We've been together for over 15 years (8 years of marriage inculded). We're in early 30s, have no kids.Never had any fights,any major problems in our "perfect" marriage (so I thought).Long story short: two months ago my wife annouced that she's fallen out of love. Said she cared about me, loved me as a friend, a brother. Said that she's in love with someone else (a guy who 17 years older, divorced twice). They met at work, it all began as friendship and you can tell the rest. One week later she moved in with him.For the first few weeks I didn't pursue her at all, didn't call, text, email. Then she reached out. During our first conversation, she was crying,apologetic, admited to adultery. Told her that I love her no matter what, I'm ready to forgive and want her to come back. Weeks passed by and we're still separated, however see each other more often, text or call almost every day. Our meetings feel almost like a date, we have fun, enjoy our company. When I approach "the subject" she says; she doesn't know, she's afraid, not sure, etc. She's been seing psychologist but so far it didn't help much. I think that he helped her to understand things about marriage, herself and life in general, but she is not ready yet to commit either way. Still has been leaving with OP. I told her many times that I'm ready to move on with my life if the "D" decision is made. She doesn't want to leave me for good, doesn't want to come back. I'm running out of options and patience. I love her so much and there is nothing else in the world I would want more than be together and have a happy marriage again. She knows that and that's why she plays the "waiting game". Last week she almost moved in, but changed her mind in the last minute using well know mantra as an excuse: "I don't know, I'm not sure, I'm afraid, don't push me". However, mentioned something about the possibility of moving out from his house and finding a place just for herself to think, which I see as a progress (if she follows through). I need advice from someone who went down similar road. Should I continue to keep in touch, see each other but stay neutral on the issue (shouldn't push). Or maybe I should use 180 or last resort technique. I'm having such a hard time with this because we are right "in the middle". What I mean by that is that we've made some progress already; we don't avoid each other, stay in touch, communicate quite well, on the other hand it doesn't get us anywhere and she's been leaving with OP. What about our daily texts,phone calls emails we send each other? Should I only respond, or just compeletely ignore it? Thank you for all the input and help.
The clues to your answer lie within your own situation. I know, sometimes it'd difficult to read our own sitches when we're in the middle of them, but your wife has very clearly responded to one approach, and totally CAKE-ATE to a second approach.
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One week later she moved in with him.For the first few weeks I didn't pursue her at all, didn't call, text, email. Then she reached out.
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I'm running out of options and patience. I love her so much and there is nothing else in the world I would want more than be together and have a happy marriage again. She knows that and that's why she plays the "waiting game".
I think you lost your way with the "I will love you no matter what" part. It's okay to WANT to be with our spouses, but to actually NEED them, and to be willing to put up with "no matter what" from them smacks of enmeshment and co-dependency.
I'd strongly advise that you go back to what clearly WORKED. Go dark (having no kids is the PERFECT opportunity to do so), be mysterious, aloof, and "act as if" you are moving on with your life -- without her.
I don't suspect it will take long for her to come running. When she does, COME HERE FIRST before responding to her, and we can help you handle it better this time.
On a more important note (as the busting up of this affair is fairly easy), what do you suppose made her vulnerable to this guy's approaches to begin with, Committed? Think hard: you say you had a "perfect marriage," but were there some ongoing relationship complaints that you failed to address?
What would you say is your wife's primary love language (re: Smalley's "Five Languages of Love" -- acts of service, gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch)?
I'm not asking you to take responsibility for your wife's affair -- that is hers alone. She should have come to you, no matter WHAT her complaint, and tried to work on her marriage instead of taking such a destructive and selfish path. But there must have been SOMETHING that you can work on?
Regarding so called “perfect” marriage. Of course that was my point of view at that time, only later I’ve realized that everything from “walk away wife syndrome” applied to us. When I noticed that something was wrong it was already too late. We’ve known each other for more than half of our lives, met and hooked up in high school. I realize it doesn’t sound very original, but I’ll say it anyways: our relationship was one of the kind. The love and the passion lasted for almost 11 years. By that time other couples get married, have kids… and some divorce.
