Sorry to hear about the accident. Like you said, at least no one was seriously hurt. Keep on being the rock for you and your kids. "Just when the caterpillar thought his life was over he turned into a beautiful butterfly".
I love your analogy. I'm feeling like the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train, though. Or a mirage? A hallucination? A wish? I know that my life will get better soon, it's just a matter of holding things together until soon becomes now. Thanks for your thoughts. As frank_D told me, perhaps now will be the time that I focus on MY survival instead of XW's, because I am useless to everyone in this state.
Tom
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
Accidents suck, no matter which way you look at it.
If the other driver was at fault and insured, make sure you press your ins co. to get a quick approval for a rental car for you from them. This is part of what you pay premiums for. If you find that they are unresponsive, time to consider a different ins co. Make sure they earn your future business.
Thank you. Sadly, it is a disputed accident, as every driver in CA is told to NEVER admit fault in an accident. The investigators will determine fault. Fortunately, I spoke with two witnesses at the scene while holding my S3, who told me that my light turned green and the other car tried to beat a yellow light. I was hit in the middle of my car, not the front.
Unfortunately, I just spoke with my insurance company and they told me that they are awaiting the CHP report, which could take up to 30 days. My accident was last Tuesday evening! I called CHP do inquire about obtaining a copy and they told me that the report takes up to 10 business days, but they haven't even received a request for a copy of the report from my insurance company, as of yet. Ugh! The happenings in my life just keep getting uglier by the day.
Too say I'm sad is a gross understatement.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
I need to move out of my place this weekend. Haven't landed new employment yet. Will keep trying. I was on the verge of moving out of the area, at my parents invitation (talk about embarrassing and humbling!), but decided to approach XW to ask her for help. After a day of considering it, she agreed to allow me to stay with her for two months to get back on my feet. I simply said thank you, without telling her my concerns about the incredibly short duration of her offer. XW said that she knew that I would help her in the same situation and I always had in the past. The upside is that XW was actually paying attention to my kindness displayed towards her. Although, it could be that she broached the subject with whichever friend of hers is the confidante of the day and heard some advice that helped her decide to assist me. Regardless, XW didn't have to extend herself, no matter how many times I've helped her out previously.
My last stint staying with her, at her request due to DH #3 (the little criminal), didn't go particularly well. I saw a side to her that was neither good nor kind. I will try to abide by her 'rules' to the letter and help out around the house and with our children without being asked. I really only need a place to stay and more time to chase employment. I hate needing help, most of all from her, but I must say that I am pleasantly surprised that she stepped up to the plate to offer. DBing from inside her house and from a position of need. NOT the ideal situation, now is it?
Oh well, I don't want to b!tch about what is. Makes much more sense to deal with what is to the best of my ability with my eyes on the present and my focus on a better future for me and my children.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
Well, new low down on my relations with XW. Received a call from her and she proceeds to tell me that she re-thought her decision about letting me stay with her. The initial decision was a surprise to me, even with the short allowable duration of stay, but this one was not a surprise. Hurt regardless, and made me sad, but the change of heart wasn't unexpected. At least it's now instead of two weeks into the stay, or two months like the last time when she asked me to move in and then asked me to leave.
Speaking with a good friend, who tells me that I call him because I always know he'll give me a good dose of the medicine that I know I need, he tells me that XW should NEVER have entered my mind as an option. He said that this will simply solidify my need to let go and move forward in my life. Get MY life sorted out and take care of ME first, instead of everyone else, because I am falling apart.
I love the fact that I have good friends who speak harsh truths lovingly. I'm not mad at XW. I'm mad at myself for being so blind and helping her with the expectation that she would reciprocate. I'm not mad about my helping her. I'm disappointed and mad at myself for placing expectations on someone who has had no problem showing me who she IS the entire time we've known each other, but I have always held to the vision of her as, what she CAN BE; what her POTENTIAL is. I recently saw a quote about an NFL coach talking to his quarterback, telling him, "Your 'potential' is going to get me fired." That's my feeling on XW's potential. I've placed too much importance on her because of my perception about her potential, which may forever remain a unrealized. Recipe for wasted time and heartache. Let go. Move on. Just do it! More clarity today. Feeling sad, but feeling better. Life moves on.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
Three years and two days since XW and I split initially. To say that I'm sad would be the understatement of my lifetime. I've got a ton of other 'stuff' going wrong in my life right now, but I'm confident that 'things' will look brighter sooner rather than later. I believe putting some distance between XW and I will help.
