL. He may find it more appealing in you. Who knows. He may realize you have moved on and he may feel like uh oh, she doesn't need me anymore. I want her back. You never know.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Mel,

You won't get a 2 x4 from me on that. I did the same thing for essentially the same reasons. Instead of OW, we could call "Alaska, Alicia"...but my DB coach said IF I COULD HANDLE IT (which I say to you b/c of your OW/anger & obsessing, etc. and thinking that if you ML that he'll be nice the next day, but if he's not, how you'll feel, etc)

BUT, having said all that, db coach told me to try to "Contrast the warmth and love of home, and what that all means, with his other world" so the kids could drape themselves over him while watching a fun movie eating popcorn, and we could be intimate later that evening and yes, I agree it helped in our sitch. I don't know men who go back to their wives b/c of the great sex they never had. For some couples it's a baseline of connection, especially for guys and so, my concern was really about whether you could handle it based on comments about his cruelty to you in the past and the "are you okay?" passive aggressive poop.

But if you feel his recent disclosures are good signs (I doubt they're bad ones) and maybe you can handle this, do what you can and protect yourself. But you know, down deep you'll be able to say it wasn't you being punitve or a false pride that kept you from opening your heart to him again. IF you have to say no, you'll do it b/c it's a healthy boundary. You are coming from a place of love, and not need. I think so anyhow. That should count for something in this world.

SO don't misunderstand me. I felt you were backsliding with the self reproach, and that your feelings about OW are such that if he sleeps with you and goes back to her and it turns out that they are together....you'd screw your head in the ceiling, but if you can handle it, okay.

And his R with her is inappropriate for reasons we've discussed that have the "appearance of impropriety" written all over it. Don't think I'm nuts with this b/c I was active duty and so was h. True, we were officers (don't think I'm sniffing snobbily as 3 of my 4 military brothers were enlisted as was our best man at the wedding).... But When my h was TDY for some monthso, in the Texas heat, I was overwhelmed with my lawn and the kids had chicken pox and I was in a long trial. The lawn needed mowing and I was new to the post. (I was also Acitive duty.) I could not ask or expect anyone who worked with me, or their teenage sons to mow it, for money of course, b/c it appeared inappropriate in my bosses eyes. He felt that it could be argued the subordinate felt pressured to comply and have his kid do my lawn, even though I'd pay. I argued that I was not asking or expecting this at all and my boss interrupted and said "I believe you but I want you to pre-empt the problem by telling your sergeant that he is NOT to assist you personally in any way outside of work..."

Oddly, my boss offered to mow my lawn BUT withdrew the offer b/c his wife was out of town and he could not be seen at my house in the yard....okay, so that is where I'm coming from. NO OFFENSE, but this is what is meant when it is said "conduct unbecoming an officer" does not apply to enlisted, but it ought to. (btw, that fact was misstated in the movie "A Few Good Men" at the end, when They convicted the marines of a NON crime...."conduct unbecoming a marine"???
Next time Ask a JAG you goons, you spent a gazillion bucks on a movie and
wrecked it... but I digress) SO on the military issues, That's my frame of reference so when you tell me a M E-4 is living with a married E-7, who's w is nearby I shake my head. Especially with the housing allowances and dependents, etc. Hopefully no IG will inspect anyone.

Anyhow, gotta get some sleep. Um, h is coming home this wednesday. So, I'm gonna shave my legs and get a bikini wax. NOPE, nothing more. It's weird enough for me as it is...but kinda cool. Literally.

I support your choice either way. You want to restore this M, it's difficult for me to imagine him (or my h for that matter) to return without knowing they can count on a warm bed. I already answered the door with crossed arms too often in our past as it is, b/c of his neglecting family. YES he did neglect us, but did my cold shoulders approach help the sitch? NOPE....did I stop going down the cheeseless tunnel? NOPE....so I promised myself long ago that if we reconciled, despite his craziness and the lying and weirdo trips to the tundra, etc., that there were things I would do differently. And so, there are. I'm gonna practice what I preach...
Oh, took the teacher's exam. weird. Some parts embarrassingly easy...other parts frighteningly new to me...functions? Calculus? Hmmm, did I even take those in high school??? Or was there a cute guy distracting me? Did I party THAT much that brain cell chunks, all related to advanced math, were destroyed????

Me thinks I'll be re-taking THAT section...or screw it and teach at the local college like a normal person would...

xoxo
J-

PS just heard a lapping sound from my pug, only it wasn't that. It was my basement play room, ceiling, leaking water....wtf?? NOT my upper floor ceiling, but my lower floor's...from the overhead light fixture, which is heavy and metal (so a nice electric short can happen any time.) I'm talking a MAJOR leak which I can only assume means a water pipe broke deep inside my houes, between the flooring of my main floor (kitchen--& NO, nothing leaking there, or even on, like dishwasher) and the ceiling of the lower floor. Guess we have a new problem and that is NOT counting the broken stairs on the deck ($5k for that? Are they kidding? Or the need for gutters, or re-painting the deck and front of the house or the new front doors or the dang leak near the window......of the "dream house" we bought at h's urging. See, now I have to get UNmad at him for not being here....and this actually is NOT his fault...and yes I will keep telling myself that b/c I'm tired and 90% of the problems arising from this house arise when h is gone. Thank God he'll be here soon. But it's a cloud of stress over his trip.'Anyhow, you want to know when I miss him the most? Times like these. Sure I miss bed time snuggling too, but weird stuff with plumbing at 3 am is a husband type of thing if ever one existed. (And investigating scary noises downstairs--but I back him up---and of course, killing spiders.

Gotta get some sleep. And check how many pots I need downstairs to collect the water. And it did stop raining and I DID stop the water outside so we have no running water inside...NICE TOUCH...welcome home h! See how it all sucks when you 're gone??

