NikB #33 Keep on Keepin On...

[NikB]

Thanks Oldtimer. You're always good at making me see things from a different (and more rational) perspective. Agreed.. in time you're right, it is forgivable. At the moment, I am still furious, shocked, disappointed, though. I see where you are coming from with the demonstrating compassion, I really do... maybe it was the timing, maybe it was the tone. The way he did it felt almost like he was choosing to dismiss how it was making my brother feel.

I agree, a lot of it probably had to do with self-defense. After all, I was/am extremely upset and angry with her (and so is my brother obviously!). Since what we're angry at is her actions.. and he did the same thing... well, it makes sense. I guess it worked too. There is no way I will be talking to him about it or my feelings about it anytime soon. I doubt my brother will, either.

One of my first thoughts when I heard the news was "wow, guess I was right." I went through a phase where I was on here too much, and I really started hating people for the pain they inflicted on each other. And no I'm not "WAS bashing", I'm aware that there's a lot of pain on both sides. It took me awhile to dig myself out of that and see the good in people again. I had to step back and realize that many people DO work through their problems and remain faithful to their spouses, and while they may cause the other pain sometimes it's not intentional or willfull. Only to find out that apparently, my own father and sister in law don't even fall in that category. Don't get me wrong - I understand what drove them to it, but I'm sorry... I will never feel that an affair is an acceptable way to clue your spouse in that there's a problem. Leaving or threatening to leave, if it comes to that, yes... cheating on them, no. I have no choice to accept that apparently plenty of people disagree with me, but I have a choice in how I feel about it.

I guess it makes me doubt the whole point of marriage or even long term Rs, for that matter. Why bother? It's like it means so little to people anymore. I'm not feeling that way so much NOW, but have been fighting it ever since I heard the news.

Ok.. shaking it off now!

One positive thing that it's done is shake me up again regarding my own R/M - in a good way. The night I heard the news H was incredible how he handled it and me. I was so grateful for that and made sure that he knew it, and why. Specifics... not just "thanks for being there," but specifics about what I appreciated.

And I was proud of myself, too, because it didn't dredge up a bunch of negative "stuff" towards my H. Obviously it's a harsh reminder of how I felt early on - but I didn't get angry at H all over again, or feel this need to go off about anything that happened between us. That's a big shift for me. And it's not that it came up and I "stuffed" it - truly, it didn't come up. I kept it (as it should be I think) about my brother.

Small victories, right?