WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 2

[confusedinpa]

I think my thread got locked/reached the limit

Here is the link to all the background.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1702221&page=4&fpart=14

She was really in a down mood on Sat. That nite she started to talk about how she's really struggling trying to figure out the logistics of getting to the next step. I thought she meant about giving us another chance. But she meant seperation. I told her that really hurt me and made me sad. Of course the kids interrupted so we couldn't talk more.

By the time the kids went to bed, she decided to just go to bed. I used to go to bed with her since she hit me with the divorce, but since it was only 8:30 PM and I got the sense she needed some alone time, I asked her if she needed some time. She said yes and I left and closed the bedroom door.

Sunday was just as tough.

She woke up in a better mode. She asked me for a hug to crack her back - of course I obliged and gave her a kiss on the check.

She didn't bring up the separation topic so I didn't ask. She did start talking about how she had felt that I was more interested in watching my TV shows than talking to her in the past. I acknowledged how awful/hurtful that made her feel. I may have crossed the line by trying to tell her that in retrospect I wasn't even watching the show but was more lost in my thoughts. I think I may have said that subconsciously I had thought something was wrong but couldn't see/understand exactly what it was and what to do

We then started to do the chores around the house together. I know she appreciates that I'm working with her but I remeber "service" was not a very important aspect in her 5 lanquages of love. I did thank her when she helped me with one of my chores. I wanted to give her a kiss. I didn't ask nor did I lean in but she did look up at me and puckered. Perhaps she just knows me too well

The we had a tough lunch

She brought up how she thinks the reason why her stomach has been acting up so much at nite. She used to have stomach problems coming home from work - worried about how I was going to "treat" her (disinterest/disconnected). Now she thinks its because she doesn't want to go to bed with me. I told her that makes me sad and it hurts. I told her all I can do is try the best that I can do. The decision is up to her if its good enough. Of course kids were with us so we really couldn't talk

I'm at such a loss of what to do. I keep trying but I feel its fall on a closed heart. I know she sees how I changed. She even commented on how it looks like I lost weight over the last couple of weeks (I wasn't trying but I went in 2 belt notches). She knows that she is important to me and I am showing it. She knows I love her even though I purposely stopped saying it for the last couple of weeks. She knows I'm trying to listen and support her (except for the divorce). I'm just afraid its too late. She keeps going back to how can she love someone who hurt her so badly.

Just before dinner, she started to complain about her stomach again - I thought here we go. This time though, she thinks it's heartburn from lunch.

what was really odd was before dinner, I put on the radio to play her Ipod. She put on the playlist that she made for me because she added a song last week as a surprise for me (it was the theme song from the Apprentice that she knew I liked). Then she put on love songs. I thought this was a good sign. After a few songs, I asked her to dance. She put her arms around me like she would when we would dance. I started to move, but she then just said I'm not dancing. Of course the kids then interupted before I could say anything else. I was pissed - at one point I thought she was playing around just to mess with me.

I calmed down and at least stayed positive during dinner - upbeat and relaxed.

We wound up watching Lost after the boys went to bed. I started sitting on the other couch but wound up sitting next to her as the kids kept getting up so we didn't want the TV on too loud (her couch was closer). I didn't try to talk or touch her. She did start flipping through the Entertainment book I got for us to look for date nite ideas. When she was done, I asked her if anything looked interesting. Nothing jumped out at her.

I'm very confused and frustrated

At times I feel like curling up into a ball and just cry. But I remember I must remain strong and continue to fight for my family.

I'm afraid that I may get so frustrated that I will start to resent her and lose my love for her. I hope not, but do feel like its getting harder everyday. I will need to talk to my therapist about next week.

I appreciate everyones positive support. I could really use some suggestions on what to bring up during counseling tomorrow.

[spellfire]

Keep your chin up, you are actually doing fine so far. Confusion and indecision on her part are ok, it's a natural stage she needs to go through before believing things can be different. If she is determined to leave and she is no longer expressing confusion, you are in more trouble.

You must keep yourself together. I keep suggesting things to work on YOU, but so far you haven't mentioned anything that is just for you. This is very important as you need to do this in order to stay focused and keep your emotions in check. I still recommend those books as a place to start.

I have no advice for counseling sorry, I do not know what would be best and I have never been in counseling. Perhaps getting her to explain what she is most angry about and validating it would help? Not sure, coz it might just open old wounds too.

[MrBond]

I second what SF is saying. You're still focusing too much on her. What have you been doing for yourself.

You keep bringing up what she says about her not being able to forgive. Well, you can't do anything about that. That's all up to her. She has to "get over it" in order to move on one way or the other. If she thinks a D will make everything magically better, then so be it. You can't control that.

Make yourself stronger. Make her see that she has to be worthy of you not the other way around. It's tough but you can do it!

