Spellfire # 3 - Need a campfire here

[spellfire]

Yeah, I was all happy that the "You, me, tonight" paid off since she seemed fine with it. No covert contracts, and that is my goal, just to tell her what I want and stand behind it.

D4 wasn't tired as expected, but I got her in her PJs, teeth brushed, stories read, and asleep by 10:30pm. Come back down stairs and I knew W wouldn't be going to sleep yet since she had a two hour nap with D4 during the day. It's perfect, there is no possible excuse W could have for not ML, except she doesn't want to, which I would have accepted.

W tells me it's too late and she's tired. She did look sleepy and it was her bed time, so I said "okay you should go to bed then" and I went about my business.

She doesn't go to bed, she starts R talk. Now I start to backslide because it made me mad that she wasn't going upstairs to sleep having told me she was too sleepy to ML. She stays up till 12:45am going over all the same old things we have gone over a million times already. Every excuse and reason as to why there is no way she can be more sexual with me. She also tells me "we just had sex last weekend, why do you need it again so soon?" Finally we are both worn out, tired. We go up to bed, but I can't sleep. I'm still fuming. She wants to cuddle before we go to sleep, but I can't handle it. I get up and she gets upset saying she never should have touched me. I tell her it wasn't that, I was already upset. She says "it's going to go back to how it was before isn't it". I can't be there beside her while she sleeps, so I go downstairs and surf the net for an hour before coming back up to bed and falling asleep.

Next day she lets me sleep in because "she doesn't want me to be in a bad mood". Doesn't matter, I am still annoyed about the previous night. The late night does make my temper even shorter, but that's not really the problem. We have a party to go to, and we end up arguing about stupid day to day stuff all the way there. Of course she blames me, and ignores the fact that she also went to bed much later than usual and is short tempered and hyper sensitive as a result.

Party was fine. I managed to take my mind off things. On the way back I felt much the same. Weekend was over and it was a pretty awful one, so I just felt hollow that I have another whole hectic week to get through with this hole in my heart. W sensed this in me and got pissed. "You were fine at the party and now you are mad again."

We get home and have loads to do to get ready for the week. W has a minor meltdown, stressed out about work and school. I tell her that it's her priorities. She goes to a party for 8 hours today and then stresses about not having time to do her work for the week. "I like going to family gatherings though." She sets her priorities and then flips out at having to deal with the consequences. Discussion of priorities includes R. She says she doesn't have time to put into the R. I tell her that if this R doesn't work out, all the rest is going to go to s___ anyway.

Well we managed to make up at the end. I swallowed my pride and when she went to bed I hopped in before her to warm the bed and then held her till she fell asleep.

This morning I got a note thanking me for that and saying "I guess we should expect some bumps in the road" which was what I was telling her yesterday, that it was just one off day and she doesn't have to question the whole R because of it.

Going back to the plan of non-sexual touching to re-establish trust that she can be physically close to me again without it becoming sexual.

Still not getting to the bottom of things. She has one excuse after another. If I take care of one thing, she creates some other reason. Take care of that, it is something else. Now she is making excuses that I can't possibly resolve.

I can't get her on board, and she is not responding to me being direct (one of the reasons I headed into covert contract land in the first place). I am backing off into the "spouses needs" stage for a while I guess.