Exposing at EA

[Still Waters]

Mellenmack, I've only truly known about the A for a few days. I didn't have conclusive proof of it until I saw her phone records, which happened late last week. I had my suspicions, but nothing truly concrete. I've also been caught up in snooping and trying to gather info for the past month. And I admit that I was so caught up in trying to expose her A, putting the puzzle together, that I never stepped back and thought about what it all meant. Once she admitted to the A, and the puzzle was complete, I stepped back and looked at it and the full weight of the betrayal came down on me.

But yes, my gut does tell me that I want to save this marriage. But like you and Puppy said, I still can't trust her. Her words yesterday were good to hear, but they are just words. So really, nothing has changed. She's the one who wanted this space and period of no contact, and I gave it to her because I'm trying not to be controlling and because I didn't want to talk to her if she was still having an affair. Will she use the time to continue her affair? Probably. But what am I supposed to do? I'm not even sure how I should respond to her email yesterday. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't even write her back.

My instinct has been, from back when the bomb was dropped, to save this marriage. Yes, now that the affair is out there that instinct has been shaken. How couldn't it be? I'm not saying that it has been shattered, but I'm human. Betrayal hurts. Her instinct has been to end the marriage with endless waffling thrown in for good measure. So really, who knows what her instincts are. She's been all over the map these past 4 months and she's an emotional mess.

What I plan to do is go on with my life. I can't control her and I can't force her to work on the marriage. All I can do right now is focus on myself. She needs to come to me at this point. And no, I'm not going to give her all the time in the world to do that. There will come a point when I have moved on completely and won't want her back. That time has not come yet, but I've said that I'm strong enough to move forward with or without her, and I meant it.

And if I do decide to move on, I don't see the work I've done or my time here as a waste. I fought hard for my marriage, and I am still fighting. I'm doing that because I believe it's the right thing to do, and ultimately I will have to look myself in the mirror and be proud of how I handled this. But I'm not going to keep fighting forever if she won't fight with me.