About four years ago first warning signs surfaced. That’s when the reality and routine finally caught up with us. It was disastrous for my wife; she realized that her love has changed; more into the friendship, soul mate type, instead of passionate, fiery like it used to be. She become depressed said that she needed to think things through and decided to leave for a while and “to be closer to her family”. Of course I was trying to change her mind but she’s very stubborn and strong minded, I finally gave up and went with the flow. That stage of our relationship lasted about a year. We were in constant contact via phone, email, but were leaving apart and at that time she finally started to successfully pursue her carrier. Then she came back saying that was sure that she loved me, would never leave and hurt me again (some of you are going “yeah I heard that one before”).
Almost 3 years went by, in the meantime we bought the house, tried to have a baby, etc. For all that time she was showing me her love, commitment, admitting that was happy and grateful for everything I’ve done for our marriage I really thought that we finally dodged the bullet and our marriage was almost perfect again.
About a year ago, her grandmother died and my wife became little depressed. Never told me anything, never complained (later admitted that didn’t want to hurt me, see “my sad eyes”). I didn’t notice anything again (she’s extremely good in hiding her problems and feelings). Now I know she felt neglected, lonely (I worked a lot to provide for the family). I realize now that in her eyes her life was a failure; had (at still has) a job she doesn’t like, failed as a wife (blames herself for imagined infertility problems). Her doubts about love and relationship came back like a boomerang.
That’s when OP appeared on the horizon. At first they were friends (!), his mother died about the same time as wife’s grandma, which made them closer. My wife started to share her problems with him (not me!) “I didn’t want to hurt you and he was just a friend I could talk to”. Later she realized that this friendship was going into a different level. I think that stage lasted for few months; where she was still loyal and faithful to me, but on the other hand started to think about leaving a “dead marriage”.
Finally it occurred to me that something was wrong. For two months I was trying to find out what happened, why she became so reserved, withdrawn, tried to cheer her up, make her happy somehow. It’s very significant that my wife almost each year goes through small seasonal depression which usually starts in October. I thought that her behavior was part of it, never realized how serious and severe it was. Right before Thanksgiving I asked the same questions again: “what happened, why are you so sad, how can I help you?” That’s when she told me. Said that was in love with someone else, she didn’t look for love but it just happened. That she would move out in a week. First she wouldn’t tell who he was, but I knew immediately (which surprised her a lot). Within hours I knew everything about him: address, age, martial status, kids.
Armed with that knowledge I started doing all these stupid things you can read in the book: pleading, begging, trying to prove that she was wrong, and asking for more time and MC, and so on. As you can imagine it didn’t help much; exactly one week later she moved out, while I was at work. Took only her clothes and personal belongings, leaving everything behind. At that time I didn’t know anything about “divorce busting” but somehow I didn’t pursue her, I backed off completely. Told my family and closest friends about the situation and was pretty much sure that my marriage was over. About three weeks later she texted me asking for a meet and you know the rest from my previous post. By now I’ve surfed the web, read numerous articles and DR book on the subject but still have such a hard time with implementing some of the methods I’ve learned. Michele was right it feels unnatural.
By now I also know, that there is not real love between my wife and OP. He probably loves her but I’m sure that what she feels is not love. No doubt that she feels something for him, it’s not love. Otherwise she would formally end our marriage long time ago. I think, she realizes now that she has made the biggest mistake of her life, but her pride, hurt feelings and indecisiveness won’t let make any decision soon.
What kills me the most is that she’s been leaving with that other guy, and in the same time keeps me around. Each time I back off, she reaches out. When I think she’s ready to make a decision (either way) she says not yet.
After the stunt she pulled on me last week; from “I’m packing my stuff and be back home in a few hours” to “I have my stuff in a car but can’t take the next step. I’m sorry it will not happen today”, I pulled back again, this time thinking that I was getting near the “exit” sign. How many times one can be humiliated?
Knowing this she initiates all the contacts ever since: texts, phone calls, emails (with jokes and stuff). I don’t know what I should make of it? When enough is enough? As I said in the beginning I don’t want to lose her, love her to death, trying to be patient but I’m stuck in between. I’m so afraid that pulling away will send her into his arms, on the other hand I don’t want to be too outgoing and make her too comfortable with this situation. Otherwise she will drag this for ever. One thing is sure: I’m completely lost, but haven’t lost my cool yet (at least in front of her).
