NikB #33 Keep on Keepin On...

[NikB]

Thanks Michelle and ST!!

Thinking of everyone here often, even if I haven't been on much.

ST... well, I wish.. the "something good" at this point is basically "still having a job." But, in this economy, that's pretty darn good. I have hope that I'll be rewarded for all this extra work once things turn around (at least, my managers have implied that I should ).

M/R is doing pretty good.. better than a month or so ago, for sure. I can't believe it's been so long since I posted. H has been really wonderful lately and we're getting better (ever so slowly, but better) at talking about things. The "another bomb's on the way" feeling has faded for now, so that's good.

I finally have 20 minutes to post an update and wanted to share more R stuff... but have something else I need to post/vent about instead.

So what a weekend.

Friday night, I learned that my brother found out his wife has cheated on him. Oh, and with his co-worker and one of the few friends he's made in the new city they're in. First she fessed up to kissing the guy then after a week of lies fessed up to more. So, given how whatever people fess up to is often far less than reality, there's probably a lot more pain in store for him.

And I am in total shock. She's been part of our family since she was 15. I knew they were not totally happy but they have been talking about it, working on it, etc. They were at our house the week before for Christmas and things seemed relatively good. And of everyone I know, she's probably the person I would guess least likely to do that.

I know.. given all the stuff I've read here I shouldn't be surprised. But, I am. There are people who I would HOPE wouldn't do this but I wouldn't be totally floored by it. Her... no way.

I thought she had enough morals and strength of character to at least leave rather than cheat. Had she left, honestly, I would have understood and empathized with her. I would have been there for my brother, but I would have understood why she left. In fact I think we've all been expecting that news, at least a trial separation.

And I know, all too well, the "it's a symptom of other problems" and all that but you know what? Right now I really don't care. I am so angry, so hurt, so crushed for my brother. I see now why people sometimes say not to tell the family - because at the moment, I cannot imagine EVER forgiving her. He!! I can't even imagine speaking to her again. Maybe it's just because it's so fresh.

He's going through all the awful "bomb" stuff that we know so well. And he has to face this co-worker every day. I am sure if he had even decent job prospects elsewhere he'd quit in a heartbeat. I don't know which is worse - knowing that your spouse is working with the affair partner, or having to face them yourself every day!

To top it off... my Dad apparently thought this would be a good time to confess to us kids that he cheated on my Mom. Twice. Actually three times but he apparently doesn't consider the last one "cheating" because he didn't actually have sex with her until after they separated. (this one I knew about... this was his STBXW and I had pieced things together and knew their R started before he left). But the other two I didn't know.

My brother calls him extremely upset and my Dad tells him THIS?? Then emails it to me, so that I know from him and don't hear it from my brother. Yay, I get to have it in writing, so I can read over and over how nonchalant he was about betraying my mother.

I know that he told my brother because he asked and my dad didn't want to lie. My brother was upset and saying things like "this is so awful, does this happen to everyone?" and then asked. And my Dad told him. Since my brother asked I guess he was kind of stuck, and at least he was honest. But the worst of it was, he basically blew it off. They were "one night stands" and the women approached him rather than him approaching them. Like that justifies it. The only thing he said about it was "I know that doesn't make it OK." Oh, and he was glad to finally get it off his chest because he felt guilty. (barely, it sounded like).

OMG.

1. I do not want to know this much information.

2. What an a$$hole. And he's my Dad who I love and am so close to. My head is spinning.

3. Seriously? NOW? How freaking selfish. How nice that you got to get rid of your guilt and pile more pain onto your son who is already in agony. I wouldn't have wanted him to lie, but couldn't he have responded in a more compassionate way?

4. AN EA IS AN AFFAIR!!! THE EA YOU HAD WITH YOUR STBXW WAS AN AFFAIR AND YES YOU WERE CHEATING ON MY MOM. When you are married, going out to coffee, drinks, lunches, dinners, movies, spending time together on holidays with someone you're attracted to and who is not your spouse IS AN AFFAIR. I don't care if you haven't had sex with her yet. (in fact, I really don't even want to KNOW about your sex life - yuck!!!!) I had finally somewhat forgiven this one, until he brought it up and made it sound like nothing. He also said he understood how it felt because his STBXW is 'cheating' on him because she started dating a few months ago. Yeah... 18 months AFTER SHE LEFT. Big difference.

He also said he didn't feel it was fair for him to have a "double standard" when it comes to SIL. So... what does that mean?? It's OK that she cheated on my brother because Dad did the same thing?!?!?! I guess it's OK with Dad if my H cheats on me, too. I mean, otherwise it'd be a double standard.

How on earth do I get past that?? I can't wrap my mind around it.

My Dad and I have always been really, really close, and I can't even bring myself to think about talking to him right now. I can't respond to his email because what do I say? He doesn't even have a clue why my brother doesn't want to talk to him right now. Or why I haven't responded about him coming out to H's race this weekend.

uuuuuugghhhhh

Sorry..

I finally have time for an update and have all this crud to share. But thanks for listening.