My wife dropped the bomb on me in early January. She filed for divorce before the month was out, and is fighting me for full custody/child support/etc.
I suspected OM since last year, but I hired a P.I. who confirmed the affair for me over the weekend. She left my home Friday, went to a grocery store 2 miles down the road and left her car there and jumped into my neighbor's car and they came right back to his house and she spent the night there until 6:30am. I witnessed her come out, called the P.I. and he filmed the drop-off.
I haven't confronted her since gathering the evidence. I've asked her about it, our preacher asked her about it, her mom even asked her about it earlier in January and she has lied straight to everyone's face.
Since she's filed divorce and is making me out to be a horrible person while she's miss innocent - I decided to just give the information to my lawyers and confront her in my counter-claim for divorce. I feel like actually putting the pressure on her through lawyers is going to be the best way to cause the fantasy to fall apart.
I'm not telling her that I know because she's got the typical behavior of lying to my face repeatedly. Even with evidence I feel like she'll start lying - but she doesn't want anyone to know what she is doing.
Until the legal stuff is filed at least, I'm not exposing her to family/friends/etc. - but when that time comes what is the recommended approach for exposing an affair assuming I want her to snap back to reality and get us to a position where we can actually work together?
What I'll have: Video of her car parked in the parking lot until 6:45am. Video of OM car parked in his driveway all night. Video of OM dropping her off at her car. Testimony of P.I. and his description of events. Testimony of me seeing her get in OM passenger seat and calling him to get the video mentioned above of the dropoff.
Should I get her around her family and ask her where she was, allow the lies to build, and then pull out the evidence?
Should I go to her family behind her back?
Should I purchase a billboard on the side of the road after setting up a website discussing her affair?
How do you expose this - and more importantly I am not going to expose or discuss prior to the right time legally. I want her to be shocked by the filing and wondering what evidence I do have. I want the foundations of her fantasy to be shook.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Right now you're mad as hell and believe me, I've been there to.
I would wait till all the rage gets out of your system and honestly think. Do you really want the marriage still? If the answer is yes, then you have to move past the A. What were the issues with your marriage? Start from there.
No amount of badgering from her parents, you or even your pastor will pressure her into changing her mind. Ask anyone here. Look at the people who have had 2 or 3 A. They'll all tell you the same.
Put yourself and the kids first and try to let it go. If you let your rage consume you, your kids are going to be the ones that ultimately suffer. Be there for them and concentrate on them.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Should I get her around her family and ask her where she was, allow the lies to build, and then pull out the evidence?
Should I go to her family behind her back?
Should I purchase a billboard on the side of the road after setting up a website discussing her affair?
How do you expose this - and more importantly I am not going to expose or discuss prior to the right time legally. I want her to be shocked by the filing and wondering what evidence I do have. I want the foundations of her fantasy to be shook.
Why don't you just sit down and talk to your wife??
I don't know...I just read his newcomer thread and I don't get the whole "you are just trying to keep her down" thing.
For me, the instant she pulled the "abuse" card, all bets are off and he has no choice but to protect himself by hiring a PI and documenting the truth...not her version of it.
H: 38 W: 36 S: 8 S: 5 M: 16 Bomb: 8/25/08 OM: 9/21/08 EA (Possible PA) with co-worker since 5/08 (at least...) Sep: 9/21/08 D Filed 9/23/08 My Situation
I don't know...I just read his newcomer thread and I don't get the whole "you are just trying to keep her down" thing.
For me, the instant she pulled the "abuse" card, all bets are off and he has no choice but to protect himself by hiring a PI and documenting the truth...not her version of it.
Exactly. Instead of just separating, agreeing to a mutual divorce filing, etc. - she ran to an attorney and started telling everyone (family/friends/etc.) that I am an abusive jerk which is why she is leaving. There has been no abuse in our relationship.
So my goal at this point is to not allow her to set the tone, and go ahead and (strongly) confront the reality behind her decision.
Otherwise I risk losing my daughter, or I risk having problems with raising my two sons I already have.