[MrBond]

Post deleted by Tia

[confusedinpa]

Spellfire & Stuck808

I appreciate your encouragement. When my last thread got locked, I thought I had lost my support.

I have been going to see a therapist to work on me - although we spent most of the time talking about what in my past caused me to ignore/neglect my spouse emotionally. What came out of that is that I'm trying to enjoy life a little more. Mostly I've been trying with my wife and 2 boys.

I haven't gotten as far as going out with friends. I don't have many local friends - most of mine were girls before we met which she put a stop to very quickly - and our current local friends are her's. I do have 2 that I've been using as my support as well. One is a female who is married and a 1.5 year old so can't really go out with her. The other is a husband and wife where I left a couple of hours early last 2 fridays to go over and chat. My other close friend was my neighbor who moved a few months ago - he's married and I haven't talked to him about what's happened.

I did start to work out lightly on Sunday - I dusted off my weights and heavy bag - for about 10 minutes.

I had actually started to think about looking for a new job in a different city to start fresh, but I know that's also not the answer.

I am trying to take a stronger position yesterday. I'm not sure if it's working (plus I'm sure it's too early to tell) as this morning I got a hug but just a check for the kiss. We chatted about how she felt/slept last nite - she slept on the couch. She said fine except when I had startled her when I came down to give her an extra blanket. I told her I woke up because I heard her stirring alot and I was freezing so I brought down the extra blanket. I don't think she appreciated it as she said that she was fine and there were plenty of other blankets in the family room. Oh well, I guess it was just another weak moment.

Before I left I walked up to steal a kiss - I got half of a lip.

It's early, but I suspect I will have to tweak my stronger approach a little bit.

[confusedinpa]

I'm really getting to a down moment again. I just realized today is exactly 4 weeks since she told me on Jan 9th of her filing.

I'm very frustrated and getting angry that we haven't made any progress and it feels like its getting worse (that she's not trying anymore). I know this takes time, but patience has never been my strong suit.

She was just so distant this morning. Part of me wishes I could figure out how to just keep the kids and have her leave. But I know that's wrong - the kids need a family with both parents. I just want to shake her and wake her up to realize what she's doing. In our past conversations, it sounds like she's rationalized that this will be a very minor event for the kids. I want her to wake up.

This is hard!

I know I love her but it getting more difficult everyday/hour.

She was down a couple of weeks ago when one of her friends said that she was being selfish. Perhaps that's the play I need to make, although I wouldn't want her to stay just to be in a loveless marriage.

I remind myself that we are at this point because of both of us. I only half believe that as I know I was a big contributor as she couldn't get through to me with all the years of trying. I didn't even listen when a couple of my friends tried to tell me on separate occassions. Now I feel that I can't get through to her.

10 more hours till the counseling session. Still need to figure out what to say, assuming she is going to go.

[confusedinpa]

What just made it tougher is that I got out of a meeting where we need to decide on either taking another 40 people out of our company or enacting an across the board 20% pay cut. We (the executive team) have already taken 20% pay cut so this would make a total of 40% of us.

Normally I would talk/vent to my wife about that, but now I feel very alone in trying to figure out how to deal with it.

Do you think this is something I can talk to her about?

[confusedinpa]

I just talked to my therapist and she said that I should call her and tell her. She coached me not to sound needy, but just approach as a need to vent. She had said in the past the I used to shield my wife from this type of news/info and just deal with it on my own (which would cause more issues).

So I called her and told her I was having a really tough day as I just got out of meeting that talked about accross the board paycuts. She said she was sorry to hear about that. I asked her how her day was. She said better than mine (I guess it was her way to inject some humor in there). It was odd as I didn't feel any emotion or support in her tone. Very painful.

I still have a pit in my stomach as it feels likes she has given up. My therapist said I must recognize that there is nothing I do or say is going to affect her decision. I must remember that.

It's still tough

[confusedinpa]

Here are my latest thoughts on what to say in counseling tonite. I would love some feedback:

I can understand/relate to how the past has made her frustrated/angry due to my lack of emotional support/interest (again to acknlowdge how she felt, but direct the emotion to her current emtions). Its just as frustrating for me now as she has said that logically it makes sense to try again, but her emotions (anger/hurt/pain) are preventing her from trying to find love for someone who hurt her so badly. She has also said that it is hard for her to look for support from someone who hurt her so badly, but I want her to know I'm a different person now and I want to be there for her.

What do you think?

Too much pressure? Too weak?

[spellfire]

I think it is fine, because it is true. The weakness or strength is in how you appear in the session, not in the content.

Weights and heavy bag are an excellent idea. How about drafting out a schedule, say two times a week? I'm going to keep pushing GAL, because I truly believe it's what you need right now.

The work stuff is especially hard when this is happening, I know all about that.

As far as support goes, even if you don't have many friends (I don't either actually) you can keep posting here. I'll stick around and keep posting at least.