[K4D]

25

Get that broken pipe checked ASAP. I have seen that happen to someone else and the cost of water was like 2k on top of having to have it fixed.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

okay. you know, i think i would be okay, for the most part, if my friends would support the new theory. they all tell me i'm stupid. well, not exactly like that, but still. they don't get it. i see how some of them fight or some of the awful things they say to their H's and I'm like "!!!!!!" Not that I say squat, because look at my own stitch.

talked to mil tonight and it was a good convo. i told her i was sorry for being short last week, that i didn't want to be, but that H had asked me to not discuss our R with her and that it was hard for me. but then I talked to him again and told him I didn't think it was fair and he backed down. So we talked for about an hour tonight. It is nice to hear her knock this Obtrusive Wench. (What were you saying about anger, J???!! :P)
But at least MIL knows how I feel about OW being in her home. Told her how I felt about "What if we get back together and I have to sleep in that bed??!!" She said real quick "I'll help you burn it." lmao. She says H has always been a pouter since the day he was born. Says she loves me and doesn't want our conversations to stop. She likes other daughter-in-law, but has reserves about her because those two just always seem to be in SOME sort of trouble. Drinking, piercing, failed jobs, the list goes on. Just always some drama, whereas with H and I, she always knew things were going to be okay. Except for this. She said again that he is still hurt (but she also quickly acknowledged that sooner or later he is going to have to get back up and dust himself off) and it was nice to hear that. Also hard for him to trust again. I understand how he would feel that way. Talked to her about H's triggers for drinking and talked about me realizing that I had triggers, too and what actions both of us can take to manage ourselves.

She did mention something, though, J, that you mentioned...did you say "false pride"? I'm gonna look up exactly what it is after I leave here. I know, I should know. But what I think it is and what it is are prolly different. MIL mentioned something. She said she worried about his pride getting in the way. To which I said, yes, I can understand that, but does he want to be married or does he want to be right. I didn't say it, but you know what, I have put EVERY LAST OUNCE OF MY EFFING pride aside to R with him. It prolly would have been EASIER to just walk out and keep on walking, but IT WASN'T THE RIGHT THING TO DO. So here we are.

MIL is good for getting dirt on OW, did I mention that. I know it's snarky, but it makes me feel better, so...who cares? Who among us could really say we don't want to hear snarky things about OW??!! Anyway, MIL said next time they come down, she wants us to take Clay and just go do girl stuff. So that will be nice. OW thought she was going to do that with MIL and MIL was like, uh, no, I hate you. She was only a LITTLE bit nicer than that. Thought it was interesting that she said he was a pouter growing up. She loves him dearly, I know, but I don't think she's as wrapped as I thought she was. With material things, yes, she probably is because she never had stuff growing up. But she called him on some things (to me) tonight that she didn't have to. The pouting. The dusting himself off. She, too, is worried that someone will file a complaint, and H will lose his career. But she told him and he tells her that everyone knows about it and is okay with it. She knows better but she also realizes that sometimes, you can't tell him anything. You know what I thinks he gets out of OW, because of something MIL mentioned. She said he took in OW because she needed a place to stay. So he rescued her. And H is a big rescuer. He sent $$$ home to his brother to help pay for vehicles being repo'ed, etc. He has no boundaries when it comes to rescuing.

Anyway. I am off to read more threads.

J, I signed up for facebook. It is not under Mellenmack. Is there a group or something that I could ask to belong to that you belong to? Ahh! Have a thought, but need to carry it out.
Will let you know.

M

[K4D]

Well, its good to know MIL feels that way. But she hasn't put her foot down. My MIL feels that it is wrong what my W is doing to, but she just goes with it because my W told her to butt out. And MIL is all about her own kids first. Unlike my family who would write me off if I did that.

Just be careful Mel. It does sound like H needs to grow up some more.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

Kevin, I agree, but in time. We can't do it all at once. It would be nice if he recognized the value of C, but right now I think he is refusing out of spite. Whatever. He is only hurting himself.

I think family is more that way over daughters than boys. My parents back me to the hilt and then some, even when they shouldn't. Because I'm their daughter. And that's cool, except that it is also a PITA. There is no objectivity and that is like...depriving me of air.

J, cal-cu-latorus?? cal-cu..calk you less?? I took it for 1 semester in HS before I got smart. I love math dearly. It is black and white. There is only one answer. There is no gray. I hate gray. (didja guess??) But Calc was hard. I think it just got too out there for me that year. Good luck on the tests! I do still think you would be happier at the college level. Think about all those saggy assed boys with their shorts hanging out and all the girls with their spaghetti strapped bras and boobs hanging out. I'm not in the classroom with them all day so it's easy for me. Just make sure.

AND GOOD LUCK.

melissa

[K4D]

Very true. One step at a time. Families have sure changed. Used to if someone did something like this, they were not to be helped along. But not now.

You are a good W. You made some mistakes. Who hasn't. But you are honestly wanting to fix things. That is worth gold. Those A's may have been to much for him to handle. I don't know. But on the other hand, if he loves you, he will find a way to work past that.

What my W did hurt alot also. But I am willing to forget about it to fix things.

It may just take more time for him. And again, I think either he is going to have to get tired of OW or she is going to have to leave in July. One of the two has to happen in order for yall to begin reconciliation I think. Give it time. It sounds like he still loves you, he is just having to learn to grow up.

I still think there is promise for your marriage. Its just probably going to take longer than you want. Do you have the patience?

Kevin

[Twice-2-Her]

M&M:

I love math too. No gray. I have said that for years and now funny to hear another say the same words.

As well, had Calc in college hated it. Got a D and was happy. Calc seems to not care about the answer and it turned me off.

Thanks for the side thought. Math is black and white, wish DB was the same!

Twice