Hey Rob... you don't know me, so let me introduce myself first. I am Ian and I have been on the boards since 10/06. There... I am now qualified
Couple of things here......
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After a year+ of being separated and truthfully only recently applying techniques like these books (I also purchased a program from Mort Fertel, anyone have any experience with his stuff?).
I wouldn't spend any money on Mort, he will send you a daily email that is pretty good, but the rest is basically DB techniques that you have to pay for... you get more info on these boards.
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I read somewhere on this site about dating other people to make your spouse jealous - any thoughts on this? Is this safe? Does it work?
Simple answer, would you like to be divorced??? If yes, go ahead and date. Look Rob, your a married man. Your still honoring your vows and hanging on to restore your marriage and family right? Do not do anything that you will regret if and when she decides to reconcile. Jealousy is not the reason you want her to come back into the marriage, her love for you and your kids is the reason. Many many people have fallen into this trap, it's all about loneliness and need for companionship. Buy a dog, hang out with friends, whatever you need to do.
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I also read somewhere that you should apply these divorce busting techniques for a year and after that, if you haven't gotten back together, you know you tried your best and should proceed with getting a divorce.
Don't worry about time frames,just focus on what is within your span of control and that is your behavior, your actions, and your commitment to your family.
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I have rec'd my books: the divorce remedy and divorce busting, they read "step by step" instructions to get your spouse back but going through them, they are more or less a list of examples of other couples, I don't see the step by step instruction part that she is referring to (I could be blind).
There is no cookie cutter answers Rob, it's a guideline and based on your situation you gauge what applies to you. I don't know if you have used the coaches or not, but they are excellent. I used Chuck when I started here and he was amazing. They really help you to focus on what aspects of DBing apply to your situation and can guide you to some realistic steps for you to take that can help.
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Maybe I should limit my contact after what happened this weekend, limit my responses, don't show any emotion, try not to be to attentive to her and only respond in a minimal matter.
You have the typical problem of most newbies. You seem to overthink things to death instead of just letting go and accepting. My biggest mistake I made in my first 6 months was overanalyzing every interaction, every mood swing, and every feeling that I had. My advice, figure out how to stop doing this to yourself. Let go, accept where you are today and simply be yourself. Work on you and your life. Look at what you did wrong in the marriage and try to figure out how to improve on it. Take this time as a gift, a gift in that you now have some time to "fix" you so that you will be a better husband either for your wife, or future relationships.
You said in an earlier post that you do not want to reward bad behavior. I agree, except you also want to avoid it. Do not get into conversations about it right now. Odds are she doesnt even know why she has attitude. You asking her also tells her you are watching her every attitude or move. If she gets like that, remove yourself from the situation rather than pursuing the answers to why she's pissed or being bitchy. Reality is, as a guy with his world turned upside down, you aren't asking her what is wrong with her, you are asking her what you did wrong....big difference.
So look, what I think you need to clearly see here is that separation is not marriage ending, it is an opportunity to step up to the plate. It is an opportunity to show her that you are not simply self absorbed and the kind of guy that will do the woe is me thing because your marriage is struggling.
Now is the time for you to be a champion, a knight in shining armor so to speak. It is a time for you to show your wife what she means to you and that you have the ability to step up and carry her while she is in a weakened state.
So answer these simple questions Rob....
1. Do you understand that this is hurting her inside just as much as it is hurting you?
2. Do you understand that she has feelings and it is not simply a "hey I dont like you anymore so go away" type of thing that causes separation in marriage?
3. Are you capable of letting go of the selfish nature of men and instead of looking at this as a how could she do this to me ordeal, looking at it as an opportunity for personal growth and to strengthen your marriage by being the man that she needs you to be?
Many men in this situation tend to lose their focus on what this is all about and they for some reason loose all capability of empathy for the woman that they love. They believe that they have been hurt and abandoned. Well, reality is that your wife probably felt that way for many months before coming to a point of walking out. She probably felt the way that you do right now with the only difference being that she had to just keep living with it every day until she simply couldn't take anymore. In other words, this situation did not start the day she dropped the bomb Rob, it started long ago when the two of you forget that a marriage needs tending to and is not just going to be fine with no work put into it.
I will finish with this, I know this is a lot to absorb. I think it's important that you let go of the hurt and clear your mind of anything except for working hard to save your marriage. Once you feel clear, sit down and read the books, do not read them as your saving grace, read them as self help books that are the model for things you can do and work on to improve yourself as a man/husband and hopefully those changes will cause the magnetism that initially attracted your wife to you. Not one of us guys were the perfect husband. It took me a long time to get that.
This takes a lot of work, a lot of courage, and a lot of true love for your wife if you are going to be successful. Do you have it in you????? We shall see......