I don't feel the need to 'play nice' when she went the route she did. I'd love to... tried to throughout January. No begging, being nice, talkative, avoiding relationship talk, just being understanding. Trying all the DB stuff, then went dark - which seemed to work for a bit as she became nicer, more talkative, but still went to screw around with the OM.
I'm not 'angry' at the affair. I've seen her in person several times since then - and I have been nothing but cordial and nice.
I won't confront her about it directly now because of the legal situation. I've just heard that it helps to expose these things to the light so that the shaky foundation evaporates.
I'm just trying to think of the best way to do that... she spent all her time trashing me to everyone else - and I'm not out to "get her back" on that - but I do need to set the record straight with her family at least.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I don't know...I just read his newcomer thread and I don't get the whole "you are just trying to keep her down" thing.
For me, the instant she pulled the "abuse" card, all bets are off and he has no choice but to protect himself by hiring a PI and documenting the truth...not her version of it.
I must have missed that (that's the problem with posting on two different forums). If that's the case, and now reading his post above, I have no problem with his approach.
Ok, I read your story. Your wife needs your help. She is not "in her right mind" right now due to the affair.
I understand that you need to expose due to her accusations of abuse, etc. So, you want to wait and do it through the lawyers for legal reasons? If this is so, I'm confused about asking us how to expose...do you mean after the lawyer does it?
Ok, I read your story. Your wife needs your help. She is not "in her right mind" right now due to the affair.
I understand that you need to expose due to her accusations of abuse, etc. So, you want to wait and do it through the lawyers for legal reasons? If this is so, I'm confused about asking us how to expose...do you mean after the lawyer does it?
Well, my lawyer has filed the counter-claim, denying all allegations of abuse and requiring proof, and I counter-filed on grounds of adultery on her part.
So she'll "know" that I've filed that, but she doesn't know what evidence I have. I have tipped my hand and spoken to her brother (close family relationship between me and her family) about the evidence, and he wants to see it so that he can make a decision.
He and his mom have noticed her change in behavior, and have even been trying to get her cell phone records, etc. themselves and he even tipped their hand a little bit to say that they want what is in my daughter's best interests - even if that includes my wife's mother suing her for custody rights.
So... my b.i.l. said he won't mention anything until seeing the evidence, and I plan to have dinner with their family on Friday night and have an open discussion there so that:
a. there are witnesses and she can't claim abuse. b. her affair is outed
She'll either then decide to abandon her family, or abandon (or hide) the relationship with OM. But she's going to lose a lot of trust, and she may not be allowed the freedom to go and do as she pleases while her mom watches the baby any longer.
I'm just curious what her reaction is going to be. Thus far when I've questioned her (without evidence) she's said "I've been faithful, this is all your fault, I don't love you anymore, I don't know if I ever loved you, etc."
When I actually have hard evidence (and this is solid enough for a judge) and confront her (she told her family she was staying at a girl friend's house) she is going to have to find another way to react.
I'm going to do so calmly, collected, and basically just explain that I understand I may not have been there emotionally in some way she needed. But that the affair needs to stop.
Then will see how she reacts.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Well, I'm no expert. But the proof may get you full custody of the kids depending on the judge. However, I know you just want to fix things and that is what is best. Just whatever you do, don't make it look like blackmail to her. That will not bring her closer to you.
You might start with just talking to her and letting her know that you know about the affair and that you do have proof because of how she was acting. You might tell her that yall can work through the affair.
Of course, I say this and it didn't work for my W. Some have told me that while the A is going on, there is nothing you can do except keep back and work on yourself. Then when it ends, be a great option. The typical A lasts about 6 months. But since yall are already talking to lawyers, I don't know. You have to watch out for yourself and your kids. So you have to use it in your favor when it comes to court if it comes to court. But heading it off before that point, could keep it from going to court. Then you don't spend thousands of dollars fighting it out. She may realize that you have her and its in her best interest to retreat from the divorce.
I really don't know. Wish I could help you more.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
