Regarding so called “perfect” marriage. Of course that was my point of view at that time, only later I’ve realized that everything from “walk away wife syndrome” applied to us. When I noticed that something was wrong it was already too late. We’ve known each other for more than half of our lives, met and hooked up in high school. I realize it doesn’t sound very original, but I’ll say it anyways: our relationship was one of the kind. The love and the passion lasted for almost 11 years. By that time other couples get married, have kids… and some divorce.
About four years ago first warning signs surfaced. That’s when the reality and routine finally caught up with us. It was disastrous for my wife; she realized that her love has changed; more into the friendship, soul mate type, instead of passionate, fiery like it used to be. She become depressed said that she needed to think things through and decided to leave for a while and “to be closer to her family”. Of course I was trying to change her mind but she’s very stubborn and strong minded, I finally gave up and went with the flow. That stage of our relationship lasted about a year. We were in constant contact via phone, email, but were leaving apart and at that time she finally started to successfully pursue her carrier. Then she came back saying that was sure that she loved me, would never leave and hurt me again (some of you are going “yeah I heard that one before”).
Almost 3 years went by, in the meantime we bought the house, tried to have a baby, etc. For all that time she was showing me her love, commitment, admitting that was happy and grateful for everything I’ve done for our marriage I really thought that we finally dodged the bullet and our marriage was almost perfect again.
About a year ago, her grandmother died and my wife became little depressed. Never told me anything, never complained (later admitted that didn’t want to hurt me, see “my sad eyes”). I didn’t notice anything again (she’s extremely good in hiding her problems and feelings). Now I know she felt neglected, lonely (I worked a lot to provide for the family). I realize now that in her eyes her life was a failure; had (at still has) a job she doesn’t like, failed as a wife (blames herself for imagined infertility problems). Her doubts about love and relationship came back like a boomerang.
That’s when OP appeared on the horizon. At first they were friends (!), his mother died about the same time as wife’s grandma, which made them closer. My wife started to share her problems with him (not me!) “I didn’t want to hurt you and he was just a friend I could talk to”. Later she realized that this friendship was going into a different level. I think that stage lasted for few months; where she was still loyal and faithful to me, but on the other hand started to think about leaving a “dead marriage”.
Finally it occurred to me that something was wrong. For two months I was trying to find out what happened, why she became so reserved, withdrawn, tried to cheer her up, make her happy somehow. It’s very significant that my wife almost each year goes through small seasonal depression which usually starts in October. I thought that her behavior was part of it, never realized how serious and severe it was. Right before Thanksgiving I asked the same questions again: “what happened, why are you so sad, how can I help you?” That’s when she told me. Said that was in love with someone else, she didn’t look for love but it just happened. That she would move out in a week. First she wouldn’t tell who he was, but I knew immediately (which surprised her a lot). Within hours I knew everything about him: address, age, martial status, kids.
Armed with that knowledge I started doing all these stupid things you can read in the book: pleading, begging, trying to prove that she was wrong, and asking for more time and MC, and so on. As you can imagine it didn’t help much; exactly one week later she moved out, while I was at work. Took only her clothes and personal belongings, leaving everything behind. At that time I didn’t know anything about “divorce busting” but somehow I didn’t pursue her, I backed off completely. Told my family and closest friends about the situation and was pretty much sure that my marriage was over. About three weeks later she texted me asking for a meet and you know the rest from my previous post. By now I’ve surfed the web, read numerous articles and DR book on the subject but still have such a hard time with implementing some of the methods I’ve learned. Michele was right it feels unnatural.
By now I also know, that there is not real love between my wife and OP. He probably loves her but I’m sure that what she feels is not love. No doubt that she feels something for him, it’s not love. Otherwise she would formally end our marriage long time ago. I think, she realizes now that she has made the biggest mistake of her life, but her pride, hurt feelings and indecisiveness won’t let make any decision soon.
What kills me the most is that she’s been leaving with that other guy, and in the same time keeps me around. Each time I back off, she reaches out. When I think she’s ready to make a decision (either way) she says not yet.
After the stunt she pulled on me last week; from “I’m packing my stuff and be back home in a few hours” to “I have my stuff in a car but can’t take the next step. I’m sorry it will not happen today”, I pulled back again, this time thinking that I was getting near the “exit” sign. How many times one can be humiliated?
Knowing this she initiates all the contacts ever since: texts, phone calls, emails (with jokes and stuff). I don’t know what I should make of it? When enough is enough? As I said in the beginning I don’t want to lose her, love her to death, trying to be patient but I’m stuck in between. I’m so afraid that pulling away will send her into his arms, on the other hand I don’t want to be too outgoing and make her too comfortable with this situation. Otherwise she will drag this for ever. One thing is sure: I’m completely lost, but haven’t lost my cool yet (at least in front of her).