I was talking with my mom tonight and she rarely speaks out on her feelings about XW, but tonight she did. Mom simply said, "XW's simply not a good person. As a matter of fact, she's a bad person." I can't say that I blame my mom, nor that I think she's wrong, I'm just sad that I haven't seen for so long what is readily evident to everyone who knows me and XW. Perhaps, as my best friend put it, we are just a bad match. I'm just unclear how I could be so emotionally stuck on her and have her turn out to be the kind of person that she is rather than the person I made her out to be in my mind. Sad. But life goes on, as do I...letting go.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
Received a text message from XW this morning reading:
Quote:
My heart is hurting for you. You are in my prayers.
Nice sentiment, and she didn't have to send the message, but I have nothing to say to her right now. I'll file it under a small bit of nicety from XW and leave it at that. Yesterday she started to try to explain her change of mind and I simply told her, "Look, I understand. I really just want to get OFF the phone with you right now." I didn't want to be her emotional tampon about her decisions and she doesn't need to justify them to me. My best friend, Wil, told me that I never should have even considered her an option and I probably shouldn't have even asked her. But, frank_D gave me different counsel, which was to put the decision in front of her and see what her decision is because THAT will bring clarity for you, and it has. Her decision is what it is, she is who she is, and I am where I am. So be it.
This crisis in my life is not her doing and it isn't her responsibility to help me sort it out. It would have been nice, and it would have been what I would have done, but I am not her and using myself as the yardstick isn't fair to either one of us. I'm NOT her.... Perhaps now is the best time to put to whats phoenixdeux posted to me and let go. To quote phoenixdeux:
Quote:
Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.
I've had the benefit of so much good counsel in my time hear on DB. NOW is the time to, as Wil keeps saying, take care of me first because right now I'm not I'm not of much use to anyone else in my life. Sad, but true. On top of everything else, the policies of the CHP aren't helping me out with my need for the accident report so I can get my car fixed. I try not to ask what else can go wrong, because inevitably, that 'what else' becomes evident. So, I am in a holding pattern.
I've been offered a place to stay temporarily by a friend who is just starting chemotherapy treatment for her fourth bout with cancer. She needs assistance and I need a place to stay and it's a lot closer to local job opportunities and my children, plus I can borrow her car on occasion, until I get my car situation sorted out. I really don't want to be in the position to take her up on her offer, but I am, and this will help both of us fill a need right now. Plus, as my mom told me, try it for a month or two. It it works out, great, if not, you can always come back her to say with me and Poppa. Either way, I feel like a loser for putting myself in this position even though I am not alone in today's economy.
Well, not much in the way of DBing to post except that I'm working on taking myself and getting back on my feet financially. Without being happy, healthy and whole, I don't have much to offer in my efforts to DB, now do I? Strangely, I am more emotionally stable right now than I've been in quite awhile. If you find the time and think of me, either send positive thoughts and energy my way and/or say a prayer for me that I find God's will in my journey and I'm able to work out my 'stuff' sooner rather than later.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
A good friend of mine said, "God must have GREAT plans for you with all of the trials He is putting you through right now." I'm working on believing that truth.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
If you find the time and think of me, either send positive thoughts and energy my way and/or say a prayer for me that I find God's will in my journey and I'm able to work out my 'stuff' sooner rather than later.
Sometimes we are so desparate to get out of the place we have fallen into that we fail to see the things God is trying to teach us when we're there. He may just leave us there until we figure it out.
You certainly have a lot to deal with right now. Rest in the assurance that you are not alone. God created the world from nothing. Certainly He can solve your problems in an instant. Continue to 'seek' out those who can encourage you - men's group at church?, 'knock' on those closed doors to see who answers, and don't be afraid to 'ask' for help. It's humbling, but put yourself in the shoes of the one being asked. If you had the means I'm sure you would love to help someone out. So do others.
Matthew 7:7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
