I read the last resort chapter last night. I think I get it. However, I already broke one of the rules this morning (though I had to. We were trying to figure out what to do about health insurance since I've been laid off and in Illinois if you have a 60 day gap in coverage everything becomes a pre-existing condition. She was talking about putting the kids and her on the insurance through her school and I asked her that if I needed it would I be able to sign under her insurance until I find work. She said "As long as we're together." I just said "Right. But it will keep me from falling into that coverage gap in the meantime." I know you aren't supposed to talk about the future together, but I really needed to know. I did my best to recover, as I didn't press the issue or appear as if I were pressig for info (I really wasn't).
In my state I can request mediation. Another option in my state is "Legal Separation" It is exactly the same thing as divorce except that you do not dissolve the marriage. Everything else is still set up as a divorce: time with kids, who lives where, amount of contact, etc. However, you still file taxes together, share benefits, etc. At the end of the separation you can then dissolve or extend it. If you opt to dissolve it, you return to your legally married state. If however, you decide on divorce you can upgrade the separation into a divorce, unless you need to tweak the terms set up in the separation. It's almost like a trial divorce.
Personally, I think this is the most fair compromise offered. From what I'm reading, the state requires a six month separation period in order for the divorce to go through anyway. So, if I get served with papers (which I have a feeling I will) I think that I will muster everything ounce of coolness that I can, and recommend the legal separation for a six-month period. As far as I know (and I'm pretty confident of this) there is no OM even of interest, so all this does is add the extra step of "upgrading" at the end of six months. But this gives us a chance to experience life without one another. She can see how the divorce affects each of us, our families and friends, and, most importantly, our children. It will give us time to reflect on our marriage, see our contributions (positive and negative) to the marriage, and give us the time and space to work on ourselves as people. While the separation will be devestating on the kids, it at least has the potential to be temporary, where a divorce is much more permanent. If the separation does not work, the kids will continue in the life that they have been living for the past six months and are none the worse than they would have been through the divorce. If we decide to work it out and opt against divorce then I'm sure the kids will be happy to accept that change.
My question is, since cool heads prevail, is this separation a good option or am I truly just grasping at straws? If it is a plausable option, how do I approach presenting it in terms of DBing? I know that I am supposed to move on with my life, etc. and I know that I am not supposed to tell her I love her, and not supposed to discuss the R or the future, but I also feel that this is a decision that will greatly effect many lives, but directly effect four:the kids, her, and me; and I still stand by the idea that we very conciously chose to start a family and it is our place and duty to fullfill the obligations that come along with that choice. However, her happiness is important as well, and I do not want to deny her that, but I honestly, truly believe that her unhappiness will continue after the D and that our marriage is not the root of this unhappiness. It is, however, feeding it I'm sure and I do not want my present her with the option of a legal separation to add to this.
My thought is to present it to her a couple of days after I am served. I don't want it to seem like a desperate manuever. I was thinking of presenting as a way to "try out" the terms of the divorce (visitation of the kids, division of property, financial responability, etc.) before finalizing everything. This will also give me a chance to find work and get back on more solid ground. In all other respects (except that she cannot remarry, which isn't an issue) we are divorced. Plus it will give us a chance to sort of rediscover ourselves personally before legally, which I think could benefit the kids in the long run. Since it is a set length of time it isn't really prolonging anything. If something were to change in her situation, she can upgrade it to divorce at any time.
I think that by presenting it in that way, I am not begging her for more time, calling for her to reach deep and find the love for me she once had, etc. However, what it does offer, without saying it, is a chance to step back and see our marriage from outside of the hurt, anger, and confusion that seems to build inside of her when I am around. If she is able to see a possibility of working to save the marriage, she can accept that without the fear of having to backpeddle over a divorce. I think that it is much easier to second-guess yourself if you have to go back on the finality of a decision such as divorce, than it is to make a pro-active decision to fix something after stepping away from it.
Any help, insight, or inspiration is greatly appreciated!!!
