Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

went to the "new" church alone today. i feel that is where i am suppose to be ..for d12 for sure and maybe for me. it is small...i liked big..it is not dynamic..i liked dynamic..but it is friendly and it seems like a place we can dig it.. Anyway - alone.... and in that i realized (yet again) that EVERYTHING that we do in life, whether married, divorced or single HAS to be alone - if it is really for us. So ALONE is good - but alone was HARD! VERY HARD!

Also, I found out some things this week about my life with my xh. About who he really was. Found out that what had brought us here (literally to the state we are in) had happened before.. he had been fired a time before and I never knew why...now I do. THAT has brought on alot of emotions and thoughts.

What else? My counseling right now is tough...really tough..really deep. So many things inside of me that are holding me back from ALLOWING myself to see hte truth of who xh is.

I am struggling with other stuff too..

Like...if I go on and become happy and whole..to me that says "then everyhting that xh did to you was for you good..that him leaving you, ripping out your heart etc. it was all good..." SEE I can't differentiate between that being hard and bad and me choosing to live and have a healthy life without him as good.

My c was so frustrated saturday his face turned red..it was kinda funny...

i feel like another layer of me is being stripped. EVERY TIME I get to an "even" zone I go through more pain... I cried alot yesterday...cried. AND I KNOW my family is sick of it adn wants me to get over it and that puts more pressure on me...cause i too want to ....but i cant just flip the switch and they want me to.

and as many on the board you see your x and they seem so ok. Your head knows different..but not your heart..

so that kinda sums it up...