Trying to let go........with love!

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, YR, for your prayers. They are much needed and appreciated. My emotions are all over the place and I am really struggling.

Today was one of those days when I just felt depressed and weepy for much of the day. I e-mailed H this morning to ask him if we could postpone our "together" session with C until next week, because I really want and IC session. He was OK with that. That means that our session will be the day before our 26th anniversary.....

H also said he wanted to keep the 2 hour back to back session next Tuesday with S17. And I reminded him that S is supposed to do a drug/alcohol assessment that day too, and H supported that....so I'm hoping his actions are speaking louder than his words and he is not really giving up on S17.

Then, I had a setback on the ferry coming home. My step-father (who happens to work for H) is usually on the same ferry as me, and I usually save him a spot, and call him to tell him where I am. Today, though, when I called he did not need the spot because he was in our truck with H down on the car deck. This hurt me because usually they would call me to let me know they are going to be on the ferry and they will pick me up so I don't have to deal with the bus.

Well, I won't go into detail, but lets just say that I backslid, and H was an insensitive jerk, and then he withdrew. Then my bus broke down and we had to pile in to one of those mini-buses, and I had a panic attack on the bus from claustrophobia, so I got off at the super market, and ended up calling H to see if he could come get me. He did, and was fairly nice about it too. I PMA'd during the drive and when he dropped me at my car, I thanked him very much for being there for me, especially after what I had put him through on the ferry. (A special thank you to my personal coach, sandycay!!).

Oh, H also called S17 and asked him to come over to the house to talk tonight. But S wanted some time with me tonight, so we are going to go shoot some hoops! S will go over to see H tomorrow evening. I'm pleasantly surprised that H "made the first move" in calling S......

H told me in our talk on the ferry that he really wants to be alone and doesn't plan on ever remarrying. I said "then why are you dating". He said it wasn't really dating. It was drinks with people here and there, but he is still "by himself" and there is absolutely no commitment.

I really need to turn a corner here! I need to get hold of my emotions! I am just so afraid and I miss my H so much and I am afraid I will never see that man again, and it makes me so very very sad!!