Did you read DB yet? I would totally pull back if I were you. No kids? Even easier. Because you are right about one thing. She will drag this out forever until one or the other of you makes her choose. And that will probably be the one who loses. (My guess).
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
That's quite a story. Your wife reminds me a little of mine, and you a little of me. I too have always been a classic "pleaser" type, and felt that if I only said the right things, did the right combination of things to please her, she'd be happy and she would love me.
Unfortunately, that doesn't work -- women don't find it attractive, and they will often take advantage of it.
I think as long as your wife knows you will be there, "no matter what," you're going to have this problem, in regular, recurring cycles. And I think that each time you GO thru another one of these cycles, she loses another measure of respect for you, and women very closely tie "respect" with "love."
Remember the OM is no just sitting there waiting for you to convince her to come back. He is doing everything possible to get her to chose him!!! He invaded your territory and took your wife....don't be like the French and surrender...fight!!!
You know her way better than he does....he just found a weakness and exploited it. But you have a 15 year history...he has a couple of months.
Find the OM's weakness and go after it. Is he married? He is a co-worker so exposure there might make this Love Affair less wonderful. What about your wifes family??
Exposure work's!!! It shines light on affairs and the coakroaches tend to flee back into the walls.
Yes, once. I guess I have to do it over and over again to gain more confidence.
I stopped calling her, texting and emailing, but as I said she's been doing it now. I'm not saying that she's been harrasing me; it's rather like one "control" phone call or other contact once a day (just to check in if I'm not mad and still willing to wait for her, I guess).
Called me on Saturday night asking what was I doing and why I wasn't at home when she first called. Told her I went for a dinner with few friends-that didn't go well with her ego: a dinner? with whom? where? how? why? I guess she would prefer I'd rather stay at home and be miserable while she's debating on our marriage and discussing it with OM. I also suscpect that she thinks I may be seeing someone else (what an absurd!) but few times she asked me those weird questions... Is she jealous all of the sudden?
I do answer to her TMs, but being very briefly. Probably shouldn't have done it either...
I know one thing: she is not a manipulative or evil person. She's not heartless. She's just totally lost, confused and desperately trying to keep the balance while she's joggling with my life and our marriage in one hand and relationship with OM on another. My job is to keep her off that balance and don't let her settle down before she makes the decision.
I just pray it will be the right one. Last week's failed attempt was encouraging.
By the way; how should I respond to it? Pretend that nothing happened? Be mad? Or maybe thank her for trying?
I know one thing: she is not a manipulative or evil person. She's not heartless. She's just totally lost, confused and desperately trying to keep the balance while she's joggling with my life and our marriage in one hand and relationship with OM on another.
I think that's about right. And it's important for you to know that -- in her current state -- she is NOT a friend of your marriage.
That was the single most depressing thing I had to come to grips with. It's gut-wrenching, realizing that -- to survive -- you have to temporarily treat your wife like an adversary.
"Remember the OM is no just sitting there waiting for you to convince her to come back. He is doing everything possible to get her to chose him!!! He invaded your territory and took your wife....don't be like the French and surrender...fight!!!"
I realize that. That's what upsets me the most. Apparently he says that she can leave any time she wants, he would not push her, blah blah blah... yeah, he can afford to be the wise knight with the shiny armor, since they've been leaving together, and I have to fight from the distance.
As I mentioned before, he is 51 (17 years older than her), divorced twice, first wife the same age as him, second wife now 35, left him. Hmm, I wonder why? :-) Of course my W knows all that but I'm sure he was able to sell her his story on a positive note.
Nobody at work knows anything. I'm positive because used to work there part time (quit a month ago), and still have many friends out there.I'm very reluctant about telling the truth at their work place. I'm afraid it will make things worse.
On the other hand she's been mentioning lately about getting another job (I could help her easily with this) but for obvious reasons I will not do anything until she comes clean.
Her family knows, I was the one who told them, and ever since I've been very close with my in laws. They are trying to help, but what can you do over the phone, plus as I said my beloved W is very stubborn.
