Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[Dawn of Hope]

[...]it just reinforces to me that I AM ALONE in all of it. Yes, I know God is always there with me, but it is daunting not to have the strong, male, human presence by my side that was there for so long.

I'm right there with you! I want (as the little boy said during the scary thunderstorm) somebody with skin on!

Like...if I go on and become happy and whole..to me that says "then everyhting that xh did to you was for you good..that him leaving you, ripping out your heart etc. it was all good..." SEE I can't differentiate between that being hard and bad and me choosing to live and have a healthy life without him as good.

I totally get it.....at least I think I do!

It's like I don't want people to be able to say to me in a year or two or five..."Hey, TP, aren't you so much happier now? H leaving you was the best thing that ever could have happened to you!"

It's almost like it lets exH off the hook---like it makes what he did okay. But I don't like that. I don't feel that way. Just because I'm surviving it and learning to make the best of it, and maybe someday will finally be able to be happy again should NEVER make what he did to me and to his children okay.

I struggle with this, too. I know the Bible says that God can take any and every situation and use it for the good of those who believe in Him, but it's almost like I don't WANT that!

And how does that make sense, for heaven's sake!!!???

Ohhhh yes. I go through this whole cycle too. I think for me, part of the trouble is that I have not yet released my anger about the sitch and come to the place of being able to forgive. I think the key here is this: The end does not justify the means. Even if a LBS is able to learn and grow and benefit in numerous areas, and find happiness somewhere down the road without their S, it will NEVER make what the WAS did okay/right. It's not a matter of making lemonade out of lemons, it's more like making clean, pure lemonade out of poop. Only God can do that...or would even try.

I myself have gone through such complete he!! over the last year and a half that what I have gained (which has been significant), and what I had before the bomb, does not come ANYWHERE close to making up for it. And I'll bet a lot of people on this board would feel the same way.

Cagz, I'm sorry to hear that you are having such an emotional low, and I send you my prayers and best wishes.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn