I think you're operating out of fear. We rarely make good decisions when we do that.
Look, I don't care WHAT you do. I'm only reading YOUR words, and suggesting that if YOU don't think it's fair or even well-intentioned, you're going to build up a ton of resentment.
What she is asking me to do as far as the financial responsibility is what I should be doing anyway and though she is rigid when she sets her jaw, I don't think she will stay that way once I have gotten on the path to stability.
I always reserve the right to tell her I'm not interested later on.
She has actually spelled out what she needs from me for the first time in 6 months and told me what she is willing to do if I can make it.
What she is asking me to do as far as the financial responsibility is what I should be doing anyway and though she is rigid when she sets her jaw, I don't think she will stay that way once I have gotten on the path to stability.
I always reserve the right to tell her I'm not interested later on.
She has actually spelled out what she needs from me for the first time in 6 months and told me what she is willing to do if I can make it.
To me, the "I will continue to be friends with the person that I had an affair with" ALONE would be a deal-breaker. This is unworkable even IF the two of you were together, working on your marriage. For the contact to take place during a time when the marriage is especially vulnerable -- when no physical or emotional needs of EITHER partner is being allowed to be met by the other -- is simply kerosene on a bed of hot embers.
This smells to me like a test that she's PURPOSELY setting you up to fail.
As far as the OM goes, she will not budge but she promised the affair is over. It makes me really angry but I believe her when she tells me that the affair is over. My wife is not from the USA and this ex BF or OM is part of a group of friends from her home country, if she has to stop all together with him, she cuts herself off from all of her friends.
I told her how I feel about her being his friend and how I think it is cruel and inappropriate but for now I will have to trust her or loose the marriage.
Yes she wants dates. I don't know how I am supposed to behave on those dates though.
I want to live together but she just won't let that happen. What she is saying that she needs is a concrete reason for her to invest in saving the marriage. My promises to be stable and fruitless efforts so far have not provided any real results. She promises that when she feels there is a reason to save the marriage then we will begin to negotiate.
For now she is assuming so much power and I have the power to walk away from 6 years of marriage or accept her proposal and receive all that she promises as a delayed gratification. I really just don't know what to do.
I told her how I feel about her being his friend and how I think it is cruel and inappropriate but for now I will have to trust her or loose the marriage.
. . .
I want to live together but she just won't let that happen. What she is saying that she needs is a concrete reason for her to invest in saving the marriage. My promises to be stable and fruitless efforts so far have not provided any real results. She promises that when she feels there is a reason to save the marriage then we will begin to negotiate.
And what I'm trying to tell you is that she WON'T ever "feel there is a reason to save the marriage" as long as she is in contact with OM.
If you don't believe me, just ask the other WAWs/AWAWs/FWAWs.
As far as the OM goes, she will not budge but she promised the affair is over. It makes me really angry but I believe her when she tells me that the affair is over.
Why? On what basis do you believe she can be trusted in her current state of mind?
For now she is assuming so much power and I have the power to walk away from 6 years of marriage or accept her proposal and receive all that she promises as a delayed gratification. I really just don't know what to do.
Bariga,
I would suggest to you that you have a third option. This "third way" is the way of DBing, and it says "I do NOT accept your proposal, and nor do I want a divorce." And when she says "then you leave me no option," or "Then I will divorce you," you say "Do what you feel you need to do. I will neither stop you nor will I help you," and you go on about your own life, becoming the best man you can be. One that can be trusted financially, emotionally and in every other way.
Divorces take time, and there are ways you can stall them. I don't accept her premise, or the way she is framing the decision, and neither should you.
