Divorce looming #4

[K4D]

My Car is in the shop. It has a major oil leak and the timing belt may need to be replaced also. I took it to pepboys and they wanted $1,400 for everything and also wanted to do recommended stuff. So I took it somewhere else that my neighbor recommended and they told me Pepboys was going to charge me double labor for something they were going to have to do anyways to get to the rest of it.

I will know this afternoon what all really actually needs to be done. So I won't be leaving before Wednesday.

W talked to me last night. She basically wanted me to know that everyone in her life except her best friend has betrayed her and screwed her over in some form or fashion. It will take her years to get past stuff I did. She is going through with the D. I told her I understand her pain and things that have happened to her in her life. What else do I have left to say? I have already said how I feel multiple times. She isn't going to change her mind. The D is going through.

I guess I will sign the waiver of service tomorrow then along with the custody agreement. Apparently I have to also give my answer on the divorce tomorrow.

She said there is only one person in this world that truly cares about her and loves her just for her and no other reason. I said who is that. And she said D7. And D7 does truly love her just for her. D7 quit eating Peanut butter sandwiches that she loves so that she could kiss mommy during the day siince mommy is allergic to peanuts. D7 loves W no matter what.

I said don't discount D11's love to. And she said she doesn't, but that D11 has always been a daddy's girl. And that she has always seeked my approval. W thinks that everyone else just wants something from her and doesn't truly love her unselfishly just because she is her. I don't agree with this. But ok.

I told her I understand and I see why she thinks the way she does about everything and I see where she is coming from with her past. There is no arguing with her. It just sends her into a fuming fit of rage.

She said she gives 110% to relationships and just gets screwed over in retun. She feels like the victim. She said at 35 its time for her to start taking care of her and nobody else. I said ok. Again, not like I can stop her from doing any of this.

She says she doesn't respect me as a husband and all my motives are selfish. And she can't live like that. I have to be gone. She wants no links to me except through the kids.

She said she hopes I take this time to improve myself so I can have a better life going forward. But its not going to be with her anytime in the next few years.

I told her she needs to work out her issues. Maybe a counselor can help her do that. But she needs to learn how to deal with her past. I told her she does have a big heart because I have seen it for 12 years. I told her that this person right now is not her. She needs to get herself fixed.

In her mind, that means eliminating me from her life. She was actually in tears talking to me last night. She isn't concerned about the hurt this is going to cause anyone. She is more concerned about her own mental well being.

I am not of concern to her. She has written me off. I'm just someone else in the world now who happens to share 2 kids with her.

Her head is really messed up. She views me as the bad guy and more person that has disapointed her.

She really has all the messed up ideas now about what God wants. She told me she prayed alot about it and feels this is right. She doesn't have butterflies in her stomach like she says she would if it was wrong. She said when something is not right, all kinds of things go wrong.

She is lost right now and has really screwed up ideas of how things should be. I'm getting tired of being told I am to blame for all of this and how little she respects me as a husband.

Maybe I have earned that over the years. But I also know what is right, and this is not the right way to fix things. And I also know that she will seek someone else out barring a miracle.

There is no growth going on here as much as she would like to think otherwise.

I do love her. She still thinks I don't. And that bothers me. But I can't seem to convince her otherwise.

I'm not sure how to enjoy my life without her and with her being with someone else. I guess I am going to be forced to have to though. I'm still praying to God though that he will get through to her and fix things between us.

Kevin